Catch up

So, everyone does those end of the year recaps followed by resolutions or goals for the new year. I like to read other people's recaps, but I think mine would just be a bunch of bullshit. Besides (as someone already pointed out) if you read my blog you don't need a recap. And I have kind of listed out my goals already so that would be a bunch of bullshit, too. (In case you didn't realize it, one of my goals is to use as much foul language as possible in every blog post even if it appears that I might have Tourettes when I type, cocksucker bitch whore. Not really, but it sure seems that way.)

I haven't posted much for the last couple of weeks what with my complete and utter dislike of the holidays and with the kids being home from school. Let me catch you up.

We decorated for Christmas and that fucking Empire is everywhere. I am starting to not like those guys.


(F would correct me and point out that that is, in fact, a clone trooper and not actually part of the Empire, yet.)

F had his school Christmas concert. (E's was earlier and I am not sure why we don't have any pictures of her.) Notice his fashionably disheveled look and the way he wears his belt rakishly off to the side. So fashion forward.


Joy of joys! My kids learned to snowboard! Here is E carving on her heel edge (actually she probably fell there, but I like to imagine it as the perfect heel edge turn.)


Here is F also executing a perfect heel edge carve.


My Grommets!


The best part was after their third lesson the three of us went snowboarding together. (I took a refresher lesson and found that I didn't forget much.) I can not remember the last time I had so much fun with my kids. I was so proud of them. We went again the next week and I might lobby for a Colorado vacation next year.

Of course presents were exchanged. Nothing too exciting for the kids or A. (This is my blog so who cares about what they got anyway, right?) I got some cool ones and some strange ones.

Cool Ones


I have to admit this was on my list. I was only half joking when I put it on there, but I was totally excited when I opened it. I haven't put it together yet. I promised the kids they could help. I also need to put all the Christmas decorations away so there will be room on the mantle for it when it's done. (Just kidding, honey!)

(No, I'm not kidding.)


I got this one, too. The funny part about this is that the price sticker already said "Willis Tower." (It was renamed like a month ago.)


I put this one together already. It is prominently displayed on my dresser. (Notice all the people in that post card staring at it in amazement.)

A got me these:

Now the whole family has snowshoes. We are planning to go to my aunt and uncle's cabin sometime this winter so we will have an opportunity to use them.

Strange Ones



WTF!?

I don't think I ever indicated a desire to kill my wife and a "friend" of her's so I am not sure where the idea for these came from. They went back to "fucking Macy's." I hate that place so much I returned them and then was bound and determined (with the kids in tow) to get something else so I wouldn't have to return. I looked for a sweater, a duvet cover, underwear - nothing! Then I decided on this:



Perfect!

There. Now you are all caught up from my last couple of weeks. On to all the new excitement of 2010.

Now, Back to Our Regular Programming

After taking a detour for a few posts to figure out my life for the next year I am returning to my standard format of discussing things that are really only of interest to me. Somehow I have managed to suck in some of you and you are all kind enough to feign interest and validate my existence.

Before I move completely on from "my life 2010" I ask you to go to the comments section of my previous post and read the anonymous comment "someone" left for me. "Someone" is not very good at hiding their identity and I appreciate that "somebody" took the time and effort to give me a big vote of confidence. "Someone" was under-appreciated in this respect. "Someone else" (me, for the easily confused) is a big dope.

OK - on to the other stuff.

The Holidays Can Suck My Balls




(These balls, not other balls.)

Ugh! I am so over the holidays! They really bring out the absolute worst in people - impatience, ignorance and insensitivity. Today alone I was almost run over twice in two separate parking lots as people raced to get a parking spot. Then, as I was waiting at the grocery store, I overheard a woman, after explaining that she was a ticket agent for Delta Airlines, say, "I know, I have to check in all those stressed out, terrible people." Nice attitude. Maybe if your company wasn't staffed by an inordinately high percentage of insensitive morons and led by a larger group of misfits who, when presented with a problem, can only come up with another fee to charge customers until we will have to pay for every sheet of toilet paper we use, those "terrible people" wouldn't be quite so stressed out. (But I digress.)

Earlier this week as I was again at the grocery store (I spend a lot of time at the grocery store) I see one of the "fabulous" mom's from the kids' school walking across the parking with her groceries being toted behind her by the bag boy (it's a free service to everyone - yes, it's fancy) walk right up to her gigantic EarthFucker 3000 (thanks RR) parked in -- the handicapped spot closest to the entrance. She had no sticker on her license plate and no tag on her mirror and is certainly more than capable of walking the same distance as other "folks." I just hate that.

I have had enough of shopping and I haven't even begun to wrap. Then there are all the people who are going to show up and all the activities we have to do with the kids. I was just settling into a nice routine and now it's all going to be disrupted so I can participate in some over commercialized event that is totally at odds with the true inspiration for "the season."

I just want these next couple of weeks to be over so we can do away with the completely unnecessary stress of shooting for perfection in every way. Doesn't anyone subscribe to my theory of marginal effectiveness? Here's hoping your holidays are marginal.

