Blaaaaaahhhhhh-rrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!

Well, it's that time of year. The time of year when I start to question what the hell I am doing with my life. That, or it's seasonal affective disorder, but I prefer the obsessive navel gazing and questioning the choices in my life because it makes for a better (or sadder or more self-indulgent - definitely self-indulgent) blog post.

Winter seems so ridiculously long at this point. I know! No one is holding a gun to my head keeping me here, but, as I have pointed out before, all my stuff is here and I really hate moving. And when I say "stuff" I am including my wife and kids and dog and my emotional baggage - you know, the "stuff" I have become strangely and strongly attached to.

Come mid-April it will be two years since I was laid off from my full-time job as a commercial interior designer. At this point though, everything gets rounded up, so - it's been two years since I had a job. I have done some other things in the past two years, but seeing as those were short-term and part-time they don't seem to register or count.

A thought just occurred to me - didn't I formulate a plan for the future a number of weeks back? (The same thought probably occurred to you way before it occurred to me and I appreciate you sticking with this post as this is territory we have trampled before.) Yeah, the plan. OK I just need to work the plan. All right - enough of this then.

Injury update

I will have my next PT appt. on Wed. Since my initial appt. I have been doing my exercises and feeling major improvement. I now walk up and down stairs without pain. I rode the trainer for 90 minutes and felt no residual effects later in the day as I had been - my ass still hurts, but that is just my boney butt. I will do a short run this afternoon and see how everything feels after that. This evening I do my exercises again - twice a day, already did them this morning.

This past Saturday I was supposed to run the Frozen Half-marathon (see Steve in a Speedo's report here) but opted to pass so as to not aggravate my injury or my wife or both. It was a very wise decision as the weather was less than ideal - rainy (gross,) cold (miserable) and potentially icy (dangerous - for me anyway.) I am also happy to report that neither my injury nor my wife were aggravated Saturday morning. (My wife may have been aggravated, but no more so than usual. She is married to me after all so a constant level of aggravation is included with this premium package.)

Travel update

This past weekend my lovely wife celebrated her 40th birthday. This weekend we will really celebrate it with a trip to Vegas with two of her college girlfriends, one of their husbands and a 5-month-old baby. I know and love all these people (except the baby - we've never met) so I am looking forward to a good time. I hope to have some pictures and words to prove how much fun we had. And since I am "Sober Cab" nothing is off-limits. Mmwhahahaha.

January - The Perfect Month to F**k Yourself Up

Not in a good way.

I feel like I'm training like total pro (as in a "pro-fessional triathlete" not as in a "pro-stitute") these days. I have a coach, I had a couple of days with multiple workouts, I am constantly hungry and my leg is fucked up. It seems like January is the month when serious athletes and triathletes get hurt. Just to name a few: Chrissie Wellington has a fucked up hand from falling off her bike on a patch of ice, Lauren Groves has lost the use of both arms after doing an endo in Maui, Beth Shutt is laid up, Erin is laid up, Steve in a Speedo - in pain. Frayed Laces - nursing a sore ITB (but she runs ultras so she should get over it.) Kerrie was "hurt" with a hip flexor that wasn't firing, but I call "bullshit" because she ran a sub-3 hour marathon. (Of course now she claims to not be able to walk so good.) Tasha got a new rack, so her situation is a little different, but I like to acknowledge all the walking wounded out there. Meg - gimping. D - just has "issues." I am not sure they are really "injuries" but I like to include all manner of maladies happening in January. (D - I kid. I am just jealous that you only have to worry about one sport.) I am sure I have forgotten many others who are feeling less than 100%, suffice it to say you are forgotten but not forgotten (whatever, you know what I mean.) So, I must be a "serious triathlete" because I, too, am hurt in the month of January.

Today, I bit that bullet that is healthcare and went to see the doc about my bum ITB/knee/hip. I followed the whole "keep going until it affects your stride, stroke, etc." rule of thumb and this morning at masters I just couldn't take it any more. It hurt to kick and push off the wall and swimming for me has NEVER hurt. (My fly was rocking today though.) I have an appointment with a PT on Friday morning. This will certainly be a new experience. Until then I am on easy spinning, easy running and swimming - as long as it doesn't hurt. I was also supposed to run the Frozen Half Marathon on Saturday, but I will be sitting this one out. It was a "fun" race and I don't need to push it. The weather looks to be questionable with rain/freezing rain a 70% possibility. Why would I want to run in that crap anyway? So, thank you ITB, your discomfort has saved me from different discomfort and misery that would be running in freezing rain.

