OK! Now, I really AM Angry!

(That title was again for Kiet, but I actually mean it this time.)

I swear this time I have a legitimate reason to be angry. Look at my house!

What the FUCK!? Where did this come from!?


















It came from this son of a bitch! We can hear him pecking and it's driving us insane. (Some of us literally insane as my wife repeatedly answers the door thinking someone is knocking and then she blames it on some kids playing "Ding Dong Ditch" but replacing "Ding Dong" with "Knock Knock" even though it doesn't have nearly the same alliteration. The dog is not fooled and makes no move when he hears the pecking - "Stoopid humans.")

He has his fricking head in my house!

Here's the damage he caused in about 20 minutes of pecking.

(OK, truth be told we have tremendous dry-rot in those locations of our trim and it really needs to be replaced, but does nature have to rub salt in our wounds by making our place look so painfully ghetto that our neighbors are giving us dirty looks? Apparently so.)

I swear I can hear him as I write this.

Up Yours, Customer - The Flip Side

Something very important that I forgot to include in my previous post/rant is that the incidents that I describe are not unique to me. Unsolicited, people shared their negative experiences with these businesses. Lots of people having similar experiences with the same companies, stores, people says to me there is an issue.

Now, I must say that through this whole thing I have run into some incredible examples of superior customer service. I have to say that the small local bike shop near me is really great. They are friendly and they really try hard. There service is great, but the work lacks sometimes so they are not my 100% go to guys, but I know if I'm in a pinch, they will take care of me.

While trying to find a bike I was impressed by people who I talked to and their willingness to help me out. One company in particular, not a bike company, bent over backward to make contact with my bike company's local rep. The pro they sponsor is a fantastic person and I know now why they are partners. Another pro contacted his bike sponsor and again, bent over backward to find me a bike - and this guy was trying to make some money at the race. His bike sponsor was super cool and had me covered if I didn't have a ride when I got to Madison. Again, this guy is a great guy and the company he keeps is a reflection of that.

Now that I am trying to navigate this mess many companies and stores have come to the front to help me get the satisfaction I can't seem to get locally. They all fully realize that I might not buy from them, but it's the effort that counts and the willingness to help that sets them apart and will draw me back to them if I have questions or need advice. It drives me crazy that I have to look so hard to find these people.

Then, just recently I needed to get a technical jacket altered and I dropped an open email to one of our local outdoor retailers on their website. In no time I got a response. They couldn't help me but they gave me the name of a place that could. They gave me a contact name and forwarded my email to them. Then the person who they recommended to me sent me a follow up email. That's the shit I'm talking about. Why is that so hard? And these stores are big, established and busy - they're not "hungry" start-ups.

Thanks for listening. Look for more insulting, foul-mouthed, posts about Ironman Wisconsin in the next few days.

Up Yours, Customer!

I debated writing this post. First, it's a rant. Second, if I'm not careful I might not ever be able to buy anything in this country again. I finally decided it must be written, because I can't stand it any longer.

What the hell has happened to customer service? Anyone who sells anything, do you realize that the people who buy stuff from you are your "customers?" Do you realize that there are a limited number of said customers? Do you realize that your customers have an almost infinite number of sources to buy the exact same products that you sell and a lot of times can find them cheaper? Do you realize that your customers have voices and they talk to their friends and acquaintances, Facebook friends and Twitter followers around the world and have blogs? If you realize all these things, then why are you and/or your employees such complete douchebags to your customers? One incidence of bad customer service can quite literally circle the globe in hours. So where is all this stemming from. It's from a series of bad customer service experiences over the last few months. And now I've just had it.

Months ago I had purchased a new bike from an online retailer. This retailer indicated my bike would be ready by a certain date. As the date drew closer I contacted them to see what the status of my bike was (hey, I was excited.) Well, they informed me, the manufacturer was having a hard time getting the particular frame in my size so there would be a delay. Why did I have to call you, retailer? When you knew there was going to be a delay you should have contacted me immediately. I am spending thousands of dollars with you and more then likely it wouldn't be the last thousand dollars I'd spend if you took care of me. I check in again as the new date grew near because I now don't trust the retailer (and I was still excited.) Again, there will be a delay of a few more days. Really!? I have a race out of state to which I will have to ship my bike. I need it ASAP. Again, why didn't you contact me right away when you knew there would be further delay? Was I foolish to buy my bike from an out-of-state online retailer? Some might think so, but I do it all the time with Amazon and other online retailers and it never seems to be an issue.

I get my bike. Now, I need to have it fit. I contact a local bike shop with a reputation for well qualified fitters. I make an appointment and show up on the day and time. I wheel my bike in - a brand they don't carry - past 4 employees not helping anyone. I lean my bike against the wall near the fitting area and wait for at least ten minutes. Someone finally comes over to ask if I need any help. Dude! I am standing here near the fitting area with a bike you don't carry and my shoes and shorts in my hand. "I have an appointment for a fitting," "Oh, let me see if I can find someone." Really!? I made a god-damned appointment! Your fitter should be waiting here for me - not vice versa.

