New Training Methods

With only a few days left of vacation I have decided to stop fooling myself and just not run. I will run with my peeps when I get home. I still have about 8 weeks until the Twin Cities Marathon and I am not going to be all fat and out of shape if I don't run until Saturday, right?

I have not sworn off all training however. I have been using some new training methods and some new training partners and they are really working me. 

To keep me focused and minimize distractions they insisted on taking the ferry to Washington Island with only our bikes for transportation on the island. (OK - that was my idea, but they agreed.) When we arrived we got right down to business.

E is a very serious training parter. Notice she is keeping her eyes focused keenly on the prize.

F is a bit friendlier, at least with the camera on him.

F likes to pull the train.

I was having a tough time holding onto E's wheel a lot of the time. Those little legs turn a HUGE gear at a very high cadence.

Time for an open water swim. Our goal - the iron ore ship on the horizon.

First some core work. Take these rocks and throw them as far as you can.

E and F understand that so much of training is mental. We spent some time practicing patience, finding balance and reaching a state of Zen.

E and F also helped me better understand nutrition. On the return trip we refueled with Cokes and raspberry Milano cookies.

Our pit-stop really helped. Coke is an excellent fuel for 7- and 9-year-olds. It's like high-octane race car fuel. The speed of the return trip was so high F was blowing his hair out the top of his helmet.

Finally waiting to board the ferry back to the mainland. A good hard day of training complete.

(A got a day without the kids. Aren't I a nice husband? Actually, she insisted I take the kids and give her some alone time. When I say "insisted" I mean "ordered," but then you already knew that.)

A Theme

Following are a bunch of pictures. They are kind of random, but a theme develops. This will not score me points with potential employers, my wife, my in-laws or law enforcement officials in any number of southern states. I will however score points with my 7-year-old son, maybe my 9-year-old-daughter and 12-year-old boys across the country (and people with the maturity level of said 12-year-olds, myself included.)

Still on vacation - we saw this little critter napping on the wall outside our front door this morning.

Does anyone else find anything funny about my breakfast this morning? (My wife saw this one at the table and we shared a laugh, so you can too. And yes, I ate every bite.)

We went to this petting zoo called "The Farm" today like we do every year. They have sheep.

They have sows and piglets.

They have horses. My timing could not have been worse.

Oh, this picture is much better. This is "Big Duke." Duh!

And an ass.

(If anyone is baffled by the "theme" I will post a slightly more obvious version tomorrow, but come on, it's all pretty obvious, isn't it?)

The Vacation Yawns

I am not a very good vacationer. I hit ten days max and I am crawling out of my skin wanting get back home. I am kind of there right now. I miss Apollo - the dog - who, apparently, has not been playing well with others at the boarding facility. ("He's not 'aggressive,' just a little rough with the other dogs. He has been getting extra 'naps.'" great - my dog has behavior issues and is in time-out ALL THE TIME.)

We did have a pretty fun day with the kids. We went to this place called "Hands On Art Studio." I thought it would be just some glorified paint-your-plate place, but it was so much more. They had mosaics, jewelry making (and not just beading), glass making and metal working. 

F had absolutely no interest until he saw the metal working. Here are pictures of my future welder (and if that happens I will truly be jealous - I really want to learn how to weld.)

"Let's cut some steel!" (He was actually mad at me because I embarrassed him earlier when he walked into the ceramics studio, started touching everything and then knocked five pieces over - no breakage. He said to me as I told him, "Don't touch, AN-Y-THING!" "DAD! It's called 'HANDS ON Art!'")

Working the plasma cutter.

Almost done.

Grinding off the burrs.

A few more sparks.

A few finishing touches.

While F was workin' the steel, E was painting some ceramics. She made a very nice little box. Here is a picture of her with her two little cousins. 

When E saw what F had done, she wanted to come back and work some steel as well. We'll go back, I have some designs of my own to make. 

OH, I saw the hugest cock!

He was just strutting around, crowing.

We also got some wind today that really whipped the lake into some "surf." I almost tried to get out and bodysurf (I have been able to in the past) but A reminded me I had chicken to grill - DE-NIED!

Tomorrow looks like more of the same. I do have a ten mile run scheduled so that will save me somewhat. (I know, I know - I am totally able to suck the joy out of just about any occasion.)

Door County Half Iron Distance Triathlon - Long Report

My goal for this post is to make it as long as possible so it takes you the same amount of time to read it as it took me to finish. (That fulfills D's request - I aim to please.)