Let's hope that come February everyone is feeling better and not all sitting around talking about their various aches and pains like a bunch of blue-hairs and gummers at a 24 hour bingo tournament. And let's hope my insurance covers this PT, because that would be more painful than anything my ITB could throw at me.

Preservatives

On my Facebook page a week ago or so I posted a picture of this great older guy with an awesome sweatshirt. The picture was terrible, but people liked it. Sitting at the coffee shop just now I see the same guy with the same sweatshirt so I asked him if I could take a picture.



He and his wife were awesome! He's 87 and she's 83. I would have never guessed. And they both had great senses of humor. I hope I am that fun and happy with my wife at that age.

"The Procrastinators"

Here is a picture of our living room taken December 6th.

Pretty.




Here is a picture of our living room taken moments ago.

Pretty sad.


Not much has changed. We have become "The Procrastinators." Since the start of 2010 a whole 14 days ago we haven't done a damn thing that needs to be done. There are five baskets of laundry that we trip over constantly in our bedroom waiting to be folded. And then there are the Christmas decorations.

For someone who talked so much about his dislike for the holidays, I seem to have an incredibly high tolerance for keeping the Christmas decorations around. And it seems like neither A nor I have any urgency to take them all down as A said at dinner, "We should probably take the Christmas tree down one of these days," and I replied, "uh huh," and then we went on to talk about something completely different. So what does this all mean? One of two things - A has adopted a sense of Zen for 2010 or she is medicating - self or prescribed, I am not sure. The only thing I know for sure is that I am down to two pairs of underpants so I better fold that fricking laundry before I completely run out.
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Some completely unrelated items:

The Minnesota Wild beat the Vancouver Canucks 5 -2 last night. Woohoo! Go Wild! (Clever, huh?)

Blog commenter cinthia - please send me an email (go to my profile.) I have a couple of questions for you. Thanks.

I did indeed kill my iPod with my own sweat. How am I so certain? Well, it doesn't work and a little dust of salt crystals puff out around the touch wheel and the edges of the screen when I press on either of them. Today I buy a new iPod and a WATERPROOF case. Damn treadmill running.

New Discoveries

So, we have moved on from the treadmill updates. It has now become a part of my training regimen. I have even added myself to my wife's "health club" membership so I can run whenever I need to. It all still grosses me out and the list of shit I hate about "health clubs" grows or is reinforced every time I go (many times it is reinforced by stuff I do, but that is neither here nor there.) Anyway.

What "new discoveries" do you speak of, you ask? I have discovered that I am trimming down with all this new activity. I am not really "losing weight" - at least not that I can say for certain because I have a tendency to weigh myself when I am totally dehydrated and that is never accurate. "How are you so sure you are 'trimming down?'" you ask. It has nothing to do with how my clothes fit or comments from other people. You know, let me walk you through my discovery.

At night as I am getting ready to go to bed I probably do the same thing most everyone else does - take off my clothes, put on some pajamas of some sort, take a fist full of pills (whatever is lying around or has colors that match my pajamas) and brush my teeth. (I probably pee somewhere in there, too, followed by very thorough hand washing, but you aren't really interested in that.) I typically just wear pajama pants - I got these really kick-ass ones at Costco for like ten bucks, but I digress. So, as I am brushing my teeth I am staring at myself in the mirror and thinking the usual guy thoughts, "Damn, I really should do some 'manscaping,'" "I can't believe how gray my chest hair is getting," "Is one of my nipples higher than the other?" "Why do I even have nipples?" And as I am lost in my thoughts I start the absentminded old-guy scratching and picking. Inevitably this leads to me swirling a finger around inside my belly button. I usually have some lint that has accumulated throughout the day, so it tends to be a productive endeavor. No one wants a dirty belly button.

On many of these occasions I ponder the risk of sticking my finger too far in and poking a hole in my stomach and then wondering if my guts would spew out like a fountain of strawberry jelly or if I would just start to fly around the room backwards like someone letting the air out of a balloon. But recently I realized that my finger was "bottoming out" a lot sooner than it had in the recent past. I wondered, "Is this true? Is my belly button filling with lint that I have been inadvertently packing in there for years? No, it looks clean. Is my belly button trying to escape? No, that is just silly. Does this mean that my belly button is no longer the deep well of oral hygiene distracted fun it once was?" Keep in mind that as I am pondering all these questions I am still brushing my teeth and my finger is still in my belly button (just in case it is trying to escape.)