Art and Caring

The Friday after Thanksgiving we went to the Walker Art Center with the kids. They had some cool exhibitions that I thought the kids could understand and enjoy and that I really wanted to see. For those of you not familiar, the Walker is the more modern and contemporary of the major art museums in Minneapolis. It has this great sculpture garden that is fun to run around in.

Here is some of the stuff we saw in the sculpture garden.


(A is trying to explain something, I am trying to imagine myself somewhere.)


My family. And me.














(There has been a lot of sex had in that spoon - just so you know. Not ever by me you sickos.)

They also have a small conservatory with a big Frank Gehry glass fish. I also liked the hibiscus.





Walking back to the car E comes running up to me asking for money. I turn back to her and say in my typically irritated tone of voice, "What do you need money for, now?" She lowered her head and in her soft voice said, "There is a sleeping bag back there tucked under the bushes. Mom says that it belongs to a homeless person and I want to leave him a surprise to make him feel better."

For a kid who is constantly bugging for a mobile phone, an iPod touch and Ugg boots I was surprised she would take the chance to ask me - Mr. No! - for money after all the hell I give her. She knew this was important though. I realized I constantly underestimate my kids' abilities to be compassionate and empathetic. I also realized that I underestimate A and my abilities to raise wonderful, caring kids. At this point in our lives we seem to be doing a pretty good job. (I hope that doesn't sound self-congratulatory, it certainly wasn't meant to.)

I gave her the $23 dollars I had in my pocket and she went running back to the bushes. "Just make sure there's no one in that sleeping bag before you put your hand in there!" Hey, I'm overly cautious as well. What can I say?

Ah, the F*cking Holidays

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind the holidays to a certain extent. Past that threshold though I am decidedly un-festive.

Part of the reason for a "festive threshold" is the amount of time I get to "enjoy" with my children. They have the whole week off for Thanksgiving along with two full weeks for Christmas. It tends to be a lot of kid time for me. It goes better if there are activities, but I am not one to plan so far ahead so I get stuck and the kids end up at home with me doing nothing. This time was a little better.

The first weekend F had a birthday party to attend. We got his friend the requisite Lego kit as a present and then we had F make a birthday card. F claims his favorite subject in school is art - I don't believe it. I also don't think he has a future writing for Hallmark.



Thanksgiving is always a "festive" start to the holiday season. We have been hosting since we were first married so he have the whole show pretty well down and we don't deviate much from the script. (Mostly we stay to script because change tends to make A a little "nervous.")

This year was pretty uneventful, except for the one brief blow-up by me and the subsequent silent treatment from A (a marked improvement from past years.)

The table looked much better than last year.


Last year.




This year. (Great job, honey.)

This year I convinced A that we should do the turkey on the grill. Last year, when we had two turkeys we did one in the oven and one on the grill. People really liked the grilled turkey and I like to do stuff on the grill so hey, why not again this year?

I prepared the bird by stuffing with onions, leeks, shallots, garlic, carrots and apples. Then, the piece de resistance, I took Nueske's bacon and shoved six strips under the skin on the breasts and laid a few more strips on each of the legs. While watching Martha Stewart (who generally I abhor) on the Today show on Wednesday, she provided a wonderful tip - take cheese clothe and soak it in two sticks of melted butter and a bottle of white wine, then lay it like a blanket over the turkey covering the whole bird - no need to baste. It worked like a charm. You take it off for the last hour of cooking and the turkey turns a golden brown.

I set the coals up for indirect heat and put a pan of water and some of the leftover turkey stuffings in the middle.



Kingsford makes this awesome Hickory charcoal that gives it a wonderful flavor.



While the turkey was cooking away people were arriving. My aunt comes and always brings this great pheasant dip.



Each year she claims it's made with a different type of bird. This year it was allegedly made with Ivory Billed Woodpecker. Apparently, Ivory Billed Woodpecker is kind of spicy and really good.

After a little over four hours on the grill the thermometer hit 180 degrees and we were done. RIGHT. ON. TIME! I am very proud.



How beautiful is that!?



And then right before I carved it.



Then, after the carving was done.





And, on the platter.



F said a little prayer he wrote in school.



The kids were exiled to the kitchen table.



And then we ate. (No pictures - you don't want to see my family cramming food down their gullets and I didn't want to put down my fork to grab the camera.)

On Friday we went over to my sister's house for dinner. No one wanted leftovers so we opted for Chinese food. I, again, ate my rapidly increasing body weight in lo-mein and sesame chicken. At the end of the meal we cracked open the requisite fortune cookies. This was mine.



How incredibly accurate. (And it's even better if you add "in bed" after it.)