Saturday

We got to the house we stay at in Door County, Wisconsin, unloaded all the clothes and junk and then I drove across the peninsula to pick up my race packet and go for a short swim. I decided to use a full wet suit as it was pretty fricking cold last year - water temp was estimated to be about 60 degrees. As I was walking up to get my stuff I caught part of the pre-race presentation. 

Apparently, the sprint (which was held earlier on Saturday) had such horrible swim conditions - heavy chop and cold water - that they shortened it from 1/4 mile to 1/10 mile. They said they would make the determination on whether or not to hold the full swim in the morning, but assured us they would have a swim - even if it was shortened. 

With that in mind I suited up and hit the water. It wasn't too bad until you got past the pier. It was pretty up and down, but nothing I felt I couldn't swim a full race in. Of course that is me and I would probably swim in a septic tank if I had to. This was the FIRST time I had ever swam in this full suit. It fit great, but felt a little "weird" but I was able to stroke cleanly with little effort. I decided I would race in it, but lowered my expectations and chucked my beginning of the season swim goal and decided to just go for the same time as last year. I figured I would be OK.

The rest of the night was just settling into our abode for the next two weeks. Along the way I forgot to eat lunch. I was getting hungry and downed a bunch of grapes and a big glass or OJ. Later, this combo did not agree with me (if you know my past issues you know what I mean.) Needless to say I wasn't real hungry for dinner so I didn't eat much - even though I tried. I had a nice dessert of a couple of Immodiums.

After we got the kids to bed I mixed up all my liquids and packed my bag so I could get going without waking anyone up. 9:30 - in bed.

Sunday

I got up about 4:45 and got moving. I slept well for the night before a race and wasn't feeling any stomach issues. I got packed up and on the road about 5:30. Setting up transition went fine. Got marked and stood around. I really hate that part of the race - I am there alone so I have no one to talk to and no where to go really. Finally I got my wetsuit on to warm up - I had to burn off some nervous energy. 

I was the first in the water. The water was no where nearly as choppy as the day before and the temp was about 65. The full swim would be on. I warmed up and as I was bobbing around out by the first buoy another guy swam up. We chatted about the course a little bit, he was a nice guy. I swam back in, made one last check of my transition to make sure nothing was moved, because there were still a lot of empty slots around me when I left. It looked good so I went back to the start to wait. 

The Swim

I started in the first wave. The "elite" wave. To qualify for that all you had to state was whether you were a strong swimmer. I am, so I did. I was a little nervous about a mass start with a bunch of aggressive guys. Don't get me wrong, I can be as aggressive as the next guy, but I was not sure what to expect. It was a little physical at the beginning, but I got through it to the first turn and then it got easier. I told myself to take it easy and just get through the swim, not to push it too hard. It was really feeling good and easy - much better than the swim the week before at Lifetime. 

After the turn for home it got a little sketchy for me. I started to catch a few people and others started to have problems tracking. I got pinched off by a couple of guys two or three times and had to stop to get away from them. Kind of pissed me off. 

T1

My exit this year was flawless. I hit sand with my hand twice, stood and ran up the ramp. I skipped the strippers again and got to my bike. I checked my watch and it said :31. I struggled to get my wetsuit off and after being head down trying to get the damn thing off my foot I felt a little lightheaded. I finally got the thing off, grabbed my bike stuff and was off. I got on the road and struggled a little to get my shoes on again, but nothing major. I did pull out the short toe strap so I had to fish that in on the fly, but I had so much practice I did it without a problem.

The Bike

I got settled in on the bike and it went way better than last year. Initially, I thought I was going to have problems because my shoulders were so tight and sore when I was in my aero bars that I was thinking I might have ride on the brake hoods. Once I got warmed up it was all good. 

The ride was pretty funny - to me anyway. Riding trough rural Wisconsin you see a lot of crazy shit. I had to dodge a dead porcupine in the middle of the road. I'll tell you what, if someone didn't see that thing and hit it they were in for a world of hurt - those quills looky nasty. I passed a field of cows who looked at me as I went by and mooed. A few miles later I dodged a dead raccoon in the middle of the road - that was just gross with guts and broken teeth and other assorted gore. Still further on I saw two adult wild turkeys with about a dozen chicks crossing the road. When I shifted, the noise startled them and they bolted across the road in a quick hurry.

At about the half-way point there is a small loop that we do. My family was camped at the common corner so they got to see me go by twice. The second time by they were able to count the people ahead of me. I was 19th at this point. I am never 19th!

