A Good Two-thirds of a Triathlon (and nine-tenths of a good race report)

I have recovered from yesterday's Lifetime Fitness Tri. Eleven or so hours of sleep help that. Oh, and not having stomach cramps and the accompanying GI issues helps as well, but more on that later. (Settle in - it's another long one. Be careful you don't dose off.)

Wake Up

MS was scheduled to pick me up at about 4:45AM so I set my alarm for 4:00AM. Like I ever need to do that. I got up to let the dog out about 2:30 and then just rolled around until about 3:50 and figured, "Ah, hell, I might just as well get up." Everything was packed and prepared the night before so all I had to do was eat breakfast drink my 24 oz. of Accelerade and get dressed. MS was right on time.

We drove over to CS's house. MS and I took turns trying to destroy the powder room. MS came out singing "Ol' black water, keep on turning..." She's gross. We apologized profusely to CS - she vowed never to have us back. CS lives about a mile from the start so we just parked there, threw our backpacks on and pedaled to transition. 

Set up

We biked to transition. It was jammed already, but we all got good spots. The USTA officials were out in force (something I don't remember from the past) double checking transition set-ups. My number was announced as being racked incorrectly, but a USAT official was standing right there and cleared me, so I have no idea what that was all about. We went to body marking. A blogger friend, Natalie, was supposed to be there, but I didn't see her and I even loitered, uncomfortably, for a little while. I continued to drink whatever I could find (or at least it seemed like that - I think I am a nervous drinker.) As we were milling around our transition areas Greg Bennet walks by. Then Craig Alexander, Matty Reed and Andy Potts. They were walking the transition area so they knew where to go. It was cool to see these guys. They are pretty normal sized. Fit to be sure, but not super thin and wiry. Before we knew it we were kicked out of transition. We grabbed our wetsuits, caps and goggles and headed to the beach. 

As I am standing in line for the porta-potty with my gear in my hands, I suddenly realize I have absolutely NO IDEA what I am doing. I have no idea how I am going to transition from swim to bike. What the hell! I need to work off some nervous energy. 

I suit up to swim even though we have an hour before we start. I just needed to do something. It felt good to be in the water, but man were they liberal on the wetsuit ruling. The pool is cooler on most mornings. But hey, if you are going to allow me an advantage, I am going to take it along with everyone else. Luckily I have a sleeveless wetsuit or I would have been roasting. When I got out I had to pee, but decided I didn't have time to wait in the line for the nearest porta-pottys. I decided it wasn't that bad. I really should have hopped back in the lake and gone. Too late for that, they called my group.

The Swim

First a rant. How the hell do they figure out when each age group goes? My group was wave 30 out of 31 or 32. I did nothing but swim over people, push people out of my and dodge around people for the entire swim. I have no suggestions for solutions. Every age group will have faster and slower swimmers so there really isn't a good way to do it. It just seemed particularly irritating this year. 

The swim start was a huge pain the ass (sorry, a little more ranting, but this nature caused.) The start is time trial style with each person going off in 3 second intervals. The leg to the first buoy was directly in line with the sun. Sighting was absolutely impossible. I was able to stay close to the intermediate buoys and sight off of those but it was extremely difficult. The glare also made it impossible to see people ahead of me. As happened last year (but for other reasons) I found myself swimming half way over people before I realized it. There were also a lot of zigg-zaggers because the sighting was so hard. 

I made the turn at the first buoy and, like I always seem to do at this race, made it too wide. Now I am basically swimming back across to traffic to try to get on the shortest line. More traffic, more inadvertent beating up on competitors, more moving people out of the way. This leg seems to go on for ever, but I did notice the intermediate buoys going by quicker than I recall. 

I make it to the next buoy and am in a traffic jam. I remember that the angle back to the beach is tighter than 90 degrees and get on a good line. There is some chop picking up and and blowing right in my face. I get a couple of huge gulps of water when sighting so now I feel a little sloshy. There are lots of people around and I am hitting a lot of feet, hands, arms, etc. From the color of the caps around I can tell I am coming up through the wave that went over five minutes before me. I feel kind of bad about all the contact but not enough to stop and apologize. I am actually having pretty good luck just pushing people to the side - between me moving them and me moving away from them we both get more space. As we are getting closer to the swim out I feel more contact with my hands and feet. I know I am kicking people and hitting people but hey, I have a race to run. 

I see people standing up plowing through the water. I keep swimming until my hand hits sand a couple of times. I stand up and start "running." I really should have done a couple of dolphin dives because it was still a touch deep. All of the sudden I hear my name being called behind me. It's my friend MS. She tells me someone kicked her goggles off a couple of minutes ago and I fear that it might have been me. 

T1

I trot up the deep sand after leaving the water and start trotting to my bike. MS is right behind me and then passes me in T1. I am feeling kind of sloshy and my legs are not super "runny." I struggle out of my wetsuit - which took waaaay too much time - get the helmet and sunglasses on and grab my bike from the rack and trot to the bike out. 

The Bike

When I get to the bike mount area CS is getting on her bike. She too had started in the wave ahead of me, but she had a much faster transition than me. I uttered some garbled barks and click in her direction that, in my mind, sounded like, "Good luck, kick some ass," but like I can't high five when running, I can talk while trying to mount my bike.

My bike mount wasn't super stylish but it was efficient and I pedaled off with my feet on top of my shoes, gained some speed and got both feet in with little difficulty. Then I kicked ass. Within the first couple of miles I had caught up to MS. I passed her with a friendly, "Get out of my way, Sellke!" (I may be a tad hyper-competitive.)

I knew that my swim was only a couple of minutes faster than last year so I needed to have a strong bike, but not so strong I couldn't run. I was turning a big gear on the flats. On my training rides this year, I found that if I turned a big gear at a moderate cadence I could cruise along for quite awhile. I still suck climbing, but I worked the downhills like a maniac. So that is what I did. I pictured myself like a locomotive - slow to get up to speed, but effective when I get there. I didn't really "push." I found that sweet spot where the speed was high and my legs felt light. It was fantastic! 

I didn't shoot up the hills, but I didn't coast on the backs either so it more than evened out. More than once I had to remind myself that I still had to run and to hold back some. I played tag with another biker from my AG for about half the leg. He would zip ahead and then I would pass him and then he would repass me and back and forth. I have a feeling it was more him than me altering his speed, but it made for a funny distraction. I saw my family twice on the bike. They got a perfect spot on a long straightaway with very few other spectators around. It was at a spot where you double back after a loop around a lake. It was so great to see them cheering.

One thing that has given me endless amounts of pleasure is passing TT bikes. I ride a road bike with aero bars. A middle of the range Trek Madone with stock wheels (that suck, by the way), clip ons and the greatest saddle ever made - a Fizik Arione. I wear a middle of the road Giro helmet - nothing aero, just well vented. And I love to pass Cervelos and Felts with deep rim wheels and guys with aero helmets. As Lance said, "It's not about the bike."

(Disclaimer: I would LOVE to have a TT bike, don't get me wrong. And I have nothing against people owning or racing on them. Everyone makes their own choices. I had limited funds, I bought a bike that is more utilitarian for me. It is just kind of validating to me that you really can't buy speed.)

I was figuring my bike leg would take a little over an hour so I started fueling for the run right away. I was drinking from my aero-bar mounted water bottle and eating shot blocks so that I wouldn't be cramming in nutrition at the end of the ride. At one point we go rocketing over some train tracks and my aero-bar bottle popped out of its cage. I juggled it with one hand and was able get it back in place, but it was pretty funny. I drank the whole 22 ounces of liquid in that bottle and started the second one. At this point I am realizing that I really have to pee - still! I am figuring that during the run I would reabsorb some and the urge would pass. (I like to make up medical/anatomical theories for bodily functions - I have no idea if reabsorption is even possible, but whatever.) 

The bike-in was a thing of beauty. Early enough I started to get my feet out of my shoes and was able to step right off of my bike to run to T2.

T2

Running to rack my bike I had to go from one corner of transition to the diagonal opposite corner. I followed a guy just ahead of me through a couple of relatively open aisles to get to the main corridor. When I got back to my transition area I saw a couple of bikes already racked. Damn it, well off to the run. I got my bike on the rack, got my shoes on, hat on and number belt. Putting my number belt on I ripped the number off one side so I just tucked it in. (On the Fuel Belt number belts, do you leave the short bungies a little loose?)

The Run

Immediately out of transition is a water station - I passed. My legs were actually feeling pretty good, but, man, did I have to pee. I ran on trying not to think about it. 

I could not get my mind off of it. I needed to find a porta-potty. LIKE RIGHT FUCKING NOW! Problem is - there are none. We are running on trails in a park. I am going to have to gut this out. 

I am starting to get a cramp from clenching, but I can't release while I am running. I can't concentrate on anything else. I am going crazy. Why is this happening? Again! Here is what I figure: I drank my usual amount of liquid with breakfast. Then during set-up I drank another bottle. The day was cool and dry. I wasn't sweating nearly as much as when it is even a little warmer. Then I didn't pee before the swim. Then I took two HUGE gulps of lake water, followed by more liquid on the bike. So here I am with an uncomfortably full bladder and no where to go.

There is a point on the run course where you come off the path in the park and go half way down a bridge and make a u-turn then reenter the path in the park. As I am leaving the path the get on bridge I see two porta-pottys on the opposite corner - at the end of the u-turn. That stretch was the longest stretch of road I have ever run. I knew relief was waiting but there was no short cut. 

I get to the end of the u-turn, head toward the porta-pottys and am beat there by a step by someone else. SHIT! Both are occupied. The clock is ticking - quickly. The two of us wait. Finally, one door opens and the other guy goes in. Apparently, the person in the other one was having some real issues because they never came out even after this other guy left and I was done. I figure I dropped 5 minutes, just standing there and then peeing.

Once, I finished I was a new man. I took off, but I knew that my run was toast. Funny thing is, I caught up with the guy I was playing tag with on the bike. Turns out he was doing the short course as he peeled off to finish and I had one more lap to go. 

I was running OK but not quite as fast as I wanted. I wasted a lot of energy early on and now was starting to feel some more GI issues. I think it was a combination of things, as I wasn't running that hard and I had never had these issues at previous tris. (Running races are a different story, but I have come to expect these issues and prepare accordingly. For this I didn't.)