Then it hit me. My belly button has not changed! The flabdomen material surrounding it has begun to decrease! I have tested this hypothesis over many evenings and I do believe that I am losing some of that frustrating spare tire (now when I say "spare tire" I am referring to more of a spare road bike tire or, probably more accurately, a mountain bike tire rather than a car tire or a truck tire or, heaven forbid, one of those big dumptruck tires.) It looks like all this activity might be paying off. It might mean I need to buy new clothes again. I hope I can find some kick-ass jeans at Costco.

Finnism

F: "Dad, will you help me study the challenge spelling words?"
Me: "Sure. Do you need to study the main spelling words, too?"
F: "No. I'm familiar with those."

(Do seven-year-old, 2nd graders talk like this?)

No More, Please!

Today I hit the treadmill for the second time. Isn't two times in a lifetime more than enough? (And when I say "lifetime" I don't mean "Lifetime" as in "Lifetime Fitness" where I happened to be running on aforementioned treadmill. Although, the less time I can spend at the "health club" known as "Lifetime Fitness" the better.)

Today's run was better. First, I started it at about 11 AM rather than around 5 PM the last time. Second, the club was emptier. Although people still insisted on running right next to me even though there were tons of empty treadmills. Third, and most importantly, the run was shorter. I got new headphones that hook over my ears so they don't fall out, so that helped even more.

As I indicated before, I can't watch TV while I run or while I bike on the trainer. I picked the treadmill that wasn't directly in front of a TV. Here was my view:



I stared at that column for an hour.

At the end of it all I had successfully flung sweat all over the place. Again, why would anyone want to run next to me?





I just left it like that so the next person would know how hard I worked and they would feel inadequate. (No, I didn't. I cleaned up thoroughly.)

Afterward, I was chatting with MS - my fellow IMWI attendee and the person I "used" to get into the "health club." Anywho, she was talking about her coach. He had her do a swim test and lift, which she did while I was running. So, we were talking about what we were each doing and her coach has her quitting drinking, quitting coffee and keeping all sorts of records of her nutrition and all sorts of other "metrics." I told her my coach just gives me killer workouts to do and I do them.

Now we have a "Biggest Loser" type scenario - we are going to see whose coach will punish them the most. (And who is going to see the biggest gains - not in weight, hopefully.) It will be fun to see what happens in the "elimination room."

Going Nowhere

That is how I felt running on a treadmill for the first time since I started running over two years ago. How did I succumb to such a miserable fate? Well, I just could NOT run for 11 miles at endurance pace in single digit temps on the uneven, icy roads and sidewalks. I have either come to my senses or turned into a pussy (you be the judge.)

Since I hate the "health club" I do not have a membership, but my wife and kids do, so I went as a guest of my wife. Actually, I didn't. A and I had devised a plan where she would work out, then, when she was almost done, she would call me and I would leave the kids locked in their rooms and head to the club where she would welcome me as her guest and then leave shortly after to free the kids from their prisons. I walked in, did not see A, so I kept walking. No one stopped me or asked for a membership card. I looked for A and then sat and watched TV until she showed (it was a couple of minutes and I didn't want her to waste time looking for me - aren't I considerate?)

All the treadmills on the main floor were full but A pointed me to the ones upstairs that are reserved for "personal training." They were completely empty so I picked one in the front row at the very end. (Why is any of this important? It's not really except I thought it would keep me from being surrounded by weirdos.)

I brought my iPod loaded with fast pace house music to help pass the time, a bottle to drink and a Roctane because, hey, I am all about overkill. I started my run. All was going fine. Then I started to sweat. Not many of you, dear reader, have seen me in all my workout glory, but I am what is known as "a heavy sweater."

Not this kind of "heavy sweater."


This kind of "heavy sweater."

But without the glowering look, stubby alligator arms, ravishing good looks and movie "career."

The bouncing up and down of my stride combined with my slippery ear sweat kept making my ear buds fall out. After about a half hour of this nonsense I turned off the music and just gave up. Now I was doomed to hear everything that was going on around me. Of course, soon after I was joined to my right by Snorty-Lung-Biscuit-Coughing-Whistling-Whispering-Guy. Dude! I am like 18 inches from you and you are totally grossing me out! (He became #4,209 on the list of things I hate about "health clubs.")