Now what race in rural Wisconsin would be complete without a near death encounter with a tractor pulling a massive plow?

Just past halfway we start to double-back so we have bike traffic going both ways. I am making a sharp left and there is a tractor pulling a big disc cultivator that takes up the full width of the road. They stop him to let the bikes behind him get around the corner and then one person waves him on while another waves me on. I start to go through the intersection, realize that he isn't stopping and clamp on both brakes. I was able to keep my balance and not have to unclip, but was bugged that I was almost run over by a fricking tractor. 

I have been feeling good the entire ride and have subsequently forgotten that the last quarter of the course is pretty much all uphill, but kind of sneaky uphill. The legs started to feel it, but the last four miles is back the same way we started and the road is smooth and relatively flat so I was feeling pretty fresh. 

Once again, I had to pee for three-quarters of the bike. Every time I saw a clump of trees or a port-a-potty I thought about stopping, but I didn't want to ruin the good time I was having. My final plan was to sacrifice a fast T2 for a potty break. 

T2

Coming into T2 I had my feet out of my shoes early and was able to make the quick dismount and get my bike racked. As I racked my bike I shook another bike loose and it fell over. I toyed briefly with the thought of picking it up, but I was getting into my running stuff and I still needed to pee. Some guy waiting around for his relay partner was nice enough to re-rack the guys bike, because I probably would have left it. (Isn't racking your bike securely part of your responsibility? I know - karma will kick my ass for even thinking that.) Unfortunately, the port-a-potties are in the opposite direction of the run out so I had to back track. I peed and was on my way. My T2 was twice as long as last year and my T2 last week.

The Run

It started out great. I was feeling fresh and light and was running about 7:25 miles, which is pretty good for me. I felt good through the halfway turn and then ran out of gas. Just past the turn is a fairly long steep hill. Last year I trucked right up, this year I walked in the middle. I was able to get going after only a short walk and was doing alright, but knew my run wasn't going to be what I had hoped for. I was hanging in there, until mile 10. This is "The Bluff." 

Again, last year I just gutted it out and ran up the whole thing. This year I walked the majority of it. I just didn't have that extra gear. At the top, I took my time and walked through the water station and then got back to running. I did great until the middle of mile 12 and I just had to walk again. I only gave myself between two telephone poles and then I got moving. I walked through the last water stop. 

From here on to the finish it's downhill with a very steep downhill at the end. I was able to get the wheels turning and had a good strong finish. I was super excited to see my time on the clock as I was coming in.

The Post Mortem

At the beginning of the season I looked back at last year's races and wrote down some goals. Here are the goals for this race:

Last Year:

Swim - 34:10, Bike - 2:51:58, Run - 1:51:32, Final - 5:20:27

This Year's Goals:

Swim - 30:00, Bike - 2:40:00, Run - 1:45:00

How'd I do?

Swim - 30:10, 18th fastest overall, 5th fastest in AG

Bike - 2:38:07, 73rd fastest overall, 12th fastest in AG - Both not bad considering I don't do much bike training compared to swimming and running.

Run - 1:49:47 - 107th overall, 15th in AG - what can I say? (sad trombone)

I am incredibly happy with 5:02:30. Especially with an incredibly long T2 and an average run.

The swim was a nice surprise especially considering it felt so easy and with the log jam at the end. 

My bike blew me away. Way better than expected. 

I am a little disappointed in the run, but when I looked at my splits I was actually running well at the half way point and not so horribly the last couple of miles, but those two hills absolutely killed me. The run felt way worse than last year and it was still faster, if only by a minute - that says something. 

No GI issues. I was gassy and bloaty during the run, but I just chose some lonely times on the road to let that take care of itself (if you know what I mean - toot, toot.) I may have figured out the cause of my GI problems last week. Every liquid, gel and chew I had all day had caffeine in it. I can't drink a cup of coffee before I run or I have the same problem, so I went caffeine free on everything this race and no problems. I also took three Immodiums when I woke up so that probably helped. 

I will not pee on my bike so don't even suggest it. I have a bashful bladder so peeing in the open might be a challenge as well. 

After over two and a half hours in the saddle I am still waiting to get full feeling back in my "man-root." (I should write romance novels, shouldn't I?)

Here is the tape from the results page:

I will post pictures if anyone got any good ones.

Revised 2009 Race Schedule (Rev. #1)

Happy New Year!  2009 has finally arrived and there are revisions to the race schedule I posted months ago.  Changes are in italics.