My fit goes along fine. I get to watch myself on a video monitor from the front and side. The fitter makes all sorts of adjustments and seems to eyeball everything. No measurements, no double checking just to be sure. I have to admit that the fit was good. I understand too that after you do enough fits, you would know what looks right, but it would seem to me to be a good thing just to take a couple of measurements to make the customer feel confident. That isn't the major issue, now I'm just picking nits, because the fact I was ignored bugged me so much. After the fitting the guy puts my bike on the rack up front and double checks the brakes, makes some adjustments, tweaks the derailleurs a touch and sends me on my way. Once again, it's true I'm not spending a ton of money in your store right now and that I didn't buy my bike from you, but I did come to you to be fit when I could go to lots of other places. With a good experience I would more than likely be coming back to spend lots of money - now I begrudgingly spend money in your store because you are the only local dealer of items that I need.

I take my newly fit bike for a 40 mile ride the next day, but I am having some brake rubbing and other little niggling issues, so I take it to the small local bike shop about a mile from my house. I figured I'd give these guys a chance and how much can go wrong with a quick brake adjustment. I leave it over night and tell them that it's a new bike, give it the once over. I get a call later in evening saying everything is fine, but that the "once over" will be a little more expensive because as they were trying to adjust the brakes they realized the wheels were so out of true they had to take care of them first. They were just going to charge me for a drivetrain clean and not the wheel truing but they just didn't want me to be surprised. (The cost difference from what I requested and what they were going to charge me for was, like, $10 or $15. Hardly a deal breaker.) So now I'm totally bugged! The "Best Bike Store" in town didn't catch this issue and I gave them the same info and spent more money with them (not that the amount spent should make ANY difference.) My very small local bike shop did a way better job than "the best."

So months of training on my bike and my big race is right around the corner. I take my bike to another big bike shop primarily because they are the authorized dealer of my bike. They do a good job of checking me in, asking what I need done, do a quick pull of the brakes and shift through the derailleurs and double check my chain with the chain gauge. As I suspected, and forgot to tell them, I need a new chain. So we're starting off pretty good. I explain my situation with my race coming up and ask about quick turnaround and they put me in the queue with everyone else. Now, I'm not faulting them for this. It's not their responsibility to adjust the expectations of their other customers for my lack of planning. It never hurts to ask and I can take no for an answer.

The next day I get a call. There is a crack in my frame. It really shouldn't be ridden. I won't rehash the details of finding a new bike - that story's been told ad nauseum. They immediately made some calls to the bike manufacturer to investigate what could be done when I got back from the race. I received a call from the bike shop asking questions about whether I had shipped my bike anywhere and I knew where they were going. Did I pack it with a "spreader bar" (my words) in the rear triangle? I considered lying, but I had to be honest - "nope." Ah, well since you didn't do that, the manufacturer won't warranty the frame. "It was in a hard case." "They still won't warranty it because the damage probably happened in travel."

I contacted the local rep for this company with my story - freely admitting my rookie mistake and asking if there was anything they could do to help me get a new frame. Over a week later, I still haven't gotten a response. I contacted the bike shop to see if they could offer any suggestions. "We're having a big sale. Can I have our warranty guy get back to you after the sale?" Luckily, I'm not in a hurry, but really!? You're sale doesn't mean shit to me and apparently I don't mean shit to you. I take it upon myself to contact the manufacturer on their "customer service" line. I explain my situation and they tell me they offer a crash replacement plan for that particular frame - 25% off retail - $2,100. At that price I could buy a new frame from somewhere else. Why wouldn't you give me a deal that couldn't be beat to keep me on your product?

As you know, I decided to shop around for a frame from a different manufacturer. I like my bike a lot, but I certainly haven't built any loyalty for this company. And believe me, I am a VERY loyal consumer if you fulfill your end of the bargain.

Soon after I solicited suggestions on Facebook and Twitter I got a message from a Facebook friend in Canada whom I've never met. He had some questions for me. I called him and he explained his experience with bikes and broken frames and manufacturers and warranties. Apparently this guy has dished out more abuse on more bikes than you can imagine. He asked me to send a picture of where the crack was.

This guy was surprised that they thought the crack was due to shipping. In his experience, shipping damage of the kind they were indicating, usually appears on the outside of the seat stay, not on the inside. (Makes sense - basic physics of tension and compression.) He also asked if they were SURE it wasn't just a crack in the clear coat or paint. Is anyone sure it is a crack in the actual carbon fiber? It didn't look like a gaping crack to him, but he was only looking at a low quality picture. He was really surprised at the crash replacement policy. He has had several crash replacement claims (apparently he and his wife have a hard time remembering they have a roof rack) but never with this company. In his experiences the variety of manufactures provide a crash replacements at damn near cost. The only better deal is the employee discount. His final suggestion was to look into getting it repaired. He had worked several times with a place in California that specializes in repairing carbon fiber, including bikes. They have worked miracles for him and he figured that the damage he was seeing would be a pretty easy, straight forward fix for these guys.