One of the other reasons I hate the treadmill and the "health club" is that I am always afraid that I will end up being Sweaty-Leering-Guy. I can do a pretty good job of focusing on a distant point and not looking around, but people kept walking into my field of vision and although I was looking through them I am sure the guys thought I was staring at their crotches and the women thought I was leering at their butts. So I had to find a neutral place to look. And I can't watch TV while I run. It makes the time go even slower in my mind.

I stared at a sprinkler head in the ceiling for 45 minutes - altering my gaze only to check mileage and time. Running on a treadmill is DUMB!

To add to my anxiety I didn't realize until too late that I was right in front of the only water fountain in the area. So there I am - I have totally sweat through my shirt and shorts and I am flinging sweat all over the machine and people have to walk by me on a regular basis.

I finished my run, changed quick and the froze my ass off walking to the car. I guess it was better than waterboarding myself with a wet face mask around the lakes for about 90 minutes AND freezing my ass off.

At least I am not Smelly-Wheezy-Fat-and-Creepy Guy. (At least I don't think I am.)

Going Solo

My runs with other people have become few and far between. Since starting to run with "the guys" after running for a couple of years with "the ladies" I am now running more by myself. It's not that I have don't like "the guys," it's just that things have changed for my training.

First off the weather has changed - it is fucking cold! (There is no other way to describe it.) And it's dark. So, dark and fucking cold are not working for me this year. I have been doing my runs more in the middle of the day so it's not quite as fucking cold and there is some daylight so I can see where I am running so I don't break my ankle on un-shoveled sidewalks and icy snowbanks.

Secondly, now that I have a coach my runs have become longer and more intense because we are on a plan. So for now I run alone.

It's not all bad. I get to run in daylight. I get to see other lone runners, like the woman I saw on Wednesday with mascara running down her cheeks. What woman puts makeup on to go for a run, especially eye makeup when it's single digit temps and your eyes are bound to water? And she was fairly speedy so it didn't seem like she was a novice runner. There are the over-dressed and under-dressed and then there are the people I can't even see because I have icicles on my hat, eyebrows and eyelashes. (As I write this I realize I really hate this time of year - why do I stay? Because I like to talk about the weather.)

Oh, look. It's time for another run. Now where is that snowmobile suit? It looks so good with running shoes.

Catch up

So, everyone does those end of the year recaps followed by resolutions or goals for the new year. I like to read other people's recaps, but I think mine would just be a bunch of bullshit. Besides (as someone already pointed out) if you read my blog you don't need a recap. And I have kind of listed out my goals already so that would be a bunch of bullshit, too. (In case you didn't realize it, one of my goals is to use as much foul language as possible in every blog post even if it appears that I might have Tourettes when I type, cocksucker bitch whore. Not really, but it sure seems that way.)

I haven't posted much for the last couple of weeks what with my complete and utter dislike of the holidays and with the kids being home from school. Let me catch you up.

We decorated for Christmas and that fucking Empire is everywhere. I am starting to not like those guys.


(F would correct me and point out that that is, in fact, a clone trooper and not actually part of the Empire, yet.)

F had his school Christmas concert. (E's was earlier and I am not sure why we don't have any pictures of her.) Notice his fashionably disheveled look and the way he wears his belt rakishly off to the side. So fashion forward.


Joy of joys! My kids learned to snowboard! Here is E carving on her heel edge (actually she probably fell there, but I like to imagine it as the perfect heel edge turn.)


Here is F also executing a perfect heel edge carve.


My Grommets!


The best part was after their third lesson the three of us went snowboarding together. (I took a refresher lesson and found that I didn't forget much.) I can not remember the last time I had so much fun with my kids. I was so proud of them. We went again the next week and I might lobby for a Colorado vacation next year.

Of course presents were exchanged. Nothing too exciting for the kids or A. (This is my blog so who cares about what they got anyway, right?) I got some cool ones and some strange ones.

Cool Ones


I have to admit this was on my list. I was only half joking when I put it on there, but I was totally excited when I opened it. I haven't put it together yet. I promised the kids they could help. I also need to put all the Christmas decorations away so there will be room on the mantle for it when it's done. (Just kidding, honey!)

(No, I'm not kidding.)


I got this one, too. The funny part about this is that the price sticker already said "Willis Tower." (It was renamed like a month ago.)