January 24, 2009 - Securian Winter Carnival Frozen Half Marathon - Goal time: @1:45 - This will be a fun race with not much serious training.  I may be running this alone as training for the rest of the group has not been up to their expectations.

May 2, 2009 - Wells Fargo Lake Minnetonka Half Marathon - Goal time: 1:35 - This is the warm up for The Minneapolis Marathon and would like to be running about ten minutes faster than last year at this point.

May 31, 2009 - Inaugural Minneapolis Marathon - Goal time 3:45 (I will be pacing the ladies to a Boston qualifying time.)  This replaces Grandma's Marathon and will be easier to get to and train for as it is in town.

June 20, 2009 - Lake Minnetonka Triathlon - Goal time 1:00 - 1:05 - We will have to see since this is my first time for this race.

July 11, 2009 - Lifetime Fitness Triathlon - Goal time 2:20:00 - Great news!  I was thinking that this race was on July 19th.  Turns out it is the 11th, the week before Door County.

July 19, 2009 - Door County HIM Triathlon - Goal time: 5:00 - Shooting for a faster swim, much faster bike and another good run.  

July 25, 2009 - Chisago Lakes HIM Triathlon - Goal time: 5:15 - This will be my first time doing this race and my second HIM in a week and three races in a week. A daunting task to be sure, but I am a glutton for punishment. (I did DCT a week after Lifetime in 2008.) Figure I will tack on 15 minutes to account for tiredness from DCT and unfamiliar course.  This one may not happen as I would have to get home from Door County much earlier than usual.

September 6, 2009 - City of Lakes 25K - Goal time: @1:45 - Another warm-up race. This one for TCM.

October 2009 - Twin Cities Marathon - Goal time: 3:25 (maybe 3:20) - This race could also be the Chicago Marathon or even New York (if I am gainfully employed.)

CS and I will be trying to road trip to IM Wisconsin (September 13th) to both see part of the race and register for the race in 2010.  I also have one big "maybe" hanging out there.  With some birthday money I threw my name into the lottery for a slot at the IM World Championships in Kona - October 2009.  Names are announced April 15th, but I am not getting my hopes up.  It is a VERY long shot to get a slot.  If that happens - TCM will be out as Kona is the following weekend.  Right now, I fully expect to be running the Twin Cities Marathon.

(All races and times subject to change based on financial constraints, training, health, etc.)

Preliminary 2009 Race Schedule (Revised)

The Twin Cities Marathon is 10 days away.  I am in the middle of my taper and my mind won't stop running.  Over the past few weeks I have been thinking about all I have done in the past nine months.  I have also been planning what I will shoot for in 2009 after I get back from my "training vacation" about the middle or end of December.  Following is the major race schedule I am considering and some preliminary goals for each race.  Might be some 5k races in there as well.  We will see how this plan fleshes out in the end.

January 24, 2009 - Securian Winter Carnival Frozen Half Marathon - Goal time: @1:45 - This will be a fun race with not much serious training.

May 2, 2009 - Wells Fargo Lake Minnetonka Half Marathon - Goal time: 1:35 - This is the warm up for Grandma's and would like to be running about ten minutes faster than last year at this point.

June 7, 2009 - Buffalo Sprint Triathlon - Goal time: 1:00 - 1:05 - Kick-off for the triathlon season.  I should be able to trim off some pretty significant time with much faster transitions (no socks this time), faster swim (no wet suit?) and way better bike.

June 20, 2009 - Grandma's Marathon - Goal time: 3:30 - This might be ambitious as I will be in the middle of triathlon training and will be pretty torn down, but, for now, I will give it a shot.

July 19, 2009 - Door County HIM Triathlon - Goal time: 5:00 - Shooting for a faster swim, much faster bike and another good run.

July 25, 2009 - Chisago Lakes HIM Triathlon - Goal time: 5:15 - This will be my first time doing this race and my second HIM in a week.  A daunting task to be sure, but I am a glutton for punishment. (I did DCT a week after Lifetime in 2008.)  Figure I will tack on 15 minutes to account for tiredness from DCT and unfamiliar course.

September 6, 2009 - City of Lakes 25K - Goal time: @1:45 - Another warm-up race.  This one for TCM.  

October 2009 - Twin Cities Marathon - Goal time: 3:25 (maybe 3:20) - This race could also be the Chicago Marathon or even New York (if I am gainfully employed.)

(All races and times subject to change based on financial constraints, training, health, etc.)

Where Have I Been? What Have I Been Doing?