This conversation was really the impetus for this post/rant. The fact that I was given few to no options, a less than loyalty inducing crash replacement "deal" and just short-shrift all around really incensed me. Triathlon is a growing sport. The demographics have shown that the participants in this sport earn high salaries and, frankly, spend a shit-load of money. Every. Fucking. Year! Not just once and done.

Although I now have some options to pursue outside of buying a new frame I am still seriously considering buying a new frame just to get away from the douchebag manufacturer. The question that always has to be asked, is the time and hassle worth the money? I don't know. If I decide to get a new frame I'll do a little more research on the company and it's policies. But that pisses me off as well. Why should I have to do that?

The whole experience with the various bike shops - their arrogance, indifference, unwillingness to help, lack of employee autonomy to satisfy a customer - along with the treatment by the manufacturer - "that's our policy" - makes me want to start my own triathlon shop. A shop where the customer service experience is second to none. Whether you bought your bike in the shop or not. Whether you are a novice triathlete or a pro. Whether you bought a new tube or a $20,000 custom rig. Whether you're asking "stupid" questions or have have "highly technical" inquiries. Someplace willing to go the extra mile, with manufacturers that care about their customers. Why does that have to be such a dream? Maybe it needs to become a reality.

A Tired Subject

I have been debating about writing this post for some time. To me the subject seems kind of tired, but as I don't have anything else I thought I would just go for it.

"Health Clubs"

I have developed a love/hate relationship with "health clubs." Part of this is news (the 'love' part) and part of this is nothing new to anyone who has read my blog for awhile (that would be the 'hate' part.)

(Tangential thought alert! Every time I write a post critical of my favorite targets - airlines and "health clubs" - or any other thing that irritates me, I think about all the jobs I can't apply for. Oh, well - it's more important to be entertaining than employed, right?)

So this "love" part is new. I only "love" the club because it has given me the opportunity to rehab my injury without having to struggle outside in the snow, ice and muck. So other than that, it's really mostly "hate."

I have about 10,000 reasons why I hate "health clubs" but I'll whittle it down to a select few.

Locker rooms are GROSS (dudes are gross in locker rooms)

I can't count the number of old band-aids I have seen in the shower. And they are folded up so the person had to take it off, fold it and then just leave it on the shower floor. Disgusting.

Then there is the snorting, coughing, hacking, spitting and snot-rocket blowing in the shower. I guess it's fine if you have to do that, but maybe without so much gusto. Ick.

And in no particular order: dude's junk on the edge of the counter, dude's bare ass on the bench, dudes walking around bare-ass naked - just wrap a fricking towel around your waist, dude's sitting in the sauna - legs spread (with or without towel) - facing the window. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR DANGLING, HAIRY MAN-PARTS, thank you very much.

Other disgusting people

On at least three occasions now I have put my water bottle in the holder on the treadmill and then have had problems getting it out because someone left gum in there. WTF!? I check now. It always seems to be the same kind of gum. Just spit it out before you start.

"Health Club" is a fallacy

I refer to a "health club" rather than a "gym." To me, a "gym" is something at a school with basketball hoops, a cargo net and climbing ropes. And I put it in quotes because I don't really think I see a lot of "health" being gained. I have to admit that I don't know nuthin', 'bout nuthin' on this subject, but I see so few people sweating, breathing even a little heavily or doing exercises correctly that it hardly seems like a place people are getting "healthy." Even when they are working with "personal trainers" they seem to be "working" very little.

Waste of money

I find a "health club" to be a total waste of money. I do have to temper this opinion somewhat, because I have gotten a lot of use out of it these last few months, but for the most part I think a lot of money is paid for very little use. Now that it's getting nice out the last thing I will want to do is run inside so it will become even less useful.

The Cast of Characters

Then there's the cast of characters:

The chick who is there seemingly all day, everyday - halter top (open back, so no bra?) and a tennis skirt. On the elliptical, not at all working hard, typing on her laptop.

The heavy sweater who hammers on every machine he is on and sweats profusely - (that would be me.)

The muscle-meatheads who wear tight wife-beaters (matching with their friends) or muscle t-shirts with the sleeves cut wide open and then walk around all puffed up. It doesn't disguise their gut - so dude, you're not "buff" you're just "fat."

And finally, the fat complainer. I see this woman, who is working with a personal trainer, and every time the trainer has her do something even moderately strenuous she exclaims, "Oh my god, you can't be serious?" It's never fails to make me smile. In an uncomfortable way.

I guess this kind of turned into a rant. Sorry about that. I'll try to find my funny again for my next post.