Finally, I was coming up to the finish. I was determined to push it hard down the chute and finish strong. I had also decided I would finish with my hands high over my head instead of my usual "run through." As I am running down the chute, who do I see? My family! They right on the barricade leaning over to give me high fives. (I tried and failed miserably. AGAIN!) I think that was easily the highlight of the day.

Post Race

Ugh, cramps! Almost immediately after finishing I was getting stomach cramps. Nothing debilitating, but not exactly enjoyable. I walked over to find my family and just missed MS and then CS finish as I was walking up behind them. 

My family and I then walked back to the finish area to try and catch MS and CS and then to find out our results. I ended up seeing the girls in the results line. MS came in 5th in her AG, CS came in 7th in the same AG. We all qualified to race at the Lifetime Fitness Challenge Championships down in Dallas, but none of us will (Dallas, ugh.) 

The girls were off finding their families and my fam and I were hanging around and who walks up but Natalie! She is super cool. And petite. For some reason I figured her to be taller. We all chatted for awhile. I had heard her cheering a couple of times on the course. (She is a much better spectathlete than I am. She was able to pick out my number or what I was wearing before I got to her - I always end up cheering after the person has gone by.) Hopefully Natalie will get a chance to race this year now that her vertigo has abated somewhat. 

My wife and kids were real troopers but they were getting restless so I cut them loose. We still had to pack up transition and find massages and pros. I personally needed to find a porta-potty and this couldn't wait. 

I just need to cut to the chase - I crapped a couple of times, the second time was kind of colorful so I thought it might be a little bloody as I hadn't been eating a lot of beets or anything. On my way back to find the girls ran into this guy:

Greg Bennet

This girl:

Pip Taylor

And this girl:

Sarah Haskins

They were all talking to people so I just took photos and moved on.

When I found the girls at the massage tent I sat down and waited for them to be done. Who walks by - Steve of Steve in a Speedo. We chatted for a little while - he is super nice.

That about raps it up. Next Sunday I get do a HIM distance race in Door County, Wisconsin. Imagine how long that race report will be. (Sorry this one kind of lost steam at the end, I will be more entertaining while I am on vacation.)

The Quick Result

Here are my results from today's Lifetime Fitness Triathlon. I am happy with everything but the run. (There is a story behind the run again and again it involves peeing.) I will definitely take 8th in my AG and 47th overall. Check back later tonight or tomorrow for a more detailed report with highlights including: beating the crap out of multiple swimmers (including possibly my friends MS and CS,) meeting blogger Natalie, meeting blogger Steve, scaring the ever living shit out of pro winner Sarah Haskins, peeing, taking pictures of pros and colorful (probably bloody) diarrhea.

Results For:
Todd Olson
International Course
Bib #: 1684
Age: 41
Gender: M
City, State: Edina, MN
Nation: USA
Race Category: International Age Group - Men 40 to 44
Triathlon Results - International Course
Finish Time: 2:23:30.8
Category Place: 8 out of 107 Men 40 to 44 finishers
Overall Place: 47 out of 1044 International Course finishers
Gender Overall Plc: 45 out of 746 Male finishers
Triathlon Splits
Swim 1.5K
Time: 22:56.3
Pace: 1:31 /100m
Category Place: 6
Overall Place: 20
Gender Overall Plc: 17
Transition #1
Time: 2:51.0
Category Place: 28
Overall Place: 266
Gender Overall Plc: 198
Bike 40K
Time: 1:08:32.0
Pace: 22.3MPH
Category Place: 14
Overall Place: 67
Gender Overall Plc: 65
Transition #2
Time: 1:29.7
Category Place: 9
Overall Place: 103
Gender Overall Plc: 79
Run 10K
Time: 47:41.6
Pace: 7:41/M
Category Place: 36
Overall Place: 241
Gender Overall Plc: 207

Ready to Rock!

Just a quick post pre-race. My wave goes off about 8:00 AM (CST). My race number is #1684. I have a blue swim cap so if I go down, NO ONE WILL SEE ME! I am feeling good and can't wait to wake up and get ready for my 4:45 AM pick-up. (Luckily I don't sleep well on the night before a race.) I am not sure what kind of tracking the Lifetime Fitness Triathlon has, if any, but you can check to make sure my race report is honest. Now, to lie around and try to keep my adrenaline in check.

I Hate A Parade

I am not a fan of parades. They are second only to circuses in the long list of things I don't like. Every Fourth of July our little suburb holds its parade down the main thoroughfare that runs near our house. This year I decided to document our parade in all its glory so I can laugh at some of my ridiculous neighbors all year long.

There are several categories of ridiculousness.

Creepy Clowns:

There were many creepy clowns but these two were the creepiest.

Man or woman? I am not sure and I am not sure I care - please move on! (Triple double creepy with a giant syringe.)

This clown had one creepy giant hand that he kept putting in kids faces (smell the glove = gross.) He had a name tag. Apparently his name is "Gizzy." (Pronounce it however you want. it's still creepy.)

Obnoxious neighbors/moms:

I really can't believe the lengths people go to in public to be obnoxious.

Here are some people who brought a couch to the parade because lawn chairs are clearly not good enough for their obnoxious asses.

And here they are pushing the couch back down the middle of our street after the parade. (Classy.)

This is obnoxious mom #1 (white shirt, khaki shorts.) She is basically shoving kids out of the way to get candy from some Cub Scouts. Her kid is standing behind her to the left in the green shirt. (How do I know this? Keep reading.)

Here is Obnoxious Mom #1 giving the candy she just got to her completely wimpified kid. She did this every time someone came by giving away candy. 

Here is Obnoxious Mom #2 taking a page from the playbook of OM #1. ("Here kids - mug the Daughters of the Revolution for some candy. Let mommy show you how it's done.")

Obnoxious Mom #3 was a little more subdued in her candy grubbing. She just sat in the middle of the street and held her kids' hands up to get some candy.

Sorry Floats/Bands:

Nothing says a parade like the local grocery store. (I was hoping they were throwing out broccoli. Or meat.)

A local garage and their Asian drum circle.

Followed by their flat-bed tow truck with a couple of "repo-hussies" on the back.

Nothing says America like high school girls in long lycra dresses with guns and strange spider webs snaking down the sides of their faces. (They kept dropping the guns and I was afraid they might inadvertently shoot one of the spectators.)

And my all-time favorite float - a garbage truck. They were throwing candy to the crowd from the back. (Really!?)

Super Heroes:

Yes, Super Heros.

Superman was there. He has been spending a lot of time in front of the computer lately so he has gotten a little out of shape. You can't tell from this picture, but he wasn't wearing his super underpants. And from the looks of things he wasn't "super" in all areas.

(Oh, yeah "Super Power!")

Batman and Robin were there, too. Robin was a little less enthusiastic than Batman.

Not-So-Super Girl made an appearance. As did her muffin-top and panty lines.

Wonder Woman brought up the rear. We were all speculating as to whether this get-up was her fantasy or her husband's.

After the parade we spent the day hanging around a friend's pool and eating all-American fare like chips and salsa, potato chips, beer and soda, burgers and chicken. Of course we watched fireworks later - they were pretty good this year.

Hope everyone else had a wonderful July 4th and didn't blow off any body parts with illegal fireworks. (Happy Belated Canada Day to all you Canucks who think of July 4th as the day before July 5th.)

Finally, A Good Monday Swim

Masters this morning was pretty good. I have been struggling with the Monday workouts lately. (If you recall, last Monday there was a lot of pouting by me and I cut out really early.) This morning's workout went really well. I wasn't "chicked," made all the intervals and and swam every meter. Hopefully, this is a good sign for Saturday. 

I was hoping to get a ride in this afternoon, but it looks like it might rain so that plan might be changed to riding on the trainer in the garage. whoopee!

Six Days to Truth

Lifetime Fitness Olympic Triathlon is next Saturday. (I think a lot of the pros are in town or will be soon, so I will be like a 13 year old girl trying to rub shoulders with these folks, but not in a stalkerish way.) I had been doing very well with training (and still am in reality) but have done nothing, really, for the last two days. I did ride around Lake Harriet with the family but of course that doesn't raise the heart rate. 

I blew off the opportunity to run yesterday morning and then I blew off the opportunity to go for a bike ride this morning. This week will be better. I am planning on swimming on Monday and Wednesday and running Tuesday and Thursday as usual. I would like to fit in at least one bike ride and two if possible and then have nothing on Friday. I just can't seem to get on my bike consistently.

I have to remember that anything that I do or don't do this upcoming week will probably have little impact on my performance. (Unless I am a total idiot and decide to ride a hundred miles or run two-a-days, which I won't be doing.)

A week Lifetime is my HIM. I am concerned that workouts I miss this week will have an impact on that race however. I guess I will just take it one day at a time for the next couple of weeks - the base is there, I just have to trust in it for the races.

That Would Be Some Pretty Decent Scotch

Today I celebrate 13 mostly wonderful years with my first wife. (See, I can never be serious.) Thirteen years ago we got married and it has been a wonderful life all along. We have had some bumps, some potholes, some spinouts, some construction zones, some freeways and some traffic jams. But in all the miles we have travelled together we haven't fought over the radio station much and we always wear our seat belts. (I am milking the driving analogy waaaay too much aren't I?) So here is to A and I and to another 13 fabulous years. (Followed, of course, by 13 more fabulous years - let see that gives us 39 - and to a bunch more after that.) Yeah, us!

Here are some of my favorite pictures of A.

A Time to Say Goodbye

I don't know the last time I went this long without posting. Much has been going on this week and it has given me little time to sit and think and write. 

A week ago Thursday my grandmother died. She was 89 and sharp as a tack until the end. She had some medical issues as most elderly people do, but she lived independently in an assisted living building. Made herself dinner every night. Volunteered in the office. Was a member of the bell choir. 

Our theory is that she was having some pulmonary issues and they took her to the hospital. Once they got her stabilized they decided to send her to a nursing home. Well, she would have none of that. My grandfather spent his last days in a nursing home and no one liked it - it may have shortened his life because it was the one thing he did not want to have to experience. I don't know if my grandma voiced her opposition to the nursing home of if she just decided that she had lived enough and decided now was the time. She died peacefully in her sleep.

So last weekend was spent rearranging schedules for this week and then this week was taken up with the visitation on Tuesday night, funeral Wednesday and interment Thursday. We did have the advantage that my grandma lived only about a half hour away, but there was still a lot of driving to and from. 