It's been about a week and much has happened, nothing of note on the employment front.  That is actually not true.  I am teaching at the U - Introduction to AutoCAD for Interior Designers.  The first day of class was shear brilliance.  I handed out the syllabus and laid down the rules and made the students chuckle a couple of times - 45 minutes, DONE!  Second day of class, not so glorious.  When I turned on my computer and opened the program all the menus, commands, buttons, etc. were gone.  I hate the way the U insists on having the absolutely most up to date versions.  Luckily, I have enough experience to just start right clicking on stuff until some familiar pops up.  Needless to say, I think I actually taught some stuff.  We will see when I go back tonight.

This past weekend I ran the City of Lakes 25K. It is a good tune-up for the Twin Cities Marathon in October.  I wanted to finish it in under 2 hours and have a faster half-marathon than my personal best.  Both goals achieved!  Final time - 1:59:42 (my watch said 1:59:14) and half marathon split 1:42:xx.  I ran to the start at Lake Harriet - two miles from home and then about another mile to the starting line, then of course I had to run back home after the race so I got in a nice long run all told.  The funniest part was running home with my commemorative mug in my hand.  This was the first race since I did the half-ironman in Door County. It amazes me how my body (and brain) didn't think twice about running for two+ hours, it seems like a short race after hammering for over five hours.  This should bode well for the marathon.

Now, I just have to find some full time employment.  Wish me luck!

Poor Choice of Name

Saw this sign in Door County.  Apparently, Bea had a different profession before she started canning and baking.

Door County Half Iron Distance Triathlon - Sunday, July 20th, 2008

I got to the race site very early. I was the first person to set up in transition. I have to say the whole race was well organized. The transition racks were labeled with each person’s number so there was no issue of space and bike placement. I clipped my shoes onto my bike – I had practiced all week getting into them on the fly and had gotten it down. (This after I tried to do the trick where you put your left foot in your shoe, give a couple of pushes with your right leg to get some momentum and then throw your right leg over your seat and fell - HARD. In front of my kids. I scraped up my palm and knee and had two massive bruises on my inner thighs.)  I put some powder in my bike shoes – too much powder, because they flipped over and dumped powder all over anything near them and continued to dump powder every time I bumped them.  It looked like I was smuggling cocaine across the peninsula and hiding my stash in my bike shoes.  I sat around after I set up and people-watched. There was a lot of bike porn rolling around, but you can’t buy speed, right? It was pretty interesting to see some of the real exotics out there. I ate my pre-race Clif bars and drank. Then decided it was time to hit the water.

Swim
The morning was very foggy. They had huge blaze orange buoys which was helpful, but it was still hard to see them from the beach. I got on my wet suit and after I saw at least one person wade out in the water I decided to go as well. I took two steps into the water and really wished I had sleeves - and I was only up to my ankles. The water was COLD! I continued to wade out and then the water hit my zipper. The water was F******G COLD! (Official report - 62 degrees.  Wetsuits required.) It is amazing how quickly you make friends with strangers in freezing cold water as you all exclaim how cold it is. I decided the only way to get over it was to get in and start swimming. Well, I ducked my head and, while it took my breath away for a second, I found I could still move and once I got swimming it wasn’t too bad. I got out and waited around for the start, but then decided I didn’t get too warm so I got back in the water and proceeded to start shivering. I got lined up in wave five. It was still hard to see those buoys – I figured it would be easier when I was out there.

The start was in knee high water so there was no sprint out. I took a wide angle to the first buoy – a sharp right turn – and avoided the melee of the first few hundred meters. I made the turn at the same time as only one other person from my wave. From there the swim went great. I continuously passed swimmers from the earlier waves and was not aware of being passed by anyone from my wave or later waves. The foggy weather and slight chop didn’t affect me and I felt strong and fresh the whole way. In retrospect I could probably have done it faster, but that bike was still looming ahead of me. I ended up 5th in my age group and 36th overall for the swim.

The swim out would prove to be the most exciting part of the race. The swim out was up a boat launch covered with carpet, actually a pretty nice water exit. As a “courtesy” the race had volunteers lined up along the sides of the ramp to help people out of their wet suits. Basically, the drill was to pull your wetsuit to your waist before you get up the ramp and then flop down and a volunteer would pull your wet suit the rest of the way off with your feet in the air. As I am running up the ramp waving volunteers off – I can pull off my own wetsuit, thank you – a participant flops down and a huge guy grabs his wet suit and proceeds to pull with all his weight back into traffic – namely me! He hip checks me and I go down in a full sprawl, rug-burn my elbow and scramble to my feet. Another volunteer apologizes and asks if I want help with my wetsuit – I say no thanks and run on.