I put this one together already. It is prominently displayed on my dresser. (Notice all the people in that post card staring at it in amazement.)

A got me these:

Now the whole family has snowshoes. We are planning to go to my aunt and uncle's cabin sometime this winter so we will have an opportunity to use them.

Strange Ones



WTF!?

I don't think I ever indicated a desire to kill my wife and a "friend" of her's so I am not sure where the idea for these came from. They went back to "fucking Macy's." I hate that place so much I returned them and then was bound and determined (with the kids in tow) to get something else so I wouldn't have to return. I looked for a sweater, a duvet cover, underwear - nothing! Then I decided on this:



Perfect!

There. Now you are all caught up from my last couple of weeks. On to all the new excitement of 2010.

Another Christmas Finnism

Playing "Christmas Carols ABCs." (This is a car game we play where you name something - in this case, Christmas Carols - that start with each letter of the alphabet.)

A: "A"
E: "Angles We Have Heard on High."
A: "B"
Me: "Baby, It's Cold Outside."
A: "C"
F: "Cram It All In There."

Christmas Finnism

"I believe in Santa Clause 100 percent. The reindeer - eh - only about 50 percent."

Now, Back to Our Regular Programming

After taking a detour for a few posts to figure out my life for the next year I am returning to my standard format of discussing things that are really only of interest to me. Somehow I have managed to suck in some of you and you are all kind enough to feign interest and validate my existence.

Before I move completely on from "my life 2010" I ask you to go to the comments section of my previous post and read the anonymous comment "someone" left for me. "Someone" is not very good at hiding their identity and I appreciate that "somebody" took the time and effort to give me a big vote of confidence. "Someone" was under-appreciated in this respect. "Someone else" (me, for the easily confused) is a big dope.

OK - on to the other stuff.

The Holidays Can Suck My Balls




(These balls, not other balls.)

Ugh! I am so over the holidays! They really bring out the absolute worst in people - impatience, ignorance and insensitivity. Today alone I was almost run over twice in two separate parking lots as people raced to get a parking spot. Then, as I was waiting at the grocery store, I overheard a woman, after explaining that she was a ticket agent for Delta Airlines, say, "I know, I have to check in all those stressed out, terrible people." Nice attitude. Maybe if your company wasn't staffed by an inordinately high percentage of insensitive morons and led by a larger group of misfits who, when presented with a problem, can only come up with another fee to charge customers until we will have to pay for every sheet of toilet paper we use, those "terrible people" wouldn't be quite so stressed out. (But I digress.)

Earlier this week as I was again at the grocery store (I spend a lot of time at the grocery store) I see one of the "fabulous" mom's from the kids' school walking across the parking with her groceries being toted behind her by the bag boy (it's a free service to everyone - yes, it's fancy) walk right up to her gigantic EarthFucker 3000 (thanks RR) parked in -- the handicapped spot closest to the entrance. She had no sticker on her license plate and no tag on her mirror and is certainly more than capable of walking the same distance as other "folks." I just hate that.

I have had enough of shopping and I haven't even begun to wrap. Then there are all the people who are going to show up and all the activities we have to do with the kids. I was just settling into a nice routine and now it's all going to be disrupted so I can participate in some over commercialized event that is totally at odds with the true inspiration for "the season."

I just want these next couple of weeks to be over so we can do away with the completely unnecessary stress of shooting for perfection in every way. Doesn't anyone subscribe to my theory of marginal effectiveness? Here's hoping your holidays are marginal.

2010 Is Going To Be "Interesting"

In my experience "interesting" is never a good thing. And so may go 2010, but it's only one year, right?

First off, I need to thank everyone who commented on my last post. Your encouragement, suggestions and feedback was very much appreciated.

I had a great talk with my sister over coffee today. She had some career planning questions for me which, surprisingly, I was apparently very helpful with. I know, right? "Those who can't do, teach." She also helped me clarify my plan for the year. I am going to make an effort to work the plan I outlined below. I have an idea for my first story, I just have to track the guy down, but I should be able to do that in January. So I am thinking that if I can find a unique event or person every couple of months and then write the story and market it, I will be happy with that.