Here is a picture of my grandma with my kids a few of years ago. 

She had a rough patch there - she was in a car accident when the building's van was t-boned by another car (that is why she looks like she went a couple of rounds with Evander Holyfield.) Soon after she recovered from that beating, she was walking down the hall and one of her friends' cane was sticking out from her chair a little far and she tripped over it, fell flat on her face and broke her nose. Poor thing. But none of it slowed her down.

I am sad that my grandma is gone, she was my last living grandparent, but I am not devastated. She lived a great, long life, was with it to the end and went out the way she had always wanted to. I will miss her.

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I can never take anything too seriously. The bell choir that my grandma played in played a couple of songs at her funeral. As I was listening to them play a hymn and then a pop tune from the 1930's or 40's I started to wonder what kind of music a bell choir would play at funerals for my generation. I swear I could hear a bell choir version of Prince's "Little Red Corvette" or Linkin Park's "Bleed it Out." I am such a dork.

Sweet Ride

Sunday was a gorgeous day here in Minnesota. What a difference one day makes. It was a little windy, but there was low humidity, mild temps and clear skies for our 50 mile bike ride. MS and I were both very glad we waited a day to ride. 

I got to MS's house at 8:00 AM - a much more leisurely start time than what we are used to. We were ready to roll in very short order. I practiced peddling with my feet on top of my shoes and then sliding them in. I took my time and got them in pretty quickly with no drama.

We headed out west on our usual route. We pick up a bike path that runs near MS's house and wind through residential and light industrial areas - not at all picturesque. Our goal was to ride around one of the local lakes and through the small towns that line the shores. I brought a camera but I need to do a better job taking interesting pictures. (Saw a HUMONGOUS snapping turtle sunning itself along the side of the road and didn't bother to take a picture.) 

(My picture would have been WAY better.)

Here is a picture of our steeds as we take a bathroom break. We probably shouldn't  have parked such hot rides right by the propane tanks, but we like to live dangerously.

Here is a picture of MS trying to sell her bubble bike.

Here is a picture of Main Street in Wayzata. It was really quiet and idyllic at 9 AM on a Sunday morning. (You can see MS up ahead of me - she was wondering if I had stopped to window shop or something.)

Here is a picture in the other direction - you know, variety.

Here is a picture of a park by Lake Minnetonka (Zzzz - even I think this is boring.)

There is MS up ahead again. (Don't worry the pictures are almost over.)

All total we did 51.5 miles. Plenty good for a couple of people with spouses and kids. I practiced getting my feet out of my shoes while still riding and again - slow and steady - was able to get them off without issue. We did a two mile run right off the bike for a little added interest. My legs felt way better than my last brick in the blast furnace. 

The ride was not intense (although I did hit over 40 miles an hour on a slight decline with the wind at my back. I also hit over 38 miles an hour peddling hard on a steep downhill with a stiff wind in my face. MS told me she had a "day-mare" on that. She pictured me launching over the front end of car at full speed and she had to call my wife to tell her I had hurt myself.) More than anything it was good to spend several hours in the saddle and the aero position. My lack of saddle and aero time was one of the things that held me back on the bike last year. I am also very happy to say that my bike is extremely comfortable this year. The new seat and setup is really nice and should definitely contribute to faster times coming up. 

I parked my car in front of LF's house (MS and LF live right next to each other) and I came back to this view through my windshield. That is a lot of bird crap. I had no idea there were such hate filled birds in the Farrell yard. What a mess!

This morning was Masters again. There were some new people joining us so the lanes were a little more full than usual - even for a Monday. There were fast people in the slower lanes and slower people in the faster lanes. I was a big baby. It started out OK, but when we got into the main set I decided I didn't like it and would do some then pout, then do some more then pout. About half way through I put a fork in it and called it done. Not a total waste, but not stellar - what-ever. I will try again Wednesday.

I am getting super excited for my upcoming races. I am feeling way more confident now and know the races will be fun and should be fast. Now I just have to take it one day at a time and not be an idiot (or more of an idiot.)

tRain

The operative part of "train" this morning was "rain." MS and I were going to get up and go for a 50+ mile ride so our longest ride of the season did not happen during our last race of the season (like last year for me.) We were hoping the weather folks would get the forecast wrong and we would not have thunderstorms in the morning, but they actually were pretty accurate for once. The lightening had passed hours before and now it was just a steady rain. We decided to postpone the ride until tomorrow and run instead.

Of course when we got to the lakes to run, it had stopped raining and was Amazon humid. Aww, crap. We should have biked. Lo and behold (how many times do you get to say that much less type it?) it started to rain lightly, then it stopped - should have biked. Then it started to rain lightly again but for a longer time - glad we were running. Then is stopped - should have biked. Then it started to pour and it poured for the rest of the run - really glad we were running. The run was over 10 miles, but our pace was very easy. Part of me felt like I needed to go faster, but what I really needed was an actual recovery run. Over the next week, my body will thank my mind for holding back. 

Tomorrow is supposed to be a much nicer day and we are all ready to bike. We will be going out a little later in the morning so I will get to sleep in a little bit. We will run a couple of miles right off the bike for another brick session.

In other training news, I made it to Masters three times last week. Friday was sprint day, nothing over 100 m, but high intensity. I really think those workouts are more difficult than a set of longer swims and I used to be a sprinter in college. I hope that I will be able to get the same amount of training in next week maybe with some more biking. The week after that is about half a week of training and then the Liftetime Fitness Olympic tri. (I hope I can rub shoulders with some of the big time pros and maybe get a picture with Emma Snowshill. I saw her last year - teeny tiny and super cute - oh, and F-A-S-T, fast.)

Oh yeah, one last thing - I am a winner! I responded clumsily to a Twitter contest from Garmin and won a Garmin running tank/singlet. (Now if I could just figure out how to win a new TT bike, that would rock!)

Someone Please Tell Me There Is Nothing Wrong

This is such a loaded statement, so let's just lob it up there and let you jolly jokers take a swing. Here is where this is coming from. I did get a run in this evening (instead of going to E's soccer game were she kicked ass and took names and scored a goal - now I feel bad.) Once again it was hot and humid and I was sweaty. I can't seem to get my legs to go faster. 

Now, can someone tell me that this "governor" is heat related. I couldn't get the running legs going in the heat of the race on Saturday, I couldn't get the legs going on Tuesday and then I couldn't get them going again tonight. Nothing feels strange. I feel like I am breathing a little faster than usual, but that has to be heat related. 

Right now I am chalking this up to heat acclimation and that come race day - if it's hot - I will be better prepared than last year. I will keep an eye on my runs and see if there are any improvements.

Any suggestions or recommendations are greatly appreciated.

Struck By Lightening

OK - not really, but the fear was there when I woke up to a loud and violent thunderstorm. No running for me around an open lake with tall trees and power lines. Back to sleep. In the time it took me to go downstairs, send off an email saying, "No Run," grab a drink of water and return to the bedroom, the dog had taken over my side of the bed. AND HE WOULD NOT MOVE. I didn't want to wrestle with him for fear of waking A up (and we all know what happens when I do that - no it ain't that - she gets crabby) so I curled up in the fetal position on the very edge of the mattress and wiggled my feet under a little bit of sheet that was available and laid there cursing myself for being a spineless pet owner.

Now I don't know when I am going to find time to get in a run or anything else. I am getting a haircut however so that kind of counts as training. (Doesn't it?) I will be sure to report how I get my sweat on today, because that is all any of my dear readers (mom) wants to know about. Zzzzzzz!

I Love to Be Wet

It's either sweat or the pool, but apparently I like to be wet. Like all the time. The weather this morning was not as bad as Monday so Masters went better. I was not "chicked" today, but then the "chicks" who "chicked" me were not present. Wednesday is IM day so there is a different mix of people. I am proficient in many strokes so I tend to hang at the front. The water in our pool is H-O-T - HOT! I sweat in the pool. (I see tweets with the same complaint across the country.) I was smart and brought a water bottle (I don't usually) but I want to make sure I am hydrating after my adventure in weight loss yesterday. (I am back up to 195 much to my disappointment, but at least I am not virtually sweating blood anymore.) About 50 minutes and 3,100 meters after starting we were done. Capped off with a "brilliant" 400 IM. ("Brilliant" only in the fact that coach put it at the end after a brutal combination of stroke work and 200 IMs. And I still thanked her on the way out.)

I have a few things on the docket in the middle of the day, but I hope I can get on my bike for awhile this afternoon. I should probably do a short run again after my bike ride, but I think I will take it a little easier. 

17 days until Lifetime Fitness Olympic Tri. It doesn't seem like a lot of time, but if I can keep up the training schedule I have been on I will be the best prepared I have been. Onward!

Miraculous Weight Loss

It is damn hot and humid here in Minneapolis. Even at 5:30 AM. We did our usual Tuesday run - my total distance was 10.75 miles. We were not running very fast as it was so muggy and warm, but we were still working. I am a heavy sweater. How heavy? I drank 24 oz. of Accelerade before I went out and we stopped for water 3 times during the run. When I got home I was 188 lbs. Yesterday I was 195. Needless to say I am drinking every liquid I can ingest. It is fun to see my weight under 190 even if it is misleading. 

Bric

Yes, I left the "k" off of "brick" because I didn't really finish it. After swimming this morning and then returning to the pool with the kids for a few hours in the afternoon, I decided to do a brick. A got out of work on time and came to the pool to relieve me (that was news to her) and I went home to hop on the bike for a hard hour ride followed by a two mile run. Why so short you may ask. Well, I had to make dinner and it was 92 with a 97 degree heat index. Just a little toasty. 

I slathered on the sunscreen, got dressed and put together a couple of water bottles. Yesterday I rigged up a water bottle cage between my aero bars. I have seen it on a couple of pro bikes and I saw it on a couple of bikes at the race on Saturday and it looked pretty easy to do with a handful of zip-ties. I like it better than an aero bottle because I can put whatever bottle in the cage. I used to have a couple of bottles behind my seat, but on a few rides this spring I spent more time retrieving ejected bottles than actually drinking from them. And they were not particularly easy for me to grab and replace. I will give up a little aerodynamic advantage for speed and ease of use. 