Now, Back to Our Regular Programming

After taking a detour for a few posts to figure out my life for the next year I am returning to my standard format of discussing things that are really only of interest to me. Somehow I have managed to suck in some of you and you are all kind enough to feign interest and validate my existence.

Before I move completely on from "my life 2010" I ask you to go to the comments section of my previous post and read the anonymous comment "someone" left for me. "Someone" is not very good at hiding their identity and I appreciate that "somebody" took the time and effort to give me a big vote of confidence. "Someone" was under-appreciated in this respect. "Someone else" (me, for the easily confused) is a big dope.

OK - on to the other stuff.

The Holidays Can Suck My Balls




(These balls, not other balls.)

Ugh! I am so over the holidays! They really bring out the absolute worst in people - impatience, ignorance and insensitivity. Today alone I was almost run over twice in two separate parking lots as people raced to get a parking spot. Then, as I was waiting at the grocery store, I overheard a woman, after explaining that she was a ticket agent for Delta Airlines, say, "I know, I have to check in all those stressed out, terrible people." Nice attitude. Maybe if your company wasn't staffed by an inordinately high percentage of insensitive morons and led by a larger group of misfits who, when presented with a problem, can only come up with another fee to charge customers until we will have to pay for every sheet of toilet paper we use, those "terrible people" wouldn't be quite so stressed out. (But I digress.)

Earlier this week as I was again at the grocery store (I spend a lot of time at the grocery store) I see one of the "fabulous" mom's from the kids' school walking across the parking with her groceries being toted behind her by the bag boy (it's a free service to everyone - yes, it's fancy) walk right up to her gigantic EarthFucker 3000 (thanks RR) parked in -- the handicapped spot closest to the entrance. She had no sticker on her license plate and no tag on her mirror and is certainly more than capable of walking the same distance as other "folks." I just hate that.

I have had enough of shopping and I haven't even begun to wrap. Then there are all the people who are going to show up and all the activities we have to do with the kids. I was just settling into a nice routine and now it's all going to be disrupted so I can participate in some over commercialized event that is totally at odds with the true inspiration for "the season."

I just want these next couple of weeks to be over so we can do away with the completely unnecessary stress of shooting for perfection in every way. Doesn't anyone subscribe to my theory of marginal effectiveness? Here's hoping your holidays are marginal.

We Took a Trip on an Airplane

We were out of town for the weekend. A had a CE conference in Chicago so we made a family trip of it to see A's brothers and kids. It was a fun busy weekend. We went to the Shedd Aquarium - one of my favorite museums - and saw the dolphin show - not one of my favorites. Maybe one of the reasons I like the museum so much is that it brings back fond memories of getting stoned my freshman year at Loyola University and staring at all the fish - good times, dude. (Sorry mom, I did that kind of stuff back then. But just that once.)

We flew down instead of driving and I have determined that there is not one worthwhile airline in America. We used to have to fly Northworst, but they have merged with Delta creating the largest and surliest airline in the world. Recently Southwest has started to fly from Minneapolis to Chicago. This makes me happy because it means that Delta now has to match Southwest's prices meaning every flight Delta sends to Chicago is a gargantuan money loser. Unfortunately, Southwest is also guilty of poor quality (read: crab-ass) flight attendants. They just go about it less venomously.

The kids had to go to the bathroom (in case you don't have kids - when they need to go, they fricking need to go. Especially, F - "The Boy with the Mustard Seed Sized Bladder.") On two occasions we made the mistake of asking a flight attendant if F could hit the head (they had put the seat belt sign on for turbulence and then as we were getting into position to land.) Both times they said, " Let's see, is that light on? [the fasten seat belt light.] Yes. Well, then that means "no." And there was "a tone." (Like, "you fucking idiots, the fucking fasten seat belt sign is illuminated, so no you can't get out of your fucking seats so your fucking snot-nosed kid can use the one fucking bathroom on this plane. We are fucking Southwest Airlines! It's a fucking privilege to fucking fly with us. Now, stop fucking bothering me. Oh, and fuck you!)

The most ironic part of the trip was in Midway Airport. There was a toy store the kids wanted to browse around in to kill time, so while they were looking at stuffed animals and Legos, I looked at the airline branded merchandise which I find incredibly funny because who doesn't want to be reminded of the worst time you have ever had stuck in an aluminum tube getting god-only-knows-what communicable diseases and being verbally and psychologically abused by airline personnel? So Delta, in their infinite marketing wisdom, is offering the queen mother of all airline souvenirs.



My guess is that after you buy it; Delta will charge you $100 to open the package. If you buy it as you are boarding a plane, Delta will charge you for the package (it has a zipper after all, it counts as a bag) and they will charge for the bag the attendant doll is carrying. This little souvenir will probably set you back over $300 by the time Delta finishes with you.