This leaves me a lot of extra time which I will fill either looking for another job or actually working. What will I be doing? Well at this time I am thinking I would like to find a job working at a running store, bike store or someplace like REI. It might be Starbucks for all I know. I just need to get out of my house. Another opportunity might present itself as an architect friend of mine, recently laid off, and I are going to get together after the first of the year and see if we might want to put a little residential practice together. It's an interesting opportunity as we would be able to keep the overhead super low and we collaborate very well together. We'll see.

So maybe you, my 10's of readers (that might be a little presumptuous,) can make some suggestions of races or events that might be interesting/entertaining. I would like to find some in the Minnesota or Chicago area in the first quarter of 2010 as it will be easier to get to these. When the first few stories are successful (think positive, right?) I will then look at other areas of the country. First I need to make it through the holidays. I really find the whole thing rather tedious and stressful. Just a couple more weeks, I think I can make it.

If you could do anything you want and couldn't fail...

what would you do?

What kind of a stupid question is that? I hate that question! I hate it more now, because I am posing it to myself in an effort to get the work life moving again.

Then there is this quote: "There's no scarcity of opportunity to make a living at what you love. There's only a scarcity of resolve to make it happen."

So I have been given this unique opportunity to create what I want to do with my life. Being laid off in a really crappy economy does that for you. 2010 is right around the corner and I would like to have a plan laid out for the year. But I am finding ways to hold myself back. A lot of it has to do with fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of disappointing "people", fear of disappointing myself, fear of failure, fear of succeeding. Some of it has to do with heavily ingrained beliefs of what "work" is. Work is something you do in an office, with a boss and a big salary and benefits. Oh, and work isn't necessarily fun. I need to really make a paradigm shift in my thinking (how was that for my use of corporate jargon?)

I also feel like I need to have all the details figured out before I make that first step. The reality of the situation is that if I have all the details worked out, the fun and most interesting parts go out the window. And what if someone thinks this whole idea is dumb? Truth is that someone out there will always think an idea is dumb, like every other idea out there.

In a nutshell here is my idea. I want to travel to endurance events around the country and write feature articles about the people around them. Some I might participate in, some I might just spectate at, but at each I would embed myself with some group of weirdos (basically I am thinking of you, my faithful and misguided reader) and report on the hijinks that ensue. Or don't. Sometimes when nothing happens that can be entertaining, too. You know, in an uncomfortable kind way.

I am not talking about marathons or triathlons, although I am not completely excluding them either. I am talking about events that you might read about in Obscure Sports Quarterly or you might see on ESPN 8: The Ocho (or late at night on Versus.) Events like Muddy Buddy (there is one in Minneapolis in 2010,) Hood to Coast, Ragnar, HURT 100, 24 hours of whatever - see, the lack of detail is what makes it kind of fun. (Suggestions are welcome.)

My premise is that the most colorful and entertaining kinds of lunatics tend to participate and/or follow these ridiculous events. And who doesn't like reading about lunatics. I know I do.

If nothing else I will get some great blog fodder, meet some fun, funny (potentially disturbed and scary) people. And get out of the house once in awhile for the next year.

Even as I write this I am thinking of all sorts of potential hurdles, potholes, dead ends, arguments against, etc. But here's the thing, it would be better than what I am doing now, right?

The Torment that is My Mind

Yesterday I wrote a post about what I want to do with 2010. After much trepidation I posted it. It was up for maybe a couple of hours and then in a fit of panic I pulled it. I still have it. I just can't figure out what to do with it. It basically outlines what I want to do for fun and profit in 2010. It goes out on a huge limb for me. It's not like I want to suddenly become a doctor or astronaut or a male stripper. I have the necessary skills. It's just out of my ordinary.

Now that I have written and posted this I will be getting encouragement from people, except D who will ridicule me, to post the original, but now everyone's expectations are heightened and that makes me nervous. (See what I mean by the title - my brain is tormenting me.) Or I won't get encouragement from anyone and then what? Or I will get encouragement but you won't really mean it and then what?

Now I just sound like a crazy person. Or more like a crazy person. Or maybe none of this comes as any surprise to anyone - that I am crazy. Enough! In the words of Homer Simpson, "Shut up brain or I'll poke you with a Q-tip."

What to do? What to do?

Return of RMB, Unfortunate or Brilliant Marketing, Necrotized Digit

This morning we woke up to at least 5" of blowing and drifting snow and single digit temps with below zero windchills. Needless to say, I was not running this morning as I had snowblowing and shoveling to do so the wife and kids could get out of the house. I decided to postpone the run until daylight so I could avoid being killed by a snowplow.

