Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Greatest Story Ever Written

F came home with a story he wrote last week. I am rather shocked by how good it is.

The Legendary Sword
Once there was a sword a
legendary sword. A long time ago
a man named Terrace found the
sword! But...
...trouble came. Giant mushrooms
with a goblen with a
crossbow! He went into the
portal and he returned to town.
He showed the sword to his
mom and dad "wow"! they said
(by the way this was made in
mideval times) He showed
everyone in town and went
to bed.
Although impressed, I also have some issues with this fine piece of 2nd grade amateur literature.

I have to admit to a sneaking suspicion of plagiarism, but that's only because I had no idea the kid had it in him - if it's true.

His punctuation is for shit. I mean really, use a comma once in awhile.

Who names their kid "Terrace?" I know these are "mideval times" and all, but why name your kid after an architectural detail? They might as well have named him "Lanai."

This story has more holes in it than Swiss cheese.

Then the "trouble" came in the form of giant mushrooms and a "goblen?" What, was the land dark and covered in a thick layer of shit? Where the hell do the mushrooms come in? And what kind of mushrooms? Poisonous? Hallucinogenic? If the were hallucinogenic that would totally explain the "portal." And that would make for an awesome story!

And what kind of ungrateful parents does "Terrace" have? The guy slogs through a world of shit that breeds mushrooms and an armed "goblen" and then goes through a "portal" and returns with this kick-ass "legendary sword" (if that illustration is any indication, that is one bad-ass mofo of a "legendary sword") and all mom and dad can say is "wow!" Not even "Wow!" or "WOW!" Those parents have some pretty high standards especially considering they saddled their son with a fancy name for a deck.

Then, to curry favor with the townsfolk he showed them all his "legendary sword" and we can only assume that they were as underwhelmed as mom and dad, so he just said "screw it" and went to bed. What? Really? Maybe he needed to sleep off his magic mushroom portal trip and he just couldn't deal. Who knows.

Meanwhile, we can only assume that the "goblen" is traipsing around the countryside with his cross-bow all tripped out on hallucinogenic magic mushrooms and wreaking all kinds of havoc. The kid really needs to figure out how to resolve all these plot holes if he ever wants to make it to 3rd grade.

But, perhaps I am selling my son short. Perhaps this story is a cry for help. It is very possible that this is a thinly veiled plea for positive affirmation and recognition that he does a good job using a knife and fork at dinner and goes to bed on time.

"Terrace" - the hero - is most assuredly, F. The "goblen" could be his sister and the "cross-bow" might represent the withering way she talks to him sometimes. The disaffected mom and dad - that is so transparent. Obviously it represents his mother (I am not sure why I am not represented in the story, but I suspect I am the unnamed deity that protects him from harm and leads him to the "legendary sword." I could also be the "mushrooms" because I am kept in the dark and fed bullshit.) The "town" is a melding of his mother and sister as they sit at the dinner table and their
unimpressive reaction to his skillful use of eating utensils. (I usually stand in the kitchen and eat so I can't be included in that miserable hoard of "townsfolk.") The "legendary sword" is a representation of all eating utensils. "Bed?" Well, that is just bed. Duh.

So there are two ways to look at this. I guess I could look at it other ways, but you are all already bored out of your minds or incensed at the hardheartedness of my wife toward our son and so overcome with admiration for my incredible parenting prowess, that I will leave it at two.


Roo said...

I still have a story I wrote about "spawning salmon" when I was in second grade. (thankfully my parents did not have a blog) Maybe I should send it to you for analysis?

Jill Costantino said...

WOW! All of that from the little story. For grade 2 that's pretty impressive. I suck at english, otherwise I would find something very clever to leave as a comment! Plus you are probably analysing this.

BreeWee said...

WHOA, already taking after daddy... ha ha ha.... Incredible that he is such a thinker, you should be proud, ha ha ha!!

Question Authority. said...

This is a fan-frickin-tastic short story.

By the way, what a coincidence that my "word verification" for posting this comment is "freci," which means "fan-frickin-tastic" in Italian!

Charisa said...

Did you read the story while on your lanai? I personally like the artwork that accompanied the story.

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