I Don't Think I Did That Right

We got back from Las Vegas a couple of days ago and I have to say it may have been an epic failure.

That is not to say that I didn't have a good time with A and no kids and our friends and their new baby and JS. I mean, there was no drama or scandal or gun play or gratuitous nudity or hostage situations or blackmail or need for massive doses of antibiotics.

The flight there on Delta/Northworst Thursday night was actually fairly pleasant. We had a male flight attendant who was incredibly helpful and patient and, dare I say, friendly. The return flight on Sunday was not that way.

We flew back on US Airways, which is undoubtedly the WORST airline in America. (That "honor" changes depending on the airline I've flown on most recently, so for now US Airways "wins.") First off the planes were totally "ghetto" - looking like they hadn't been cleaned or updated since the late 1980's. And then there were the employees. WTF!? If you hate dealing with people, don't work for an airline where you have to "WORK WITH PEOPLE." These were some of the surliest, most redneck, fuckups I have ever seen working for an airline. The gate agent makes an announcement that the flight is full and there may not be enough space for carry-ons so they would allow you to check your bag at the gate free of charge. I had a fairly large carry-on so I walked up to get a gate check. This BITCH looked at me like I was the biggest piece of shit she had ever seen, rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, I suppose." Well, FUCK YOU for doing your job - she had a hand full of luggage tags - that is what she was DOING! Then A says she can take hers, too. She looks at A like she is slightly smaller piece of shit than me and says, "Yours will have to with the regular luggage." No explanation why. Nothing. FUCK! (There. That is the requisite "airline" rant that you have come to loathe and expect whenever I have to travel. It's cathartic for me. Thanks.)

There was food. We ate at Nobu on Friday night. Now, I love sushi and Japanese food, but I was expecting a less than exciting experience considering the reputation Nobu has - that reputation being amazingly fantastic. Well, I have to say that it lived up to the hype. The food was phenomenal and we had a great time sitting around laughing and people watching. Saturday for lunch I insisted on In-N-Out Burger. It was my first and won't be my last. (I was aware of the "secret menu" and now I wish I would have taken some time to research it so I could have ordered something a little less "standard" - next time.) The place was packed. We took a cab from the Premium Outlet Mall (the baby needed to get out and get some fresh air after all that time in the casino) and stopped on the way back to the hotel. The cabby was super cool and said that he would stop the meter for 10 minutes, but ended up leaving it off for the entire time it took us to get our food.

I had a great cabby who drove me to the outlet mall (our "party" got separated because I was getting a massage.) Due to bad traffic on the highway he took me on back streets. There were a lot of welding shops, car service shops and other light industrial. I commented, "Well, this is a part of Vegas I haven't been before," then we ran into the strip clubs, "never mind, I have been here before." He laughed.

There was a suite. We stayed at the Four Seasons at Mandalay Bay. Yes, that sounds fabulous (and it was) but the price was right - two nights with the third night free and an upgrade to a suite for $50 - all for less than the price of hotel rooms we have stayed in in Chicago.

There were a few spa visits. That sounds kind of "metro" I am sure, but my visits consisted of two massages and too much time on an elliptical machine. I had the same masseuse both times and both times, she was standing on her toes with her elbow in my glute. I think she may have needed a nap after - she looked a little worn out. (OK any massage therapists out there - when a massage therapist says, "That was great. I could work on you for another hour," is this a compliment? Meaning you can really get in there and don't have to hold back or does it mean I am really messed up? I have gotten that a couple of times.)

We also went to a show. We saw the Cirque du Soleil show "O" at the Bellagio. I really enjoyed it. I am sure there was supposed to be some sort of a "story" but it was lost on me. Once I stopped trying to figure it all out (after about 5 minutes) I just enjoyed the spectacle.

We gambled at Mandalay and the Hard Rock. A thinks she won, but I lost so the family is probably "down" overall. It's not that I am necessarily a "bad" gambler (I did take a couple of questionable hits) I was just getting the shittiest cards. Lots and lots of 2s, 3s, 4s. We were all playing well enough to remain at the tables for a few hours each time we went, so we got our money's worth of fun. All the dealers we had were WAY cooler than I remember them. Except for one - Gary.

What is it with "Gary?" I spent 12 hours in Madison chasing "Gary" around and now in Vegas "old dealer Gary" was hitting on my wife. I wasn't there to witness it having lost and gone to bed earlier, but A and our friend T confirmed it. The first time we met Gary he was pretty entertaining. He told us the story of how a security guard about the size of A came flying into a hog-pile trying to hold down a raging Wesley Snipes and broke his arm like a twig. He also introduced us to another player who joined our table and he turned out to be a bee keeper from northern California. Some comment was made about this guy's hands and he explained that they were dirty and cracked from handling bees and wax and it was probably permanent. Normally that would totally gross me out, but I was kind of fascinated by the fact that the guy was a professional bee keeper. (And I don't drink, so it wasn't an alcohol induced fascination, which I realize makes me sound like even more of a lunatic.)

Having read this post several times I realize that my 67 year old mother had a more exciting time the last time she was in Vegas. I have become a stodgy old poop WAY before my time. Sorry to have bored you all for this long.