Then, after you open the package the doll will stare at you with a contemptuous look. When the doll realizes you want to play with it, it will proceed to verbally abuse you, hassle you for even thinking of interacting with it and then proceed to completely ignore you while it instead giggles with Barbie and Skipper in the galley. Oh, and if you have TWO of these dolls, they will join forces to make your time with them a complete nightmare at the end of which you will wonder why you ever decided to pay money for this kind of abuse when for half the cost you could visit a dominatrix and get some actual pleasure from the whole encounter (or so I have heard.)

I met Tasha for coffee. The rest of the weekend was fun.

The End.

I Used to Have Something to Say

Now I am just a sullen shell of my former self. Why? You may ask. Or perhaps you don't care and you are now moving on to some other site, because the potential for this post to become:

a) weird
b) boring
c) depressing
d) self-indulgent
e) long-winded
f) rife with hyphenated words
g) any combination - including "all" - of the above

is quite real and you just don't have that kind of time to waste. Or you don't care, but think there might be something funny. Or you do care and you are my mother.

After a brief chat with Natalie, I think I may know what my problem is. Or at least the problem that is contributing to this lack of something to say. (We all know I have many "problems" and I should be specific when I blame an action on "my problem" - but I digress.)

I have PESSD. "You just made that up!," you say. And in agreement I say, "Yes. Yes, I did." To which you, in turn, reply, "Well, what the hell does it stand for?" And I reply, in kind, "It means Post Endurance Sport Stress Disorder." You cock your head slightly to the side and sensitively respond, "You are an idiot." To which I respond, equally sensitively, "Touché."

Regardless of your feelings toward my made-up malady, my personality, endurance sports or acronyms I am quite sure my feeling of ennui is directly related to the end of my racing season with my completion of the Twin Cities Marathon, at which I did not develop bloody nipples or poo my pants, and watching the Ironman World Championships in Kona, during which I did develop sympathetic bloody nipples, saddle sores and explosive diarrhea - weird. These events were big milestones - the races, not the other "events" - and now I am on the steady decline to cold, darkness and snow. Riding my bike inside, lonely weight training and Christmas shopping. Really, can anything be more depressing? ("Yes. This post.")

I am determined to get over this dip in my mood. I have considered increasing my off-season training, but that will take time to build up so I don't injure myself. I have considered the use of prescription drugs - oh come on, I am already using prescription drugs. Really, who did I think I was fooling? I have considered illegal drugs, but I like to sleep too much to do meth and I already eat too much to smoke "the chronic" (How totally "street" did I sound right there?) So, what I have decided to do to help myself (because, frankly, none of you are any help) is pick an obscure topic and rant about it. Today's topic: Lanai v. Porch

There were many references to "sitting on the lanai" by people who were racing Kona, spectating at Kona or knew people doing either of those two things. At some point D made the observation that a "lanai," which sounds so tropical and exotic is really just a deck, patio or porch in the rest of the world. Good point, D! So as to not go off "half-cocked," but to be "fully-cocked" I did a little research. (I Googled "lanai." I truly meant "little research.")

First of all, Lanai is an island. The sixth-largest of the Hawaiian islands and known for growing pineapples. A "lanai" is defined as "an Hawaiian-style covered veranda or patio oftentimes furnished and used as a living room." So let's be clear, if it doesn't have a roof, it's a deck, patio or veranda. My mother-in-law has a condo in Florida. It's your typical high-rise condo built in the late 50's or early 60's with balconies hanging off the side and yet everyone refers to their balcony as a "lanai." This is just ridiculous. It has a "roof" only because there is another "balcony" above. You can fit, like, two lawn chairs on there - far from "furnished and used like a living room," and it's in fricking Florida! It has nothing to do with Hawaii!

SO. All you people (you know who you are) who feel it necessary to throw around the word "lanai" - you are all rétards. I bet when you're at home, if you called your falling-down rotting deck a "lanai" when your neighbors were over swilling your piss-warm PBR and eating grilled salmonella burgers, they would take off their seed company trucker hats and pummel you to within an inch of your sun-burned, washboard-ab sporting, super-fit life. Even in Hawaii a deck is still a deck! So knock it off!

NOW. Before you all get uppity and do a "little more research" and point out some obscure comparison, definition or crayon drawing of a veranda, patio, deck, porch or sun-room that looks remarkably like a "lanai" I will stop you and point out that I don't care. Remember when I made reference to the level of my "cocked-edness"? Well, the fact that I was "cocked" to any degree should be an indication that I am a a guy and as such, I prefer to believe only what my small brain can discern from one Google search. Let's not confuse the argument with more "facts."

Well, I feel much better. I can feel the endorphins rushing through my veins. The overcast skies seem brighter, the death-metal I am listening to sounds happier, the obnoxious holiday theme sweaters surrounding me are not quite as glittery and the "mom-jeans" I see around me are more "flattering", dare I say - sexy.

And with that it appears I have rediscovered my voice. I did have something to say. And I don't doubt that this post has inspired all of you to say something as well. (Something like, "You, sir, are a complete moron!")

