Sunday, December 6, 2009

Questions, questions

So many questions. So who is my coach? Well, that is kind of a funny story. It has an interesting parallel to how I met my wife.

See, I met my wife at the Mall of America - you know, the largest indoor mall in the US.
It was summer and school was out. I had been out of college and was returning from being a ski bum in Vail, Colorado for a season. We met when we were working at Eddie Bauer. This was before the mall opened. I had worked at an Eddie Bauer previously and was part of the management team that was opening this new flagship store. (That all sounds real important with high amounts of responsibility, but it really just meant that I got to carry some keys and count the money at the end of the night.) I really liked Eddie Bauer back then. They carried all sorts of gadgets and Swiss Army knives and stuff. Anyway, we had to fold tons of clothes and anyone who has worked at a major retail store like the Gap or Limited or Eddie Bauer knows there is a very specific way to fold each type of clothing. My future wife was busy folding - or more accurately refolding - a table of polos because someone else did a really shitty job. I went over to see how she was doing, you know, on a personal level, not really checking her work. We had the following conversation:
Me: "Hi, how're you doing?"
FW (Future wife): "Fine."
Me: "So, where do you go to school?"
FW: "I've graduated."
Me: "Oh, so where are you going to college?"
FW: "I graduated from college."
Me: "Oh, I see. Well, I better go see how they are doing on the jean wall."
Yes, it was that horribly awkward. And yes, I was/am that big of a dork. She thought I was that big of a dork. Months later we ended up grabbing something to eat after work because we had a store meeting and didn't have time to run back to our respective homes. We talked and started to like each other and now we are married with two kids, a dog and no exit strategy.

So what does this have to do with my new coach? Well, a few weeks ago I friended "a gal" who I recognized and had many common friends and had funny comments on people's posts. After she accepted my invite I caught the following post from her:

"felt like the treadmill was shaking this morning. The girl next to me confirmed that hers was just fine. So it's all in my head (literally!). Mission aborted!"

In my infinite quest to be witty, I posted a comment saying something to the effect:
"could it be that you have gained a couple of pounds?"
I almost started a Facebook Incident. I immediately got a response from this "gal" indicating that my comment was exactly the reason that she is leery of accepting friend requests from people she doesn't know. In my infinite quest to be liked by all I proceeded to apologize, grovel, apologize more, delete my offending comment and generally reassess the decisions I had made in my life and how I had gotten to this point and would I make it another day on Facebook.

After enough groveling and I think perhaps some intervention by other FB friends on my behalf vouching for my horrible upbringing and my struggle with being a complete moron, we came to a friendly understanding - I wouldn't do that again.

Then this "mysterious gal you are all dying to know the identity of and probably already know by now and if you are D have gotten bored and moved on" mentioned she was leading a spinning class and I said she should webcast it and she laughed - ha, ha - then she mentioned about a week later she was leading another spin class and I said again she should webcast it so I could do it at home and then she asked if I had any restraining orders (I get that a lot - no she didn't ask that and I don't get that a lot and I don't have any.) No, she asked if was looking for a coach - it was kind of like when I met my wife and we went to get something to eat (see how I tied this all together like a Gordian Knot) - and we started talking and - FUCK IT! I am boring MYSELF now.

My coach is Amy Kloner! Now, get off my back!


cat. said...

i believe my comment on your profile when i saw that the two of yous had become friends was "oh, this ought to be good". caoch and coachee ... oh, this ought to be even better!

Molly said...

What Cat said. Oh the entertainment value that lies ahead!

kerrie said...

wow - you really know how to tell a story.....

yet, i really hope she punishes you for your trangression.

MM said...

Does your wife know about this? ;-)

D said...

I should have just stuck to the original e-mail version of this story.

ADC said...

Yep, I am bored.

Amy Beth Kloner said...

I hope that this verbose story and all of its descriptive details aren't the reason for you not completing the run in its entirety yesterday.
I just found your blog. Oh god.
And to all the ladies-- yes, we'll see how funny that fat joke was down the road... ;)
All joking aside, I'm very excited to work with you, Todd.

IAN said...

"now we are married with two kids, a dog and no exit strategy." F-ING PRICELESS!!! Ohh man. Coffee almost out my nose on that one. Thanks man. Monday morning just got that much better.

Beth said...

You are just hilarious. If I need a smile or laugh (monsterous laugh that is) I know where to go!! Good luck with your new coach! If you can ride as fast as her this summer for your races, her work will be done. ;)

Question Authority. said...

I didn't even read your whole post but the words that jumped out at me are forming the question, "Could you do this training without a coach?"

'Cause I think you might me by brother.

My brother .... eh. Call me. Or don't. We could go have a coffee. Or not.

(I might be suffering from trainer envy.)