So, I drop some Nuun tabs in a couple of bottles, let them fizz till they were done, snapped the tops closed and I was off. Now, I have two kinds of bottles I use. One is your typical bike bottle but the other one is a fancy Camleback bottle. I like these bottles because you can use their little bite-valve and suck instead of having to crane your neck to get that last gulp. The Camleback bottle has a lid you can twist to turn it "on" or "off". I usually leave it "on" because nothing really spills too much. (I know - "Your water bottles are FASCINATING, please go on and on and tell us more. We are RIVETED!" Fine, I will change the subject.)

I decided to practice getting my feet in my shoes on the bike. First lesson - go slow. I get one shoe flipped over with my foot on top and proceed to coast down the driveway. I flip the other shoe over and get my foot on top of it and pedal slowly down the street. Our street is a mess right now because they are about to tear it up to replace all the sewer and water lines. They haven't fixed a pot hole all spring - very bumpy. Peddling down the street I am feeling pretty good.

What the hell!? What is spraying me in the face. I can't see. It's my Camelback bottle in the aero bar cage geysering out of the bite valve back into my face. Apparently, when you use those Nuun tabs and then seal them in a bottle and then shake said bottle, the fizz causes the liquid to spout out all over the place. I almost crashed - blind, stocking footed and sweaty - trying to stem the tide of Triple Berry Nuun juice. I regained control and turned the lid to "off" - just ridiculous.

I proceeded to get my feet in my shoes with no problem. I will continue to practice that maneuver as much as I can. 

I biked around the lakes to the entrance to the bike/pedestrian trail we like to ride on. As I was waiting at the stop light to cross to the entrance, I decided to grab a drink. I pulled the Camelback bottle out of the handy aero bar holder, turned the lid to "on" and shot myself in both eyes and up my nose as the pent up pressure came spewing out the bite-valve again. I swear I am a moron! I did get the valve to my mouth and had a drink without falling over in traffic. From then on the ride was smoooooth, fast, hot, sweaty sailing. 

*Warning* Do Not combine these two things with a bumpy road!

I hammered it an hour holding 24+ mph on the straightaways to really get my legs burning (my average speed - from leaving my driveway to returning home - was 19.9 mph.) I also practiced getting my feet out of my shoes while on the bike and that went amazingly smoothly. Again, I took it slow and I will keep practicing. When I got home I got the running shoes and shorts on and headed back out to click off a couple of quick miles.

The heat caught up with me almost immediately. I was working hard. I really pushed the pace and in the future I will take it a little easier. I got about a half mile in, started to get a side stitch was breathing uncharacteristically fast and decided I had made my point. I turned around and started back and got about another quarter mile and then walked that final quarter. It was a good enough outing for the first time in this kind of heat. That and I will be running at least 10 miles tomorrow morning. 

The weather says we will have another day of this heat and then possibly a cool down. Who knows?

Back to Training

I took yesterday off - it was Father's Day and I was lazy. I am back at it today. I swam with Master's this morning. It was warm and muggy. I felt like I swam to the pool. Monday is usually distance day and today was no different - 400s LCM. I toughed them out because I was surprisingly still sore from Saturday's race. I missed my floaty wetsuit, too. I got chicked once in my lane and by some speedy older woman one lane over. Ah, who cares. There will be people faster and slower then me no matter where I go or what I do - we are all on a different page of our story. (Not that this is any "excuse" but the woman in my lane was swimming with paddles and a pull-buoy - I was not. When we lost the "accessories" on the last one I was back in front.)

I know I am working hard when I am sweating standing in the pool. It doesn't help that the pool is as warm as pee right now, ugh. I was still sweating after I took my shower at the pool and at home. I tweeted about it and got this response:

I will not be ordering a "book" to "learn" how to sweat less - ridiculous.

I am planning on doing a brick this afternoon - when it is brutally hot. A hard hour on the bike and then a four mile run, fast. Depending on timing I may have to do the bike in the garage on the trainer so I can be around for the kids. Not ideal but not the worst option. I will also be practicing getting my feet into and out of my bike shoes while on the bike - multiple times. The countdown is on for Lifetime Olympic and the HIM - here we go!

Hardware!

6 AM Sunday morning - Father's Day. Yesterday was kind of a crazy day. I raced, had to stick around for the awards, when I got home the kids went to separate birthday parties so A and I went out for lunch, then a nap, then dinner at a friend's house for MS's birthday. But, here are the race highlights - 1:14:58 - 3rd in age group (40-44), 35th overall out of 457, 33rd male out of 260. Now for some details.

I am very surprised by my results. First of all, this is my second triathlon season (although it feels like I have been doing it much longer) and my fourth triathlon ever. We have a pretty good triathlon community in the Twin Cities metro area (read: competitive and fast) so I would never think I would be that competitive especially in my age group, which seems to have a lot of good racers. 

OK so here is how it went down. I woke up way too early. I always do the morning of a race. I had packed all my stuff the night before and mixed up all my little potions and drinks so I had very little to do. The race started at 7:30, I had to pick up MS at 5:30 and it would take about half an hour to get to the race after packing up. As I sat in my dark house, eating my breakfast, I kept thinking I was forgetting something, but I didn't (who doesn't think that, right?)

I picked up MS right on time and we got to transition without any trouble - found a close parking spot - all was right with the world. Transition was wide open so we had a good choice of spots. I laid out all my stuff - nothing missing, thank goodness. (Let me stop for a minute, I must sound completely OCD, like I have to keep checking to make sure I have my helmet, did I forget my helmet, I have to touch my helmet 12 times and then my running shoes, but if I accidently touch my running shoes before my helmet for the 12th time I have to start over and I have to touch the right running shoe before the left and only the toe, not the laces, did I forget my helmet - how many times had I touched my helmet - damn, now I have to go back home and start all over. That is not me! Missing stuff is not debilitating for me, I don't know why I keep mentioning it. 9, 10, 11, 12 - whew done!)

Here is where the fun starts. I put my shoes on my pedals and then rubber banded them in place. I have never raced in these bike shoes and I have never rubber banded my shoes in place. MS thought it was a good idea so she did the same. Everything in its place, check, check and quadruple check. Time to get dressed. I again struggled with my shirt. Some guy actually cheered for me when I finally got it on.

I milled around anxiously and finally decided to go for my warm up swim. (Someone's got to be first, right?) I had forgotten about our open water swim the Thursday before so this would be the first time in my wetsuit since last season. (I did actually forget about the swim - it was after the kid's soccer games and there was some drama and a DQ run and all of the sudden it was an hour after swim time - sorry.) The water was not nearly as cold as I thought it would be and a wetsuit wasn't even necessary, but they were legal and I would be a fool to decline free flotation. The warm up went well, I swam to the first buoy and back, and got all the kinks worked out. Let's just jump to the start.

Swim

The swim went great - I was in the third wave behind the elite wave and the relay and "youngster?" wave. We went off in 5 minute intervals. I lined up way to the left so I could avoid a scrum and have a good angle to the first buoy. The sprint to that first buoy was me and one other guy. He was heading straight and I could see us converging. He got to the turn just ahead of me and I hopped on his feet. We ran into some traffic from the previous waves and I lost him, but I was kicking butt. It felt great. I was maybe a little long as I didn't swim the straightest line, but nothing major. We caught the previous wave and actually some of the elite wave. I may have been a little off course because I kept sighting on orange swim caps rather than the HUGE orange buoys. I's not real brite.

Half mile swim in 10:24 (I think that is about 1:11 100's, but DO NOT trust my math on any of this.) I certainly feel like I could have maintained this pace - that will be good for the upcoming Olympic and HIM.

T1

Trotted into T1 and found my bike no problem - wetsuit off with no drama - helmet, sunglasses on and we're off. 1:38 - not bad - I was admittedly a little lackadaisical in my run in and out.

Bike

Although what is about to happen is considered a transition error (understatement of the century) I am reporting about it here because it affected my bike time and not my transition time.

Rubber banded shoes = fail. Broke cardinal rule #1 - never try something new on race day. I guess they were OK, but they certainly did not help that much. (Would someone do me a favor and send me a video or crayon drawing of how to do this? Thanks.) I stopped and threw my leg over my bike, slipped my right foot in my shoe and started peddling. I did a couple of revolutions with my foot on top of my left shoe and then when I went put it in my shoe I pushed too hard and pushed all the way through - I pulled the damn strap completely out of the buckle. Bike start = HUGE fail. I had to stop, unclip, get all contorted and with my left hand, fish the strap back through. Now I am starting from a dead stop, on a hill, a little rattled and I have probably wasted a couple of minutes being stupid. Nothing motivates you like a handful of mountain bikes flying by you as you fiddle with your fancy shoes.

Once I got going, I hammered. The course was a little hilly. They probably would not have seemed that bad on a longer course, but wanting to grind a huge gear and then having to back off on the hills felt almost like going backward. (Note to self - more biking and more hills.) I also must point out that I was riding this course blind. I never previewed it so I had no idea what was coming. The course is an out and back so I had some idea what was coming on the second half. I felt like I was fast and I cranked it all the way down on the downhills (top speed - 35 MPH.) I came flying into town and up to T2. Too fast - I forgot to unstrap my shoes and pull my feet out before having to dismount. I had to run in my bike shoes, unstrapped. Time: 41:14 - about 21 MPH average. Really happy with that time considering all the BS at the very beginning which means my actual average speed was probably faster.

T2

In, out and on my way - 1:00. I'll take that.

Run

I need to do more bricks. My legs felt, well, like bricks. I just could not get them turning over. They didn't feel "normal" until right before the turn around and even after that, I just could not get them to fire. Coming into the final straightaway I saw MS going out on the run. She yelled some encouragement and I was going to give her a big "clap, point and holler," but I missed my own hands when I tried to clap. (How hard is it to clap? Just once! I am such a spaz.) I thought MS was going to wet herself she was laughing so hard at me. My watch said I was running 7:05's but I wanted to run faster. Turns out I may have been running faster. Final time 20:43 or about 6:55 pace. 

Post-Race

After milling around and getting something to drink, watching MS come in and having a banana or two, someone suggested we check out the results. I have no idea where I stand in a race. I certainly never expect to place particularly high and usually am more interested in my time then anything. If I am in the top 25% or on the first page of results I am happy. 

I was kind of surprised to see my name in the middle of the first page and then to see a "3/49." "I may have just gotten third in my age group," I thought to myself, but these are just preliminary results. I called home and let them know I had to stay until the awards to see if I actually came in third. 

