Monday, November 16, 2009

We Took a Trip on an Airplane

We were out of town for the weekend. A had a CE conference in Chicago so we made a family trip of it to see A's brothers and kids. It was a fun busy weekend. We went to the Shedd Aquarium - one of my favorite museums - and saw the dolphin show - not one of my favorites. Maybe one of the reasons I like the museum so much is that it brings back fond memories of getting stoned my freshman year at Loyola University and staring at all the fish - good times, dude. (Sorry mom, I did that kind of stuff back then. But just that once.)

We flew down instead of driving and I have determined that there is not one worthwhile airline in America. We used to have to fly Northworst, but they have merged with Delta creating the largest and surliest airline in the world. Recently Southwest has started to fly from Minneapolis to Chicago. This makes me happy because it means that Delta now has to match Southwest's prices meaning every flight Delta sends to Chicago is a gargantuan money loser. Unfortunately, Southwest is also guilty of poor quality (read: crab-ass) flight attendants. They just go about it less venomously.

The kids had to go to the bathroom (in case you don't have kids - when they need to go, they fricking need to go. Especially, F - "The Boy with the Mustard Seed Sized Bladder.") On two occasions we made the mistake of asking a flight attendant if F could hit the head (they had put the seat belt sign on for turbulence and then as we were getting into position to land.) Both times they said, " Let's see, is that light on? [the fasten seat belt light.] Yes. Well, then that means "no." And there was "a tone." (Like, "you fucking idiots, the fucking fasten seat belt sign is illuminated, so no you can't get out of your fucking seats so your fucking snot-nosed kid can use the one fucking bathroom on this plane. We are fucking Southwest Airlines! It's a fucking privilege to fucking fly with us. Now, stop fucking bothering me. Oh, and fuck you!)

The most ironic part of the trip was in Midway Airport. There was a toy store the kids wanted to browse around in to kill time, so while they were looking at stuffed animals and Legos, I looked at the airline branded merchandise which I find incredibly funny because who doesn't want to be reminded of the worst time you have ever had stuck in an aluminum tube getting god-only-knows-what communicable diseases and being verbally and psychologically abused by airline personnel? So Delta, in their infinite marketing wisdom, is offering the queen mother of all airline souvenirs.

My guess is that after you buy it; Delta will charge you $100 to open the package. If you buy it as you are boarding a plane, Delta will charge you for the package (it has a zipper after all, it counts as a bag) and they will charge for the bag the attendant doll is carrying. This little souvenir will probably set you back over $300 by the time Delta finishes with you.

Then, after you open the package the doll will stare at you with a contemptuous look
. When the doll realizes you want to play with it, it will proceed to verbally abuse you, hassle you for even thinking of interacting with it and then proceed to completely ignore you while it instead giggles with Barbie and Skipper in the galley. Oh, and if you have TWO of these dolls, they will join forces to make your time with them a complete nightmare at the end of which you will wonder why you ever decided to pay money for this kind of abuse when for half the cost you could visit a dominatrix and get some actual pleasure from the whole encounter (or so I have heard.)

I met Tasha for coffee. The rest of the weekend was fun.

The End.


Beth said...

Oh hilarious!! But I have to say I've had pretty good luck with the SW flight attendants. And if you ever fly with your bike, definitely stick with SW or you will want to cry for a long, long, long time... ;)

ADC said...

You are so funny. But it's true. I found that American fight crew is not as polite as British (of course). And Continental staff once told me on my flight from London to NYC that they hate British because apparently we are really annoying and ask for things. :(((

Roo said...

Frontier. Fly Frontier.

Only you could somehow work a dominatrix into an airline story. Impressive.

Charisa said...

I'm flying to NY this weekend. Redeye - sleep the whole way. Or that's the idea...

IAN said...

Never fly Delta. Most expensive airline to ship a bike with too. But it is nice to hear they lose a bunch of $ flying to Chicago.

made a bike decision yet?

D said...

Why are you listening to these nazi's? The seatbelt sign can suck it. You gotta go? GO! What are they gonna do? Kick you off plane?

rr said...

You're totally going to have to guest star on my barbie blog. Coming soon. Knocked-up Skipper (my little sister) comes with Forrest Ken, and her brilliant baby daddy needs a male voice.