Three Weeks to Gluttony

Every year since we were married A and I have hosted Thanksgiving at our house. This year will be no different. The big day is still three weeks away, but I am already starting to consider what to make. We always do a turkey - that's a given. Last year we did two. One we did in the oven and the other we did on the grill. Everyone LOVED the grilled turkey. I'd like to do it again this year, but we will only have one larger turkey rather than the two we had last year (we had more people last year.) In a blatant attempt to flush out lurkers on my blog I am looking for suggestions for turkey prep. At the very least I am willing to wrap it in Nueske's bacon (the best bacon in the world.) I am also looking for recommendations for stuffing. We won't do any stuffing in the bird, in the past we stuff it with tons of garlic, onions, and other delicious veggies. I have heard deep fried turkey is fabulous, but I am not willing to try something this "radical" - our family members and guests have a finite tolerance for change.

From there we are thinking about side dishes. My mom always brings sweet potatoes. She prepares them the only way any self-respecting northern Minnesotan or Wisconsinite would - with ample amounts of bourbon and marshmallows. We'll have mashed potatoes, but if anyone has a suggestion on how to improve these, that would be appreciated. Veggies have always been my mother-in-laws seven layer salad - again, an upper-midwest staple. (Unfortunately, this dish peaked in the 70's.) We'll also do either Szechuan green beans or asparagus, but those are the default options.

If anyone is looking for a turkey prep suggestion - last year one of the birds was stuffed with lemons, oranges and pineapple. I mean crammed tight. And boy was it good. That tends to lend itself more to oven preparation and I can't do it this year because it doesn't work for gravy production - which is an absolute requirement.

In other Thanksgiving prep news we have made some upgrades around the house. A relented and let me install a TV in the kitchen. This will make watching football much easier while cooking. We have also pulled the trigger and bought new dining chairs. After much investigation, sampling, hand wringing, test driving and procrastination we found some at West Elm. These are perfectly acceptable and inexpensive enough that if they don't last no one's heart will be broken. (You don't need pictures now, you'll have to wait three weeks until the table is set.)

As I sit here writing this post I can feel my ass getting bigger and my gut getting softer. I like the holidays but I really need to figure out a way to keep my weight under control. I guess we all have a cross to bear. Mine tends to be fork shaped at this time of year.

I Hate A Parade

I am not a fan of parades. They are second only to circuses in the long list of things I don't like. Every Fourth of July our little suburb holds its parade down the main thoroughfare that runs near our house. This year I decided to document our parade in all its glory so I can laugh at some of my ridiculous neighbors all year long.

There are several categories of ridiculousness.

Creepy Clowns:

There were many creepy clowns but these two were the creepiest.

Man or woman? I am not sure and I am not sure I care - please move on! (Triple double creepy with a giant syringe.)

This clown had one creepy giant hand that he kept putting in kids faces (smell the glove = gross.) He had a name tag. Apparently his name is "Gizzy." (Pronounce it however you want. it's still creepy.)

Obnoxious neighbors/moms:

I really can't believe the lengths people go to in public to be obnoxious.

Here are some people who brought a couch to the parade because lawn chairs are clearly not good enough for their obnoxious asses.

And here they are pushing the couch back down the middle of our street after the parade. (Classy.)

This is obnoxious mom #1 (white shirt, khaki shorts.) She is basically shoving kids out of the way to get candy from some Cub Scouts. Her kid is standing behind her to the left in the green shirt. (How do I know this? Keep reading.)

Here is Obnoxious Mom #1 giving the candy she just got to her completely wimpified kid. She did this every time someone came by giving away candy. 

Here is Obnoxious Mom #2 taking a page from the playbook of OM #1. ("Here kids - mug the Daughters of the Revolution for some candy. Let mommy show you how it's done.")

Obnoxious Mom #3 was a little more subdued in her candy grubbing. She just sat in the middle of the street and held her kids' hands up to get some candy.

Sorry Floats/Bands:

Nothing says a parade like the local grocery store. (I was hoping they were throwing out broccoli. Or meat.)

A local garage and their Asian drum circle.

Followed by their flat-bed tow truck with a couple of "repo-hussies" on the back.

Nothing says America like high school girls in long lycra dresses with guns and strange spider webs snaking down the sides of their faces. (They kept dropping the guns and I was afraid they might inadvertently shoot one of the spectators.)

And my all-time favorite float - a garbage truck. They were throwing candy to the crowd from the back. (Really!?)

Super Heroes:

Yes, Super Heros.

Superman was there. He has been spending a lot of time in front of the computer lately so he has gotten a little out of shape. You can't tell from this picture, but he wasn't wearing his super underpants. And from the looks of things he wasn't "super" in all areas.

(Oh, yeah "Super Power!")

Batman and Robin were there, too. Robin was a little less enthusiastic than Batman.

Not-So-Super Girl made an appearance. As did her muffin-top and panty lines.

Wonder Woman brought up the rear. We were all speculating as to whether this get-up was her fantasy or her husband's.

After the parade we spent the day hanging around a friend's pool and eating all-American fare like chips and salsa, potato chips, beer and soda, burgers and chicken. Of course we watched fireworks later - they were pretty good this year.

Hope everyone else had a wonderful July 4th and didn't blow off any body parts with illegal fireworks. (Happy Belated Canada Day to all you Canucks who think of July 4th as the day before July 5th.)