An Alternative Way to Fund a Vacation

We are on vacation in Door County, Wisconsin for two weeks. We have been coming here for years and one of our favorite stops is Al Johnson's Restaurant. This place is famous for Swedish pancakes and having goats on the grass roof. Every year I take pictures of the goats. 

Every year the kids try on viking hats.

And every year after eating we go to the park down the street. This year we had some extra entertainment. Someone training for the redneck olympics and getting his daughter or niece in on the act. 

This guy spent the whole time we were there sweeping the playground with a damn metal detector. Then he taught the little girl how to do it, but insisted on pocketing everything she found. I swear to god, people have no shame. (And put a shirt on for the love of Pete.)

The Horror

(Title said like Marlon Brando's character, Col. Kurtz, at the end of Apocalypse Now! - the greatest movie ever made.)

Saturday is swim lessons for the kids at Lifetime Fitness. In case anyone has forgotten, I hate the "health club." It's nothing against Lifetime, it's "health clubs" in general. Too sweaty, flexi, overpriced, loud and stinky. So...

Reason #852 why I hate "health clubs" - coming from the pool entrance in the men's locker room you make a turn and walk down a long-ish hall. The end of the hall is directly across from the entrance to the sauna. The sauna has a glass door. Sitting in the sauna in front of the glass door is Mr. No-Towel with his junk hanging off the bench. DUDE! Wear a F***ING towel. No one wants to see that! Of course the guy was so fat that he probably hadn't seen his own junk except in a mirror in decades. Here is a hint - the sauna does not melt fat away, it just makes you sweat!

Reason #945 why I hate "health clubs" - this did not happen to me - it was described to me at Easter dinner, but it qualifies as yet another reason for me. A friend of ours was describing how she was running on the treadmill at the "health club" and there was a guy running who was making every imaginable bodily sound. Coughing, snorting, "hawking up a lung," moaning, groaning, more coughing and snorting. Do you NOT realize there are other people in the vicinity and that S**T is disgusting? It's like he was raised by wolves.

Home at Last

Well, I am back home. A and the kids are still in FL for another day, so I am flying solo. I really miss all of them, which wasn't always the case. 

The trip back was frustrating, long and irritating. My flight from Ft. Meyers to Atlanta was delayed because the plane got in late from Atlanta. After we boarded, we waited a little longer and they announced we wouldn't take off until after 4:00 - It was 1:45 at this point. Luckily, we had not pushed back from the jetway so they let us off the plane. I checked on flights from Ft. Meyers and from Atlanta because my connection to Minneapolis was scheduled for around 5:00 so I would miss it if we left at 4:00. I was watching the weather roll through Atlanta and figured I would wait until I got there to rebook. It turned out to be a good decision because we ended up taking off at about 3:00. 

I am not secretive about my utter distain for air travel and airlines. I cannot understand how these big companies can charge as much as they do for flights and make no money. In my opinion the people running airlines have to be the worst business people in the world. Especially since there is ONE airline consistently making money. If one can do it why not more? To make matters worse, that one airline also has good customer service and happy employees, while these other airlines have the surliest attendants ever and bad customer service. It is just maddening. The target for most of my ire is my local carrier Northwest airlines ("Northworst" to most of the flying public.) They have had a local monopoly on flights out of the area for years and they seem to not care about anyone but themselves. OK - you know what - I am just going to stop right here on this. None of you care about this little rant.

My flight from Atlanta to Minneapolis was delayed so I didn't have to rebook, but we got out really late. I lucked out and got to sit in an exit row so I could stretch out. I finally got home at about 9:00. Four hours later then scheduled. Too late to get the dog. I went and got some "Russian Roulette" sushi (who knows how long it had been in the case), ate and went to bed. I slept like a rock! There is nothing like sleeping in your own bed. 

I picked up the dog this morning. He was SO happy to see me. Now he is sacked out next to me because he played so hard on his vacation. 

Although not a fan of Florida, it was a nice trip this year. The weather was crummy in Minnesota and great down there so how can I complain. Next year's Spring Break is a confluence of events that gives us a two week break. Thankfully we will not be spending it in Florida. Off to do some laundry - love come back from a trip.

Things I Dislike About Florida

It is no secret I don't like Florida. It is not too bad right now as I am avoiding "wintery mix" and 40 degrees back home, but in general - not my favorite place. 

(Time to suck up to Florida residents: it's not you, it's me. I have issues with climate, stereotypes and bad experiences. There are many nice people who reside in Florida, I just won't be one of them and I am begrudgingly a tourist. Please don't take this personally. Thanks.) 

I have been compiling a list of things about Florida that cause me to feel the way I do. Following is a sampling.

Gator Heads - They sell 'gator heads in the Walgreens as souvenirs. The large one is $99.99. If you can't afford that one, small ones are $19.99. If you can't afford a 'gator head, you can git yourself a 'gator paw back scratcher. How red-neck is that? When I get home I am going to start marketing squirrel heads and squirrel paw back scratchers - we gots a lot o' them critters runnin' around, too.