I finally got my run in at 3:30. A and I had gotten all the Christmas shopping done in one go and I was "malled" out. I bundled up, talked to the moms at the bus stop and took off before the monsters got off the bus. The snow had stopped, but it was still windy and cold and the blowing snow was stinging my eyes. It was even more chilly when that wind blew across the lake. Over all the run went well. I was dressed right, no cold feet (never really a problem anyway) and no slipping or falling.

When I got home I was feeling pre-tty happy with myself and how I had dressed. No bare skin, no frostbite. Then I got in the shower. Mmmm, it felt good until I turned around and it hit my ass and it was then I realized that RMB had returned. What is RMB you ask? RMB is when my ass gets cold and red and apparently numb. What does RMB stand for you ask? This:


Red Monkey Butt

This is not a new phenomenon for me. I wrote about it last year as well. Strangely, on almost the same date. This must be the time of year when my ass freezes for the first time.

While A and I were shopping at Targét Boutique in St. Louis Park, MN we were walking down an aisle and I saw this poster:



You will notice that the woman has two cups of cocoa/hot chocolate with a ton of marshmallows. I said to A, "Does that look like she might be a plus-size model?" A pointed.



So apparently Target has decided to perpetuate the stereotype of plus-sized people as chronic over-eaters. Nicely done.

Yesterday, A came home from work and I greeted her with my middle finger:



She freaked out. "OH MY GOD! What happened!? Are you OK?" I responded, "I don't know. It started to get cold and then it turned black and now it's starting to smell a little. Wanna smell it?" A says, "It looks necrotic." That's what I was looking for. It looks like my finger's dead.

Now normally I would milk the sympathy and concern for all it's worth (I don't get much sympathy or concern around the house,) but I am not that big of a jerk. (I am a considerably smaller jerk.) The dog got a hold of a fountain pen and proceeded to chew it to bits on his dog bed. When I went to scoop it up there was a puddle of black ink under it and I jammed my finger into it, thus staining it this lovely black color. Now, it just looks like I have a really dirty middle finger. It was fun while it lasted.

Finally, for some reason F decided he needed to shine a little more light on his dinner tonight. I overheard the following conversation between A and F.

A: "What's with the head lamp at the dinner table?"
F: "So I don't miss a crumb."





You will notice the wonderful dinner of scrambled eggs and bacon I have prepared for my family. Hey, I'm a provider.

Does My Wife Know?

My wife and I had my birthday dinner last Saturday night and I explained how I was working with a coach named Amy Kloner so she knew; a) that I was planning ahead and would be able to give her advance notice of long run and/or bike days and b) she would recognize Amy's name on my phone and emails and not ask me, "Who is this 'Amy Kloner' person and why is she calling and emailing you and making you cry!?"

I also explained that she was in Atlanta, GA so she wouldn't have to worry about her showing up on our doorstep unannounced and dragging my wining ass for an 18 mile run.

She was surprisingly accepting of my new relationship. (I did leave out the earlier 'transgression' on Facebook. I didn't want to ruin my birthday dinner being punished again for that one. You know how chicks stick together.)

Questions, questions

So many questions. So who is my coach? Well, that is kind of a funny story. It has an interesting parallel to how I met my wife.

See, I met my wife at the Mall of America - you know, the largest indoor mall in the US. It was summer and school was out. I had been out of college and was returning from being a ski bum in Vail, Colorado for a season. We met when we were working at Eddie Bauer. This was before the mall opened. I had worked at an Eddie Bauer previously and was part of the management team that was opening this new flagship store. (That all sounds real important with high amounts of responsibility, but it really just meant that I got to carry some keys and count the money at the end of the night.) I really liked Eddie Bauer back then. They carried all sorts of gadgets and Swiss Army knives and stuff. Anyway, we had to fold tons of clothes and anyone who has worked at a major retail store like the Gap or Limited or Eddie Bauer knows there is a very specific way to fold each type of clothing. My future wife was busy folding - or more accurately refolding - a table of polos because someone else did a really shitty job. I went over to see how she was doing, you know, on a personal level, not really checking her work. We had the following conversation:

Me: "Hi, how're you doing?"
FW (Future wife): "Fine."
Me: "So, where do you go to school?"
FW: "I've graduated."
Me: "Oh, so where are you going to college?"
FW: "I graduated from college."
Me: "Oh, I see. Well, I better go see how they are doing on the jean wall."

