Sunday, August 23, 2009

My Friend Vic

My back is back.

Friday morning I was standing at the bathroom sink brushing my teeth (you will all be thrilled to know oral hygiene is very important to me) and as I leaned forward just a little bit the small of my back went "ZING!" and almost immediately I started walking like my 80 year old grandmother (before she died, god rest her soul.) For what ever reason my back/ass/piriformis started to spazz out. This is just getting ridiculous!

I walked around gingerly for most of the day and popped fistfuls of Advil while yelling at my kids for reasons unknown to them (a sore back makes me really crabby with a short fuse.) To make matters worse, I had a 16 mile run on my schedule for the next day.

Welcome, Vic.

A couple of hours before bed I welcomed my friend Vic into my treatment plan. Vic has seen me through a wide range of painful situations - physically painful, not emotionally or psychologically (my friend Porn helps me in those situations. Ha, I kid. But not really. I am kidding about that, too. But not entirely. I am totally kidding.) Now, I LOVE Vic. He always makes me feel better, relaxed, mellow, totally chill.

Vic doesn't have the same affect on everyone who looks to him for assistance. My sister gets "dangry" with Vic. (You, know 'drugged and angry.') Vic makes other people I know barf. I always offer to take Vic off those poor people's hands. Vic gets about $50 per "session" on the street, but I could never part with my dear, dear friend at any price.

I had Vic make another visit right before bed. Then, at about 3:30 in the morning I was awoken by my aching back - AGAIN! That is IT! I creakily made my way to the bathroom where Vic hangs out and had a double meeting. Then I drifted off to sweet, slightly psychedelic dreamland.

Running with Vic.

My alarm went off at 5:00 AM. Mmmm - mellow. I got up rather easily, got dressed, made myself something to eat and drink and then headed out to meet my running partner. My back felt great (as did the rest of me.)

I pull up to CS's house and she hops in the car. I ask her how she is doing, where are we going, etc. etc. and then I realize that I am YELLING EVERYTHING. I CAN'T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE. I apologize and get it back under control and THEN I REALIZE THAT I AM AGAIN YELLING EVERYTHING I AM SAYING. Then I come clean. "CS, I am sorry I am talking so loud," I whisper, "I am whacked out on Vicodin." She laughs - nervously - I am driving after all.

We get to the starting point of our run and hit the trail. As before, my back doesn't bother me when I am standing, walking or running - it only hurts after I have been sitting for awhile or lying down on something too soft. Vic don't fail me now.

I must point out that it is completely false to label Vicodin a "performance enhancing drug." My legs and body have never felt so strange during a run. I felt like everything was on a 5 second delay. Truly weird. Luckily about 45 minutes in everything was back to normal, but those first miles were trippy - and not in a particularly enjoyable way. I also think I kept talking too loud.

Vic is still my friend. I am sure he will visit again when I have a migraine, a tweaked muscle under my shoulder blade or more back/ass pain. I just hope he doesn't come back anytime soon and I hope I never have to run with him again.


NJ said...

You are absolutely HILARIOUS! You had me rolling through the entire post. You have a gift for writing and humor!

My brother would swear by his friend Perc though. Vic just didn't do it for him - then again his face was broken in 3 places and he had a titanium plate screwed into his cheek (dunken motorcross bike accident on the lawn).

Charisa said...

I CAN'T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!! Austin Powers rocks!! How does one exactly throw out their back while brushing their teeth? Do you do a little dance in front of the mirror with the tooth brush?! I am going to go out on a limb here and guess you have immaculate teeth unlike Austin.

D said...

You Americans sure do love your drugs. I can't even imagine having Vicodin in Canada, nevermind people actually getting prescribed the stuff.

Court said...

Ahhh, Vic. Yeah, he's a good guy. Although I hear he tends to be a little clingy and is hard to get rid of. No? By the way, you WERE on 5-second delay. I was wondering why you kept interrupting me. HaHa that would be funny: how's the... what?... pace?... no you go... what?...

kerrie said...

i can totally relate to that...not the back thing, but the vic thing. he's almost as nice as my friend perc.
it makes me feel like i'm speed talking and moving fast, but in reality, i think it's quite the opposite. he he

Beth said...

I've never really understood why people don't like friends like Vic and Perc. The few times I've spent time with them, I really, really enjoyed it. ;) Hope the back feels good as new!