Bike
I blaze through my transition, get my wetsuit off quick, helmet and sunglasses on, grab my bike off the rack with shoe powder flying (I am sure it looked like I was literally "smoking" out of the transition area) and run to the bike mount area. All of the practice to get into my shoes --was for shit. I had the worst time getting into those fricking shoes. But I did finally get into them as I was peddling and was off. The bike felt pretty good – I kept reminding myself that I would pass people and people would pass me and that was OK (thank you, Stuart Smalley.)  The course was rolling with a couple of pretty big hills, but I stayed within myself and kept thinking about the run and making sure I had enough left in my legs. Miles 30 to 39 were the longest miles EVER. They felt like they would never end. All the miles up to there seemed to just click right off and the miles after that seemed to pick up speed as well, but those ten miles in the middle seemed to be measured in a different dimens

ion – like the Twilight Zone. The bike-in was great, I got my feet out of my shoes no problem and got my running gear on and was off.

Run
The run felt great from the beginning. I kept very close tabs on my splits and made sure I didn’t go out too fast. I kept drinking and eating regularly and felt strong through out. I ran with an older guy for about half the race. His family kept coming by and they were really funny and he was a nice guy. Just after the halfway turn there was a fairly substantial hill. I geared down and got up it without too much trouble. The course flattened out and I picked up the pace for a few miles, then came “The Bluff”. The tag line for this race is “Can’t bluff the Bluff” 

and “Tough enough to conquer The Bluff” - how tough can it be, right? Well I was about to find out. At about mile nine you make a left turn and the volunteers say the bluff is right around the corner. Well, you run down a road and then make another left and there it is. This hill was steep to drive up, much less run up. To make matters worse, the road curves pretty tightly so you can’t see the end. (These pictures don't do it justice, but it was tough.)  I was determined to run up that fricking hill. So I geared down again and took running baby steps up that whole thing. I pretty much red-lined my heart rate monitor. When I got to the top I got a surprise. That’s right, another hill. It was nothing to write home about, but after the monster I just hoofed it up it was an unwelcome sight. It took me two miles to recover from slogging up that hill. My legs felt OK, but my lungs needed some time catching up. Those two miles made the run feel much longer. Then I was on my way to the finish. The last mile cuts through a golf course. Ah, to be riding in a golf cart and chasing a little white ball – and I hate golf. The finish is down a steep winding road. I tested my quads at the top and after a woman jetted by me I just let it go. I freewheeled down the hill hoping I wouldn’t have to stop fast or trip. At the bottom of the hill you have about 400 yards to the finish so I just went with the momentum. Everyone said I looked fresh and seemed to have a lot left at the finish, but I was pretty much on empty.  The race was over, I felt good - no Bataan Death March feeling like after the marathon - and I had a good showing for my first 70.3 dista

nce.  When I took my shoe off I realized I had slammed the big toe on my right foot so hard into the front of my shoe on the down hill that I damn near broke it - ouchy otter.

That cold water that was so painful five hours and twenty minutes earlier felt so good right after the finish. I hung out in the water up to my waist for about ten minutes with a few other finishers – again, cold water makes fast friends of strangers.

  

A Perfect Storm

Here is the transcript of an email I wrote to myself to keep from going crazy while on vacation:

The "Crazy" arrived today and I am already out of my mind. In the first four hours of "crazy's" arrival she recounted twice how she got beaned with a softball and cut her forehead. She went on to compliment the rather expensive sunglasses she got in Italy for saving her from more damage when in fact they are more than likely the source of the cut and more than likely she would have simply had a bump if she wasn't wearing them. Then she proceeded to warn one daughter about playing with a toy near her eye and the other about possibly splitting open her chin, again. To make matters worse, it is rainy and gross, I just ate a big dinner and I can't go for a run. My father in law is deaf and alternates by giving me updates of the weather or the various channels he has "discovered" on the cable TV. The kids are all playing together nicely - which is a good thing. Ann, "Crazy" and my mother in law are swapping stories of ailments, treatments and beauty procedures gone wrong. Actually, Ann isn't swapping much, but she is encouraging somewhat and listening, bless her heart. So I am hiding and getting anxious and edgy and wish I still drank so I could go for a full on stupor.  

The worst part of it is SHE NEVER SHUTS UP! She talks ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I need the weather to be nice so I can get the hell out of here.

Heaven help me.