Boring - at least where I am. Lots of retirees (aka: Blue Hairs and Gummers) that all eat early, drive erratically and talk too much about their gout and bad hips. I know I should respect my elders, but it is all too elderly for me. I like a mix of ages, I guess.

Strip Malls - everywhere. I have developed an intense dislike of malls lately (even though I met my wife at the largest mall in the US. And "No" we did not get married at the mall. We aren't that "trailer") but I have especially come to dislike strip malls. It is all just so much parking lot and so very little shopping and then the stores are usually junky. Ick!

Humidity. I do not like humidity. I makes me tired.

Sun. I do not like sun. I makes me hot. 

I am just not a sit on the beach or lie by the pool kind of person. I will unwillingly drag myself into the pool to play with the kids (nice dad, huh?), but the pool kind of bugs, especially when my kids hang on me like I'm a life raft. I like to toss them in the air and stuff like that - you know, "dad-feats-of-strength", but these kids are perfectly capable of swimming on their own. I find it hard to believe they need to be draped all over me like some "kid suit". I need to do stuff, usually by myself, when I am on vacation. My favorite vacation activities usually involve being unable to talk to people - scuba diving, snorkeling, swimming in the ocean, running, napping - you know, vacation stuff. 

Bad food. I don't know if it's all of Florida, but everywhere we have been, not just our current location, but other cities in Florida as well, the food is terrible. Now, I am no gourmand to be sure, but I can tell a good meal from a bad one. Breakfast this morning was fine, but it wasn't some magical feast as described to me. Dinner, again, nothing to write home about. I think the restaurants figure that everyone is so old they can't taste a damn thing anyway so give them inferior food. Ugh.

Leathery people. Don't these people understand that skin cancer is a killer. I just don't get the logic behind getting tan until you look like an old Gucci loafer. Oh, and then get your teeth whitened for that added unnatural effect. Put some fricking sunscreen on, you dopes. (I am talking strictly to the WASPs in the crowd here and the other Caucasians of various religious leanings. And the white atheists and agnostics. Satanists? I am kind of on the fence. Are there nice Satanists out there? I don't know, just to be safe I am talking to them as well. Other ethnicity's with darker skin are encouraged to wear sunscreen as well, but you don't look nearly as bad as those tan white-folks out there. Have I offended everyone? No? Well, if you feel left out, I meant to inadvertently offend you as well.)

Clowns. There aren't more clowns in Florida or anything. I just don't like clowns. (No, kids, I am not afraid of clowns. I just don't like them.)

I still have a few more days here. If I think of other things I dislike about Florida, I will be sure to let you all know. 

First, A Rant

I need to rant. I have started to really hate to shop. Even at my favorite stores. I used to get excited to go poke around at REI (easily my favorite brick-and-mortar store), but even that starts to cause anxiety and irritation. I used to like to shop for clothes - or at least it didn't bother me much and I used to shop fairly often for clothes. Now, I would almost rather run a marathon wearing a cotton t-shirt with no Body Glide on the nips. What precipitated all this you ask? 

Yesterday, I decided I needed to get a couple pairs of jeans. My old ones are ripping and fraying and stained and generally looking like hell. I had a gift card from Christmas burning a hole in my pocket and some time on my hands. Edina (a suburb of Minneapolis and my actual address) is home to the first bane of America's existence - er, I mean the first enclosed shopping mall - Southdale Center. For years this mall had good stores and was relatively un-irritating to shop at. In recent years it has become less un-irritating - OK, I will come out and say it - it's irritating to go there. The situation became damn near unbearable when several years ago a certain unnamed department store headquartered in New York City and known for holiday parades bought the local department store chain from Target (a locally headquartered retail powerhouse). This new store moved right in and lowered standards across the board. I have not liked them since day one and my experiences the last two days have made me determined to avoid shopping there at all costs.

Back to yesterday - I bit the bullet and took my gift card to this store because, well frankly, everything there is on sale. I walked around and selected about a dozen pairs of jeans and not once did a sales associate ask me if I needed help or even acknowledge me. I tried on the jeans after finding the fitting rooms myself and hated every pair. I put them in the bin near the fitting rooms for restocking and went back to select round number two. Again, I poured over racks looking for my size and again no one bothered to ask if I needed help. I am pretty self sufficient so it wasn't like I was struggling, but an offer of assistance might have been nice. With a dozen more jeans hung over my arm I start walking back to the fitting rooms - at this time a sales associate asks, "Would you like to try those on?" as I am walking into the fitting rooms - great powers of observation. There was no follow-up and I never saw that associate again. I found a couple pairs of jeans that worked and bought them - the only part of my visit that went without a hitch. 