Award Time

I came in third in my age group! Holy crap! F would be beside himself that I won a trophy. (He was excited that I got a trophy and he was concerned that I would not have enough room on my dresser so he asked if he could keep it for me. Of course he can. It is now safely on his dresser - I can visit when ever I want.)

Now What?

Here is what I have taken away from my race: 

• Practice the fricking bike transition - jeeze! 
  
• More bricks. (Another favor - does anyone have a rule-of-thumb for the minimum amount of time on a bike before a run? Does that make sense?)
  
• More biking - duh!
  
• Open water swims - not that I had any problems, but it will be good to practice maintaining a higher turnover for a longer distance and get my sighting down again.
  

My next race is the Lifetime Fitness Olympic Distance Tri here in Minneapolis. It is a huge race with lots of big name pros. It was fun last year and should be again this year. That is three weeks away. Then the weekend immediately after that is my HIM in Door County, Wisconsin. I am super excited for this one again this year. I really have to focus in on that run as there are a couple of killer hills. Next two or two and a half weeks is dedicated to improving my weak areas and maintaining my strengths. This last race was a great way to start season two.

It's On!

Finally - first tri of the very short and quick season. I feel like this is my first race ever. I feel like I am forgetting something important. And I am up way too early. I will post a race report later today. I'll be fine, just pre-race jitters as normal.

Pedicures, Training and Racing

Last weekend was a fairly big training weekend for me. With no marathon training necessary, I changed my Saturday run to a Saturday brick - the first one of the season and long overdue. I rode the only route I am comfortable with these days (I am such a wuss) but it incorporates a loop of nice hills - so I did the loop five times. Total mileage was only about 34 miles, but with the hills it counts for more. (Right? That and dragging my lard-ass around, that counts for more, too. Right? You people need to cut a guy a break.)  Below are the profiles from my bike. You can really see the profile of the hills - both by elevation and heart rate. Kind of crazy.

I rode home and had all my running stuff laid out and quickly got off the bike and into running attire. I decided to run sans socks knowing I would more than likely get some rubbing somewhere from my fairly new shoes. It started almost immediately, but it never got very bad. It was rubbing right under my ankle bone on both feet. Better to find out now and be able to lube it up than to find out during a race. My legs felt crazy-weird. I don't remember them feeling quite so weird last year, but I also don't think I hammered a bunch of hills and then decided to run. 

The run really went pretty well. I was clicking along pretty comfortably at a 7:30 pace (yes, I know I am not setting the world ablaze with my speed.) Four miles in just over 30 minutes. Now, I have been working on my running economy lately. I am a natural forefoot striker/very mild supinator so I have been working to take advantage of my natural gait and trying to become more efficient. I concentrate on not over-striding (which I used to do last year) and keeping my feet underneath me, staying light on my feet with a quick consistent turnover. It seems to really be helping as evidenced by my fast half-marathon and my consistent marathon recently. It really made a big difference on the brick as I don't know if I could have run that pace at that effort last year. I am probably doing way better than I figure I am.

The rest of Saturday was super lazy. We had no plans. We got outside and did a bunch of work in the yard and played with the dog and the kids. A decided that she needed a pedicure so she went up to the little Vietnamese nail place in the neighborhood. E decided she wanted to go with. I thought E was just going to hang out and talk while A got her toes painted. E came home with this.

This is cute on so many levels. First, the color she chose is the most attention-getting green. Second, she got a flower added to her big toes and third, she has the cutest little sausage toes ever. (The pictures are slightly out of focus because E took them herself and couldn't stop laughing.) She has been wearing flip flops everywhere to show them off.

My first race of the year is on Saturday and now I am having all sorts of anxiety. I am a middle of the pack age group type guy (OK, maybe more first quarter of the pack, but still) so it's not like I have a whole lot of pressure to "win." I do want to go faster and by "faster" I mean "fas-ter". I just hope I have enough bike legs and run legs - I should have more than last year just by virtue of experience and additional training. We have yet to get out for an open water swim this year and I am somewhat concerned about that, but not too much. It will be a wetsuit legal swim, I should be able to go sleeveless and the swim course is a point-to-point with the beach to the right the whole way. Since this is a sprint I have been paring down the crap on my bike. I switched to the small Fizik bag that clips to my Fizik saddle. Lost the seat mounted water bottle holders and will probably ditch the bento box in favor of tape or carrying gels in a pocket. I want transition to be simple and fast, but I have yet to practice a bike mount. Maybe Wednesday. Anything will be better than last year when I put on socks because I hadn't run without them at all and I had just put my aero bars on an wasn't comfortable with them so I was only in the drops. I also ran in my bike shoes in transition instead of leaving them on the pedals. Novice!

Today was the third day of Masters at the outdoor LCM pool. Monday is distance day so we had a bunch of 200's. I am feeling better, although I was just hanging on at the end. I have put myself in the fast guy lane and have been brining up the rear, but not out of touch with the super-fast leaders. These guys are younger and they are "swimmers". I don't hear much talk about marathons or tris from these guys, so I guess I should feel good about my situation. I hope each session gets better - I'll keep working at it. 

This week looks a little rainy, but I will need to get on the bike - I can run and swim in rain, no problem. Saturday is supposed to be sunny and clear if not a little warm. It should be a beautiful day to race - I hope the weather man gets the forecast right. Off to bed - run tomorrow.

The Pain of Owning a Dog

A couple of days ago my calf was sore. I rubbed it to try to loosen it up. Just touching it made it hurt worse. Then I had my foot up on the table and I saw this:

The day before, Apollo and I had been playing in the backyard and he came tearing around our big tree and smashed his cement truck size head into my leg. I jokingly told him, "That's gonna leave a mark." Turns out, it did.

Stuff I Swim With

If you don't know, I grew up here in Minnesota - "The Land of 10,000 Lakes" - so I am used to swimming in lakes. I don't necessarily like it. I would prefer to look at coral heads and pretty parrot fish and other oceany stuff. One problem with the metro area lakes around Minneapolis is that the visibility is terrible. "Murky" would be a good description. Again, this is nothing new to me. Many of the lakes I grew up around (unless they are the Great Lakes or spring fed) are murky and have weeds. That murk hides stuff though. To keep from having a heart attack at every shadow that moves underneath me, I swim with my eyes closed underwater. I really hate getting startled, which is why I hate balloons as well. Aside from weeds, which gross me out, but I take like a "man," there are fish. Big fish, fast fish, bitey fish.  Like these:

The Muskie

The Northern Pike

The Crappie (pronounced: crop-ee)

The last one is considerably smaller than the others, but is the most bitey. It's not uncommon to have the baby crappies, sunfish or perch nibble not so gently on your toes, fingers or any other pink bits that might be underwater when you are standing around. (Nipples you dirty-birds - not that I have personally experienced that indignity, thank god!) Other people have been bitten by muskies and northerns as they swim. They have a lot of tiny, sharp teeth. It leaves a mark. A painful, bloody mark. But at least they aren't like sharks that will tear your arm off and then invite their friends to join the blood feast. So I have that going for me.

Do Not Piss Daddy Off This Summer

Any of you! Including the dog! Or you will get more of this!

The kids seem to be enjoying this. The dog, not so much.

Something I Ate

Here is a picture of a wonderful lunch treat I concocted for myself.

Mac & Cheese (Kraft Dinner, for the Canuks) and bacon. MMMmmmm!

Here is a picture of the angioplasty I gave myself after eating the above lunch treat.

At-home medical procedures are so convenient.

My Dad Skills Rock!

During the last week of school F had to read a poem of his choosing to his classmates and their various assembled parents, siblings and hangers-on. With the help of A, (read: A's selection for F) "Fog" by Carl Sandburg was chosen. It is a short poem with much imagery. The students were encouraged to bring props to enhance their presentation. What the hell kind of prop do you bring to enhance a poem about, basically, a cloud? You don't bring a prop, you bring a "special effect" you know a "cloud" - dry ice and hot water. F thought it would be awesome! A got video.

Here is the poem for those who have the sound off, can't hear or prefer text to video.

Fog

by Carl Sandburg

The fog comes

on little cat feet.

It sits looking

over harbor and city

on silent haunches

and then moves on.

You have to admit - my dad skills are pretty impressive, as is the size of my upper body. (Modesty is also a strong suit of mine. Being delusional tends to drag the whole package down a bit.)

Sprint Countdown

My first tri of the season is June 20th. It's a nice little sprint warm up - half-mile swim (point to point), 15 mile bike and 3 mile run. I am a little panicked about my training. Run - no problem. Swim - if I can get in the pool a couple times a week over the next week and a half, I should be OK and I am pretty sure it will be wetsuit legal which makes me fly. The bike is the big question mark/concern. The weather hasn't been cooperating - it is raining again right now, so I have been unable to get a brick in, much less get on the bike at all. I think I am going to have to throw the ride on the trainer and hammer for an hour sometime tonight. I guess I can only do what I can do. My initial race plan is to go anaerobic from the gun - kill the swim, hammer the bike and run until I feel like I might puke - I would love for it to last an hour or less. It's still ten days away - plenty of time right?

This morning was my first time back in the pool in about two weeks. I didn't swim the week before the marathon and then took the week off after because the alternate pool was inconvenient. We are at the 50 meter long course outdoor pool now. I love it, but it kicks my ass the first few times. I hung in there pretty well. IM's today with a ton of kicking - I still have tired legs apparently. Hopefully, I will be able to get back in on Friday. I also need to figure out when I can get an open water swim in, although I am not overly concerned. 

Now, on to the rest of my day.

Elise/Finnism

In the car listening to the radio.

Me: "Hey, kids it's the new Miley Cyrus song."

F: "Ugh, we hate Miley Cyrus."

E: "Miley Cyrus is sooo over."

(Anyone want to buy a couple of front row tickets to the Miley Cyrus concert? Anyone? No? Damn it!)

Summer Vacation

This past weekend was up and down. The kids finished up school for the year on Friday. It was a beautiful day. I rode to and from school with them as I have been doing for a lot of the last couple of weeks. It is so great to have the kids wanting to ride their bikes.

Saturday I decided to run. I was going to wait until Tuesday but I kept seeing people running and my legs were feeling good so I decided I had to go on Saturday. We ran three miles. Keep in mind this is a little less than a week post marathon. I kind of wanted to go further but I decided to do the three and not push it. When I got home I was lamenting the fact that I didn't have any speed and with a sprint triathlon coming up in two weeks I was concerned about the "sprint" aspect. I decided that if I got up early enough I would run again on Sunday. 