Yes, it was that horribly awkward. And yes, I was/am that big of a dork. She thought I was that big of a dork. Months later we ended up grabbing something to eat after work because we had a store meeting and didn't have time to run back to our respective homes. We talked and started to like each other and now we are married with two kids, a dog and no exit strategy.

So what does this have to do with my new coach? Well, a few weeks ago I friended "a gal" who I recognized and had many common friends and had funny comments on people's posts. After she accepted my invite I caught the following post from her:

"felt like the treadmill was shaking this morning. The girl next to me confirmed that hers was just fine. So it's all in my head (literally!). Mission aborted!"

In my infinite quest to be witty, I posted a comment saying something to the effect:

"could it be that you have gained a couple of pounds?"

I almost started a Facebook Incident. I immediately got a response from this "gal" indicating that my comment was exactly the reason that she is leery of accepting friend requests from people she doesn't know. In my infinite quest to be liked by all I proceeded to apologize, grovel, apologize more, delete my offending comment and generally reassess the decisions I had made in my life and how I had gotten to this point and would I make it another day on Facebook.

After enough groveling and I think perhaps some intervention by other FB friends on my behalf vouching for my horrible upbringing and my struggle with being a complete moron, we came to a friendly understanding - I wouldn't do that again.

Then this "mysterious gal you are all dying to know the identity of and probably already know by now and if you are D have gotten bored and moved on" mentioned she was leading a spinning class and I said she should webcast it and she laughed - ha, ha - then she mentioned about a week later she was leading another spin class and I said again she should webcast it so I could do it at home and then she asked if I had any restraining orders (I get that a lot - no she didn't ask that and I don't get that a lot and I don't have any.) No, she asked if was looking for a coach - it was kind of like when I met my wife and we went to get something to eat (see how I tied this all together like a Gordian Knot) - and we started talking and - FUCK IT! I am boring MYSELF now.

My coach is Amy Kloner! Now, get off my back!

Decisions and Goals

Now that I am 41 I have decided to make some decisions. That totally makes it sound like up to this point in my life I haven't made any decisions. While it may seem to many like that is true - I have realized I have no idea where I am going with this whole train of thought. So anyway. Decisions made, right.

I have decided to buy a big boy tri bike. Next year I will be riding a Cannondale Slice - I found a deal on a special build of their top end hi-mod carbon frame with some not quite as high end components. I opted for the kick ass frame with components I can upgrade as I need or want to. Payment is made, we are locked in.

I have also found a new coach. I had a different "coach" for a short while, but the program was kind of cookie cutter and I was having a difficult time staying motivated and staying with it. This new coach is totally going to kick my ass - at my request. Especially on the bike. We are getting started right away. I am running a 5K tomorrow so we can assess my fitness and get my heart rates dialed in and everything. Again, payment made, locked in.

Now, 2010 is going to be a huge year. It will culminate with IronMan Wisconsin (IronMoo or IMoo) in September, but between now and then I have a lot of work and some races to do. Without getting into specific races, as that schedule will require more thought, here are my initial goals. I will revise these periodically throughout the year as "things change" but, this is what I think right now.

• Half-marathon - sub 1:30 - there should be a few opportunities to make a run at this. I ran a 1:33 in spring 2009 without training specifically for that kind of speed, so I am pretty sure I can do this.
  
• Marathon - 3:20 or faster - this may not be on the schedule this year. With only a spring marathon and possibly no desire to train that hard at that time, we may just let this one go until 2011. (Or I could just run a 3:20 or faster in the Ironman marathon, use it as a two-fer. I am SO kidding about that - I just want to finish with clean shorts.)
  
• Sprint Tri - the definition and distance varies too much for a goal. This will probably depend on the actual race.
• Olympic Distance Tri - sub 2:15 - this is based on 2009's Lifetime Fitness Tri at which I took the world's longest pee break. Followed after the finish by the worst GI issues I have had to date. I think this goal is probably a little light and with a good nutrition plan should be able to smoke it.
  
• HIM Distance Tri - 4:45 - 5:00 - This goal also might be a little light as I bonked on the run and still came in at 5:02, but with better training and nutrition I should be able to smoke it.

All these goals depend on level of fitness and where I am in my training schedule. I will probably be doing some races that I have never done before, because of timing, cost and location so that might affect results. As you can probably tell, I am already excited to get moving. Patience, self. Patience.