Problem is, when I got home and tried them on for my wife and slipped into a pair of shoes, I realized they would be too short. DAMN IT! I have to go back to the store. I thought it would be an easy-in-easy-out, just get the same size longer length, exchange and go. I walk into the store with the store's bag in my hand - no acknowledgment. I walk to the jeans area, pull the jeans I am going to exchange out of the bag (wanted to make sure I had the right color) and again no acknowledgment. They don't have the longer length, or at least I can't find it. I am bouncing from rack to rack searching and again, no one asks if I need any help - actually there was no one there to ask. Finally, I got fed up! I stuffed the jeans back into my bag, stormed over to a cash-wrap and before I said anything, was told they couldn't help me right now, they needed to look for something for someone on the phone. Totally and obviously ticked I ask if there is another cash-wrap nearby and then stormed down the main aisle - right by two managers - until I found someone by a cash register. I dropped my package down and said, "I want to return these." He looked at the receipt and said, "Oh, I see you paid for part with a gift card. I will have to give it back to you on a gift card." I said, "Is there any way you can just put it all back on my credit card, because I would prefer to never have to shop here again." Unfazed, he did just that. His only reply was, "Sorry you didn't have a pleasant experience." Then I stormed back down the main aisle, stormed by the two managers still standing there, and got the hell out of there.

Now, I don't want companies to go out of business and I certainly do not want people to lose their jobs, however, this company deserves every loss it has taken in the past few years and if they were to go away, I would say "Good Riddance." It would seem to me that in this economy a store would want to maximize the positive experience for the few customers they are getting in the doors. I honestly don't know what they are thinking. The associates are frustrating enough, but I can kind of give them the benefit of the doubt. I can only imagine their training was not stellar. What is absolutely inexcusable is the behavior of the managers. If you are short staffed then the managers need to get on the floor and sell and help customers. I would immediately fire the two chuckleheads that I walked by for being stupid, lazy and certainly not customer oriented. 

Now, I am without new jeans and I have to go out shopping again. Perhaps I will go for a run first and get those endorphins pumping. I will probably have to go for another run afterwards to work of the fury. Shopping might actually be good for my training.

What the?

Walking the dog in the neighborhood this morning I came across this:

What the hell is this? There are so many things wrong with this I don't know where to begin. Let's start with the obvious. This is in someone's front yard. "Hey kids, why don't you build a fort out of every piece of crap you can find in the neighbors trash and put it in the front yard so they can see that their detritus has gone to a worthy cause. Oh, and here is the trunk from the Christmas tree, put that right in the middle." I am sure the neighbors love having this on their street. Manicured lawns are almost a prerequisite for residency. (BTW - I do not live on this street, manicured lawns are not a prerequisite on my street. I am unable to effectively manicure my Creeping Charlie, crab grass and dandelions.) The city probably wants its cone back. There is a lot of construction in this area right now. Public safety might take precedent over anchoring some pee-stained carpeting in your front yard. If you thought the Christmas tree was a fire hazard in the living room, someone is bound to light that somabitch to clear the block of this eyesore. But the worst part of this monstrosity can be seen if you zoom in and look really carefully. In the lower left corner. Yeah, there it is. Lying slightly apart. A poster. 24 x 36 inches. Nicely framed at - I would guess - Deck the Walls. But what is that poster depicting? Are those...it's hard to tell...no I think they are - POMERANIANS with BOWS! Because those dogs aren't irritating enough in real life, let's hang a larger than life poster of them on our walls. No, wait, let's get rid of that, it's faded from the sun. Oh, this "fort" isn't new. It's been around for at least five days. Winter really causes people to make poor decisions in this state. I need a nap.

We are NOT getting a Pit Bull

Please stop saying I am adopting a Pit Bull! The dog we are considering is an American Staffordshire Terrier mix. He falls into the general category of bull-type dogs that includes American Bulldogs, English Bulldogs, Staffordshire Bull Terriers, Boxers, Bull Mastiffs, Boston Terriers, Bull Terriers (Spuds Makenzie), French Bulldogs and, yes, American Pit Bull Terriers. We have done our research on the breed and this particular dog. Overall, the breed is a loving, loyal, affectionate family dog. This dog is very well socialized with people and other dogs and has never had a biting incident. We are also not naive, first time dog owners. This dog will be taken to obedience class which our children will attend and, as with any dog, he will not be left alone with children - ours or anyone else's. Our children will understand and live by the rules we have regarding taking care of, playing with and disciplining the dog. All dogs have the potential to "snap" and maul a person or another animal, but responsible, loving ownership has been shown to minimize this considerably. Come on, this dog only has three legs and just wants a good home - don't we get credit for that. I am including the link to a blog post that makes a case for the misplaced dislike of these dogs. The kids meet him tonight and we will see how the visit goes. I have realistic expectations that we will keep him, but we have continued to point out to the kids there are some deal breakers, surprisingly, they understand and agree. 

For the last time - we are not getting a Pit Bull - and so what if we were!