Running on Sunday was pretty much a sure thing. My kids don't know the meaning of sleeping in unless it's a school day and there is test. My dog is on a 5 AM schedule, too. For some reason he thinks it's playtime at that hour. Needless to say, I did not sleep late. I did piss around for awhile, let A sleep in and I watched cartoons with the kids. Finally, about 7:45 or so I decided I needed to get out and run so I woke A up (she was awake, just lying there) and headed out. My plan was to run four miles - mile one was to be a warm up, two miles quick and a mile warm down. I didn't have real high expectations for this as I had run the day before and had run a marathon a week before that. My warm up was about 7:48, the next two miles were around 6:53 and the warm down was 8:16. Way faster than I expected and it felt way better. My HR did this crazy thing. You can see the chart below. It was higher at the beginning and dropped down during the highest effort. I love that! I feel like my speedy legs are still there. Now, for some biking and swimming.

Today is the first Monday of summer vacation for the kids and it couldn't be more of a disaster. OK, I am probably overreacting, exaggerating, overstating, unduly pessimistic. The day (and most of the past weekend) has been gray, rainy and cold. This morning it was thunderstorms and 49 degrees and now it's gray and about 51. Being cooped up in the house with my monsters damn near drove me bat-shit crazy. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but they are fricking LOUD! They actually have been playing well together for long stretches at a time. (Right now E is repeating, "Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy..." Hold on while I stuff a sock in her mouth.) 

Around 1:30 I needed to get some coffee and the kids needed to get out of the house so we walked up to Caribou Coffee. I told them to grab their Nintendo DSs so they wouldn't be completely bored. All I wanted was a change of scenery for about a half hour. E wanted a decaf mocha and two chocolate covered espresso beans - the girl is only 9 - but I gave her what she wanted because she ordered it herself. F just wanted water and he got all shy and wouldn't order but he did eventually upgrade to a Triple Berry smoothie, which he inhaled. 

I am not sure why they look so surprised.

E is reading a book by a local author who sets the plot in real locations around Minneapolis. One of the places that a lot of action takes place is Quang Vietnamese Restaurant. There was a lot of talk about Strawberry Bubble Tea. It's funny because not too long ago I was reading a blog post about bubble tea (I can't find the post - tell me if you wrote it) and was able to explain that the bubbles were tapioca - by the way, that is some good stuff! I basically had three dinners because E and especially F didn't eat all their soup, so I had to help out. I love Vietnamese food, but I don't have the most adventurous family so I never request it - maybe this will change their minds some. 

E and strawberry bubble tea.

So that is the poop on me lately, kind of random and only mildly interesting or entertaining. I hope this isn't an omen for the rest of summer vacation or I will surely lose my mind in the first month.

My Boy Discovers His Nuts

More accurately he discovers other boys nuts. 

Here is the scenario. Last night at soccer F is on the sideline as the other line is in. I step away from the action to talk to a buddy who is watching a different game on the field next to ours. I am not paying attention for like five minutes and I return to see F punching one of his teammates/classmates in the stomach and his coconspirator returning the favor. I immediately put a stop to this and ask F, "What are you doing?!" "We're trying to punch each other in the nutths." (He has a little lisp.) "Well, knock it off!" 

Seconds later A is at my side (she was on the other side of the field watching F and all his teammates take pot-shots at each other.) In an excited voice (read: yelling at me) she asks if I saw what was going on, F is hitting other kids, F is picking fights with kids bigger than him, etc., etc. In a calm, soothing voice (read: yelling back at her) I assure her it has all been taken care of, that the boys were just hitting each other in the nuts and it is all over now. Her response "Don't yell at ME!" Why do I always get in trouble for stuff my kids do?

After the kids are in bed I try to explain the whole situation. "Boys are dumb! They think hitting someone in the nuts is funny (there are whole TV shows based on just such a premise.) Hell, they think the word 'nuts' is almost as funny as 'poop'. Eventually every boy will actually get hit in the nuts. Hard. They will have that pain seared permanently into their avoidance system and then punching someone in the nuts will stop. As far as taking shots at a bigger kid - hey, F thinks he is on the same level as everyone else. I don't want to really change that perception as he is kind of fearless that way. Eventually he will mess with the wrong bigger kid and they will put him in his place or he will have to defend himself. Either way he'll learn and be fine. Bottom line - Boys are dumb!"

I don't know if I was particularly reassuring, but we at least got off the subject.

Then, to further emphasize my point I showed her this:

Worse Than Waiting for Christmas

I have been catching up on some race reports and now I am buzzing with excitement. My legs are coming around from the marathon on Sunday. No more stiff quads and lurching down stairs. Now I have to tell myself to relax a little longer. I won't be back in the pool again until next week when we start LCM outside. I absolutely will not allow myself to run until next Tuesday. So I have been spending time on the bike - mostly running the kids to and from school, but that is way more than I did last year. 

My first tri is 17 days from today. It's a quick sprint race to get the season off to a fast start. I have a little list of to-dos between now and then.

• Get in some open water swims - preferred but not necessary.
  
• Hit Masters twice a week - pretty much required at this point.
  
• Practice a flying bike mount - because it's cool looking and will make a huge difference.
  
• Get a few bricks in - gotta start 'em sometime, right?
  
• Train to swim fast, bike fast and run fast - like real fast!
• Figure out race attire - hey, a guys got to look good, too. (I will not be wearing the new shirt - that comes later.)

I can not wait to get racing again, but I must wait, I must.

Back in the Saddle, Again

Got on the bike this morning with MS. LF wanted to go for a short run. We laughed at her. My legs thanked me for biking instead of running. I was going to swim this week as well, but the usual pool is closed and the alternate pool is a little too much of a drive (more than 10 minutes) and the outdoor pool doesn't open until next Monday. So this week is biking and recovering and that is it. Feels good to be back on the bike. This might be a really good tri season. Let's think positive.

And That, Is That

(Settle in - this is a long one.)

What else can I say? The inaugural Minneapolis Marathon is complete. Everything did not go according to plan. MS and LF did not get their Boston qualifying time, but it was not for lack of a valiant effort. I did my job, but it was just not in the cards on Sunday. 

The day was beautiful, clear skies and about 55 degrees at the start, about 77 and sunny at the finish. We got to the start in time to use the biff and mill around a little bit. We ran into a bunch of friends, some we knew would be running and others who were a surprise. Everyone seemed to be feeling good - I know I was. (LF had a 99 degree temp the night before, but was feeling better when she woke up.)

What can you say about a marathon? If you have done one (or even half of one) you know there is a lot of running. If you haven't done one - there is a lot of running. I will try to make this interesting by embellishing mildly interesting events, exaggerating other events and flat out lying when I need to fill space. The night before I reviewed my notes to myself from my successful Twin Cities Marathon. Drink a liter and half of Accelerade orange with caffeine - check. Clif Builder Bar (substituted a large bowl of oatmeal instead - I had started doing this weeks before) - check. Pee early in the race - check - that was mildly humorous.

The course is kind of quirky (read: fucked up) but it worked to my advantage. About two miles in we pass a long line of port-a-potties (I didn't have to pee then) then we make a loop and pass them again at about mile five. We have to cross the historic Stone Arch Bridge over the Mississippi coming up to mile five and I told "the ladies" I had to pee and would book it over the bridge, pee, and then meet them at the port-a-potties. So there I am running too fast, too early in the race (from other people's perspectives, not mine really) so I could pee. I find an open door, step in and am doing my business when I hear, "Todd Olson (that is my name) we are running by the port-a-potties!" I reply, "I hear ya!" Then I hear from next door, "You better pee fast!" To which I reply, "Don't talk, you're making it crawl back up!" Followed by peels of laughter. I finish up, tuck back in (too much detail, but worth it, hold on) grab a quick squirt of sanitizer and step out the door. Wait a minute. Something doesn't feel quite right. Uh, yeah - mis-tucked. My junk is hanging out the leg of my short liner (not out in the open, thank god.) So, now I am running and trying to stuff my stuff back in its home as demurely as possible. I was laughing at myself as I was catching up to "the ladies." (I don't know why I keep putting that in quotes, but it seems to work.) By the time everything was said and done, I was only about 100 yards behind. Catching up was no work. Getting myself dressed apparently was.

The marathon and half marathon start from the same starting line and run the same course until the half makes a turn around and the marathon continues on. It was fun to see the lead half-marathoners come tearing by. That first gal was "fit"! After the turn it was considerably less crowded. We clipped along right on or slightly under pace. It seemed everyone was feeling good. I was being honest about the pace and keeping everyone informed. 

We're tooling along this little parkway, enjoying the cool, sunny weather and the shade of the oak trees when just ahead of us we hear a rustle up in the branches. Then "WHUMP!" All of a sudden a squirrel falls about 12 feet out of a tree and lands right next to LF. We jump and look over and the damn thing gets up and runs off. Weird. We continued to run.

About 12 miles in we run into Fort Snelling State Park. We had our families positioned at this point because we make a loop through the park and double back. Seeing the families was great. They were really excited. We got into the park and started having difficulties. 

Fairly soon after getting into the park, we have to go down an incredibly steep hill. We had run it a couple of times so knew what to expect. The agreement was to get down the hill safely and then regroup. We seemed to have a difficult time regrouping and getting back on pace after that. Shortly after the hill we were running on dirt path for about a mile and a half. (See, steep downhill to dirt path = fucked up course.) At this point we started losing seconds, rather consistently. The course out of the park takes us on a straight, paved trail that has an incline for about a mile and a half. I was holding the pace - that was my job, but "the ladies" were falling further back. I was having an internal battle with myself - do I hold the pace and lose touch with them but come in on the time we wanted or do I drop back and try to encourage, cajole or berate them into picking it up to get back on pace? I got the crowd involved (we had our names on our shirts) and had some spectators tell them to pick it up. I kept getting further and further ahead. Things were not going right and there was not a lot I could do. We came out of the park and saw our families again.

At this point I stopped. I talked to my family and my mom and sister while I waited for them to catch up. I felt like I couldn't give up on the goal and I needed to try to stay with "the ladies" and be encouraging. (Needless to say, I am not encouraging.) We were losing huge chunks of time and walking through water stops. I was getting frustrated. I know we trained right and I know everyone was fit enough to hold the pace. I was frustrated by all the stuff I didn't know and couldn't control. I WAS NOT frustrated with MS or LF - they were working HARD. 

Mile 20 came and went. I knew we were too far off pace to make the BQ. I didn't want to pull the plug though. Mile 21 came and I could see the 3:50 pacer coming up behind us. Mile 22 and the 3:50 pacer had passed us. Insert fork - it was done. LF called it. We agreed that I could be cut loose and LF and MS would run it in on their own.

I picked up the pace. I was frustrated, disappointed and a little sad, but I thought I would make a dash for it. "It" being something close to 3:45. Four miles. I passed the 3:50 pacer shortly after leaving "the ladies." I was doing pretty well, holding a quick pace and a nice quick turnover, but then the hills arrived. We had run down these hills at the beginning of the race and had run training runs on them, but they really started to take their toll. I think the hills combined with my flagging enthusiasm due to missing our goal took my heart out of it. I walked through the last few water stops and just put it on cruise control. The 3:50 pacer passed me again. This time I didn't really care. I worked the hills as best I could on tired legs and low motivation and trotted into the finish. 3:52 and change. Nothing at all to be disappointed in, but I was a little. 

I was fricking tired. My legs were dead. I grabbed a bottle of water found some shade on the grass and laid down. It felt SOOOOOO good. I snagged my family as they were walking by. I heard LF come in about six minutes after me and MS another two after her. All under 4:00. All improvements from last spring's marathon. 

My brain is really a messy place. Trust me, you never want to visit there, but I will give you a little peek behind the steel blast doors. The self-centered, selfish, overly competitive part of my brain was pissed. It was telling me that I could have easily been under the time we were shooting for. But the real me intervened. I did not run this race entirely for me. I ran it for "the ladies." I did what I could and I did a good job. And so did they. Lying in the grass I realized that I love to run marathons. I was buzzing from the endorphins even as my quads were stiffening up. I was still buzzing this afternoon even as I was hobbling down the stairs. I am so glad I ran this one with LF and MS. I would be more than willing to take another shot at a BQ anytime they feel like they want to. Maybe not this course -- you let me know.

MS summed it up best on her blog, "Marathons are funny. Marathons are hard." I couldn't agree more.

A big thanks to everyone who came out to watch and cheer us on. Especially my wife and kids - who still really have no idea why I like to do this crazy shit - and my mom and sister. Thanks to everyone in the blogosphere, as well. It's fun to have people I have never met face to face pulling for me - it's fun to pull for those people, too. Let my tri season begin!

Other Crap

For the record: this has nothing to do with the stuff I couldn't remember last night, but I thought I would classify it under "other crap" for continuity sake and because it really is just a bunch of random stuff.

We picked up our race packets earlier today. A couple of people (the other two people I am running with) were a bit disappointed in the expo and didn't really get that "pump" for the race that they were hoping for. I set my expectations waaaay lower figuring it was the first year of the race and having already experienced the somewhat ham-fisted way the course was set up. I sent an email to the race director to get confirmation that the course was USAT certified and I have not heard back from him. We asked around the expo and no one could give us a definitive answer - another example of first year inefficiency. (This thing had better be certified because when we qualify it better count, damn it.) Oh, I don't know what kind of tracking they will have available, but our numbers are 355, 359 and 360 - like the circle. (Me, LF and MS, respectively, not "respectfully" like I posted originally - I'm dumb.) The magic number is 3:45.

In other news: my mom is in town to shop before a trip to Europe and to watch the marathon and the kiddos when A and I go to a little private concert on Saturday night. I will be making it a very early night on Saturday and A has already secured a ride home with a neighbor. So, this concert is by a guy named Martin Zeller and his band The Hardways. Martin Zeller is formerly the lead singer for a band called the Gear Daddies. They put out a few albums in the late 80's and early 90's before they broke up. The music is really fun and a lot of Minnesota grew up on this music in college. You can find their stuff on iTunes. (Two favorites - Color of Her Eyes and Time Heals. Unfortunately the best song is not listed - I Wanna Drive the Zamboni.) Now, for some completely tangential Minnesota music information.

As I was checking to see if the Gear Daddies were on iTunes I came across an iTunes Essentials mix entitled "Minneapolis" - there was an "explicit" tag so I had to open it. As expected I saw Prince, The Suburbs, The Replacements, Lipps, Inc. (Yes, Funkytown is a product of Minnesota) I looked at the "Next Steps" tab and scrolled down. At the bottom is a band called Trip Shakespeare. These guys played at a couple of dances at my high school and at the time they were kind of a big deal (not Prince big, but big in the local scene.) This band was fronted by Dan Wilson of Semisonic "Closing Time" fame. The song on the iTunes Essentials list is called "Toolmaster of Brainerd." Brainerd is where I grew up and went to high school and I was the biggest tool there at the time (you know, a "tool master") so that song is essentially about me. I had no idea I had such an impact on the Minnesota music scene. (You do realize that me having any influence on anything is a total fantasy - just wanted to be clear.)

In a little while here we will be heading back to Burger Jones for dinner with my mom and sis. A is at her parents helping get them settled after her mom had her hip replaced. (See, totally random stuff.) She'll be home later, but will miss dinner with us. I will try to go light tonight and get a good balance of carbs and protein. A burger should be pretty well balanced, right?

A late addition - here is the link to the Minneapolis Marathon. Like I said before, I don't know what kind of tracking they will have, but if I am still cooking out on that course at noon we will have missed our target, by A LOT. The race starts at 7:00 AM CST.

Single Speed Obsession, Boston Qualifying and Some Other Crap

I am obsessed with getting a single speed bike. Since I saw Charisa's super fly new ride and I checked out some blogs, manufacturer's sites and did some other reading I am totally coveting two wheels and one gear. I am not sure I can say I want to go all the way to fixed-gear (I do have a family and live in a state with stupid drivers when bikes are involved) but, I like the idea of a bike that is super simple that I can hop on and ride and fully take care of myself. I have kind of settled on the same manufacturer as Charisa because for a very reasonable price you can get a custom colored ride. I just have to cobble together some funds, maybe it will be a single-speed fall.

It is a HUGE race weekend this weekend. Let's see, there is: Ironman 70.3 Hawaii, Ironman Brazil, Rock & Roll Marathon San Diego, the inaugural Minneapolis Marathon and some others I am sure I am forgetting or unaware of. I know a few people racing in Hawaii so that will be fun to track. I know no one racing in Brazil but it will still be interesting to read about. I know one person running the marathon in San Diego (as a training run - I am so sure) and then there is the Minneapolis Marathon. I know a handful of people running this race and although I wish them all well, I am only concerned with three people - MS, LF and me. In case you weren't aware of it, MS and LF are turning 40 next year and they have decided that they want to run the Boston Marathon as part of their celebration. This is going to be the qualifying race. Why am I involved? Because I volunteered to be the pacer. 

Now, I am fully confident that we will run under the qualifying time. The three of us have trained together for the full cycle and we have been running faster and more consistent than we did last year. There have been some mental setbacks, but I think we have our heads on straight (especially MS) and we will be in good shape. The weather is supposed to be good - perhaps a bit warm, but at least not raining - so the dirt trail portion should be in good shape. (Yeah, dirt trail. Not the ideal course, but we are familiar with it.) I am super excited and relaxed because: I know what I need to do, I ran a faster marathon last fall, I have run a considerably faster half marathon recently and I know what to do regarding pacing and running in the heat (after screwing up my first marathon a year ago.) All the training is done. On Sunday it will be full-on. (When we qualify those ladies for Boston there will be more pressure on me, because then I will want to qualify and that qualifying race will be Twin Cities Marathon in the fall, but hey, one race at a time.)

When I started writing this there was some "other crap", but now I can't remember what it was. When I think of it, I will add a separate post.

To Swim or Not To Swim

I feel like I should post something just so people are not greeted with "Mr. Walrus Dick" when they come to visit. 

We had a busy weekend. Ran ten relatively easy miles Saturday morning for our last longer run before the marathon this coming Sunday. The weather was beautiful so we did a lot of stuff outside. The kids had swimming lessons - which are going very well. We were having people over for dinner the rest of the weekend so we decided to go out to eat. There is this new restaurant called Burger Jones that just opened. This place is good. They have gourmet hamburgers - here's the website - I had the black and blue burger which had just the right amount of black pepper and just the right amount of blue cheese. 

Sunday night we had A's parents, my sister and her family and another family that are mutual friends of my sister and mine over for dinner (confused? Too bad.) I grilled up bacon wrapped steaks from Costco. Highly recommended! The kids had hot dogs, because that is what kids eat. We are a walking cliche. 

Monday we had more people over. Four families from the kid's school came over for burgers, hot dogs, brats, kilbasa on the grill. We were just going to have burgers and hot dogs, but I kept finding things in the refrigerator that needed to be grilled. A made this awesome bean salad. She just made enough to feed a small army. It will be good this week as I get ready for the race. 

Why polska kilbasa, you ask? When we were at Costco F was hitting all the samples and he came across the kilbasa samples. After some encouragement from me, he took one and tried it.

Me: "F, how is it?"

F (excitedly): "THIS IS THE BEST SAUSAGE I HAVE EVER HAD!!!!"

He went back for three more samples and when E came up he took her over so she could try it and he took two more. 

This morning we ran four miles. I wasn't planning on doing anything but running this week, but now I am tempted to swim tomorrow. So, should I? I don't think I will, but I am tempted. 

All right, this was the all time lamest post ever. But now my mom doesn't have to see walrus "parts." I will try to do better next time. Maybe I will include pictures. Sorry, that's about five minutes that I now owe all of you. Please come back again, I promise it won't always be this b-o-r-i-n-g. 

Still Crying

I am still crying about this website. Thanks Mrs. Bickerson!

A Special Hug

It has been hot here in Minnesota. Unseasonably hot. Firing pots hot. Smelting iron hot. Two days ago we topped out at 97 degrees. Yesterday we topped out at 93. Both were record highs. Three days ago it was 81. A week ago it was 62. Right now it's 64. Most of the time I hate the heat. Especially when it comes on suddenly. This time though I decided to take advantage of the heat. Embrace the heat. 

That embrace became one of those hugs that linger just a beat too long and make both parties feel uncomfortable and awkward. 

Tuesday, (three days ago) we did our usual run. We are in taper so it was short with some sprints at the end. We went around Lake Harriet two times and it took until the second time for us to get some zip back in our legs from the previous week's long run. For me the sprints felt amazing and fast. It was humid and the sweat was a flyin'. That night my lower legs were killing me. Ugh. I hate that feeling. 

Yesterday was a double. I swam with Masters early in the morning and then went on a bike ride with MS and CS. The swimming helped my legs feel much better. It was another hard workout - IM day with 200, 300 and 400 IMs. I felt good throughout and made the intervals, but could tell I was tired. I got home, got the kids on the bus, ate too little and drank too little, took the dog to school, came back home, loaded the bike in the car and drove to MS's house.

Along with the heat we have had crazy wind both Tuesday and Wednesday. Like steady 15 miles an hour with 30 - 40 mile an hour gusts. Needless to say this made the ride rather challenging as we were riding at odd angles battling the cross-winds. But it went well. 24 miles at an easy pace. We were really just spinning to get the legs loosened up and spend some time in the saddle. Nothing really hard with the marathon coming up in a week and a half. After the ride I hopped in my car, drove home, took a shower, drank too little and ate too little, ran some errands and then went to get the dog from school. Got home, had dinner, then it was off to soccer for F. I was exhausted. Stood around at soccer talking to parents and cheering on F and then home to watch the end of American Idol and then to bed later than I wanted. All along I have a light sweat going because it is so damn hot and I tend to be a sweater - but I hide it well. (Or maybe I don't - someone please tell me if I am becoming "The Sweaty Guy." OK - thanks.)

I slept OK but was still hot so I imagine I sweated during the night. (Not like night sweats, don't worry.) ("GOD, WILL YOU MAKE A POINT!" I am sure you are screaming right now.)

Today was another easy six mile run. It was humid and a little rainy, but nothing to write home about. I was kind of tired, but got up as usual, drank a large glass of Accelerade and ate half a Clif Builder bar as usual and went off to run. 

About a mile into the run I was experiencing weird things with my vision. I have had migraines and it was not at all like that. I was hot and sweating because it was still pretty humid. There is a water fountain ("bubbler" for anyone in Wisconsin) at mile two so we stopped. Sometimes a stop is all I need to reset the engine timing so I thought this would help. We started running again and I was not feeling right at all. Spacey, still had the weird vision thing, hot, HR too high, working too hard for the easy pace, legs were kind of crampy and felt like jelly. I called it off. We turned around and started walking back - stopped at the water fountain again and eventually started running very easy just to get back quicker. 

I think I was running totally dehydrated with whacked out electrolytes. I don't know if I have ever felt that before. It was a little freaky. The rest of the day I am taking it relatively easy. Certainly no workouts today or tomorrow and pumping the fluids and NUUN. Luckily it's cooler today and more seasonal. Next time I will embrace the heat a little more gingerly and not throw my arms around it and grab it's ass like I did this past week. Better to have this happen in training than on race day, right?

UPDATE - Lost the unsightly tuft of man-fur today. Waxed. The experience makes the scene in "40 Year Old Virgin" all the more funny. I only had a small area deforested but it FRICKING HURTS. I didn't cry or squeal, but I had to grit my teeth and flinched with every pull. I am glad I don't have to have large swaths taken care of. (And "No" I am not going to provide pictures. Some of you people are freaks!)

All Right You Maniacs!

Almost immediately after uploading my last post I was implored (berated?) to post pictures. Pictures are great, but they have their time and place. Me trying on a new shirt, not the time. In the bathroom, not the place. The "time" - you know "shirt-trying-on-time" - is usually less than interesting and the "place" - well bringing a camera in the bathroom is just plain weird and if it's a public bathroom you could get yourself thrown in the slammer for a night or two. (Um, or so I have heard.) 

That being said. I ventured back into my bathroom with my camera to reenact the "Donning of the Too Tight Tri-shirt" for my adoring fans. (I will also do anything on a dare or for one dollar.)

The pictures on my previous post - the one immediately below this one - are reenactment photos, but I gotta tell ya - it was a pretty faithful reenactment. That thing is still damn hard to get on and off. But now you can all see how slimming it is and how goood it makes me look. (You also get to see how hairy I am and my man nipples. And a little bit of my bathroom. Lucky.)

Oh, yeah the tuft of chest hair - it comes off Thursday - already made the appointment with the esthetist. (No! I am not getting my chest completely waxed just along the collar bone so I look less like a neanderthal. How is that for too much info?)

I Dressed Myself

Even though my first tri is over a month away, I continue to obsess about gear and fantasize about going fast. After taking inventory of my various clothing options I decided I needed a new race top. I had considered a full suit, but I like my Pearl Izumi tri-shorts and I have heard it's much easier to pee when you are wearing a top and shorts. (In a past life as a terrible inline racer I had a couple of full suits and they always reeked - don't need to go back there - "there" being inline skating and a stinky full suit.)

After much shopping and consideration of features and benefits (ie - good color) I settled on the 2XU Comp Tri Singlet in Dark Red. I tend to pick red as it is a little easier for my family to pick me out of a crowd of white, black and blue. Oh, and it makes me look super hot. (It actually doesn't make any difference, I am just delusional.) Now to determine size. Ideally, I would probably wear a large, but the large race shirts I have had in the past are too baggy by the end of the race and bunch under my wetsuit and if I decide I don't want to use my wetsuit I couldn't swim in them. I went out to Gear West to try on the large and medium because they are the only place in Minneapolis that I know of that carries 2XU. (No - they didn't have it in red, I looked. Blue and white.) The large fit comfortably but I was still concerned it would "bag out" after awhile. I tried on the medium. 

Now, when I say, "I tried on the medium" I really mean I struggled into a sausage casing. However, once I got it on, it was comfortable and nothing oozed out embarrassingly and I could zip it. (The magic of lycra.) Medium it is.

This was weeks ago and I finally got around to pulling the trigger on buying this thing. This stuff is not cheap, as I am sure everyone is aware. You don't want to make a mistake and be stuck with something you will never wear again after you wear it once and decide you hate it. (And when I say "you" I really mean "I" or "me", but I digress.)

Hold on, I know you are all thinking (as I am) who fricking cares about you buying a race top. BFD! Trust me, it gets slightly more amusing from here. (The anticipation is palpable, isn' it?)

I ordered a 2XU Comp Tri Singlet Dark Red size medium from Triathlete Sports on the interweb. (That is not an endorsement of Triathlete Sports as it is the only thing I have ordered from them and it went off without a hitch - so maybe it is an endorsement.) It came yesterday in the mail and being the complete dork I have always been, I had to try it on right away.

I snuck my package up to the bathroom (This post is for about my tri-top, right? Not my submission to Penthouse Forum - would not want to get those two confused - my mother reads this blog. BTW - I have never sent anything into any porno mags, don't read any porno mags, don't even know where they are sold. Is my defensiveness making me sound guilty? Whoa, off on another tangent.)

So, up in the bathroom. I pull out my small red scrap of fabric and start to second guess my decision. That thing looks small. 

This is a picture of the new top lying on top of a size large t-shirt that I ran in this morning. And it's not a generous large either.

I unzip the front and proceed to squirm my way into the arm holes and through the neck hole. Things quickly went awry. As I am getting the shirt over my head and shoulders it starts to roll and is now a stretchy, tightly rolled rope cinched around my upper chest. (In case you are not aware, I have a massive chest. I am sorry, that was a lie.) So now I can't get my arms down to pull the front of the shirt down and I can't get my arms back to pull the shirt back over my head and off. I am stuck!

How the hell am I going to get in, or out, of this? 

I look at myself in the mirror. Shake my head and laugh a little as I realize I am getting tunnel vision from the lack of blood circulation. I have to get this thing on or off! And there is no way in hell I can call my wife! First of all, embarrassing and second of all, she wants little to nothing to do with my fitness obsession or any of the trappings that go along with it. After some struggling to get my arms down I am able to grip the rolled shirt enough to stretch it past my chest. (I think the sweat I was working up might have helped as well.) Now I have another "issue" - chest hair. I am not an overly hairy guy but I do have chest hair. (Yes, manscaping is probably in order.) Well, my chest hair is now getting wound up in the rolled up fabric and being slowly and torturously ripped out. The faster I get this thing on the better. 

I think I ripped off a nipple along with some hair. Oooh, that stings like the dickens.

I manned up and pulled the fricking thing down. Whew! Done. 

I look at myself in the mirror. I zip up the rather over stressed zipper and proceed to rip out more chest hair.

 

Over stressed zipper. And a frighteningly hairy chest. (Sorry to all the children and adults and small animals who just ran screaming from the room. It doesn't bite. Trust me.)

"Hey," I think to myself, "this is comfortable and very slimming. I just really need to do something about the tuft of chest hair sticking out at the top of the zipper. Ugh."

 

Nice tuft of hair. Ever heard of waxing? Jeeze!

I did a couple of pirouettes in the mirror. Looking over the right shoulder, then the left shoulder - good, no back fat oozing out, just lean rippling muscle under the palest skin in Minnesota. (There wasn't really any lean rippling muscle, another lie, sorry.)

Hey, hey good rookin'! Slimming. Good color.

Alright, that is enough alone time in the bathroom. Luckily, my wife is no longer phased by my excessively long stints in the bathroom. (It takes a lot of time and effort to look this good.) So, I unzipped ("Ouch, hair") and reached down to pull the shirt over my head in one swift pull. Good theory, very poor execution. 

The back of the shirt rolled up on me again and is now resting across my shoulders while the bottom front of the shirt is wedged securely under my pecs and ripping out still more hair. I reach back over my head to grab the lycra rope that the shirt has become yet again and it is so tight I can not pull it over my head. I am afraid I am going to pull a muscle in my shoulder trying to get this damn shirt off. I work more on the front and am able to wriggle it up without rolling and that relieves some of the pressure off my shoulders. I wrestle the front up as high as I can on my chest and then I am able to reach back over my head and wrench the damn thing down in front of me and off. 

About to black out, again, due to strangulation by too-tight shirt.

All told - a 25 minute ordeal. 

Now I am exhausted, sore, sweaty, alone in the bathroom, breathing heavy and top-less. Thank god no one walked in. 

The verdict? It looked so good on - I'm gonna keep it. Now, off to yoga so I can get the damn thing on and off without passing out or injuring myself.